Wonderful books by Father Kinsella:
The Wife Desired
The Man For Her

"Nobody will play with me" is a sad complaint made to mother by 
most every child. The grief of rejection by her playmates is 
announced with tears and sobs. The child makes no effort to hide 
the hurt. Dissimulation comes with age. We never get used to 
rejection. Only we learn to conceal our pain and to live with it.

If an adult smiles at these tears of childhood rejection, it is 
because he knows that the tears will dry as quickly as they flowed. 
Tomorrow is another day. As likely as not, the child spurned by his 
playmates today will be the happy center of attraction tomorrow.

It is another story when the young woman ready for marriage is 
continually avoided or when the wife is rejected by her husband. 
There are few sorrows in life equal to the misery of a wife no 
longer wanted by her husband.

It is so natural for a wife to be anxious to be accepted, to be sought 
after, to be desired and pursued by her husband. She was made 
that way. None of us have any choice about wanting to be happy. 
And happiness can come to a wife only through the love of her 
husband. Love does not go with rejection.Picture1

Several successful wives have jokingly said to me that they were 
more interested in being desired by their husbands than in being 
ideal wives. Yet, these wives were successful not because they 
were simply women, but because they were interesting women. 
They had appealing personalities. Unless they had striven for the 
ideal and in great part had reached the goal, they would not have 
been so lighthearted in their remarks.

The ideal wife will be a desired and happy wife, if she merits the 
attention which she rightly craves from her husband.

It has been said that women are all sugar and spice. Then 
personality is the spice which makes the sugar desirable. After the 
first infatuation of marriage has vanished, too many men have 
awakened to the realization that they drew a blank in respect to 
personality. The wise woman assures herself of success and 
happiness in marriage by making the most of her spice. It is 
through the use of her spice that she keeps her husband interested 
in the sugar.

The desired wife has developed her personality before marriage 
and continues that development during marriage. By personality 
here I mean beauty of soul and all those qualities and 
accomplishments which go to make a person interesting and 
sought after. Personality will carry a girl a great deal further in life 
than physical beauty. In fact, without personality beauty often 
tires one in married life. Some girls are born with physical beauty. 
None are born with personality. They must develop and cultivate it 
all the days of their lives.

A girl can develop personality chiefly by learning to do things. No 
matter how beautiful she is, the girl who does nothing but sit on a 
sofa and vegetate is not going to be a bargain for any husband. 
After the first flush of infatuation wears off, she will be very 
fortunate if she does not bore him stiff.

On the other hand, the girl who learns to swim, to play tennis, to 
sing, to play the piano, to dance, to sew, to cook, and to read good 
literature, is going to become an interesting person. Her company 
will be sought after and enjoyed. Out of the long hours of practice 
at the piano or with the voice, for example, there evolves a 
stronger character. Patience, persistence, a realization of what it is 
to fail, to exult in momentary success, to suffer and, therefore, to 
be able to feel for others--all this and more will come to her 
because of her hours of work at the piano. So, when she is called 
upon by her friends to play for them, she is happy to be able to 
entertain them. The thought that she brings music into their lives 
and thus adds to their happiness brings her a quiet confidence 
enhancing her luster.

To take another example, suppose that she learns to play tennis. 
She is awkward and slow on her feet. 29-16There is the temptation to 
quit after the first ridiculous effort, to preserve her dignity, and to 
draw back within herself and thus avoid the embarrassment of 
ridicule from bystanders and the teasing of her friends. But she 
resists the temptation to remain a wall flower. She swallows her 
pride and through the little humiliations of clumsy failures grows 
in humility.

She already is reaping her reward for effort. Because she has 
begun to grow in the virtue of humility, there open up before her 
all the various paths of virtue heretofore closed or even unknown 
to her. For instance, upon the foundations of humility now 
established in her life, she has to take but one easy step to a sense 
of humor. She is now able to laugh at herself as well as at others.

Perhaps some may think that I am exaggerating to say that the 
great virtue of humility, an entree to all the virtues, and even a 
sense of humor can be developed, by attempting to learn the game 
of tennis. Not in the least. How did the saints or anyone ever 
develop the virtue of humility? By sitting at home twiddling their 
thumbs? By withdrawing into their shells, so that no one could 
laugh at their shortcomings and mistakes? No. They dared to fail, 
and in their mixture of failures and successes they drew a clearer 
picture of their real worth. They became humble and, therefore, 
very lovable in the eyes of God and man.

More will be said later about this incipient sense of humor 
accidentally, it may appear, found on the tennis court. It is so 
important a facet of personality, as a radiant jewel in the crown of 
the ideal wife, that a full chapter will be devoted to its 

A last word about humility. If a sense of humor is a shining jewel 
in the crown of the ideal wife, then humility is the golden base of 
the crown and the support of all else it may contain. Many have 
the false idea that they are being humble by staying in the 
background and attempting nothing. The brash, bold and 
conceited girls are the ones out in the limelight doing things. More 
often than not it is just the opposite. The girl who dares to do 
things, especially in competition, is the humble girl. She may fall 
flat on her face. So what? She is not concerned with herself, not 
worried about what others may think. Because she is humble, she 
is not aware that anyone is thinking of her anyway. The girl who 
fears to venture is the conceited girl. She is afraid to provide 
laughter at her own expense. She flatters herself that everybody is 
watching her. Hardly anybody knows that she is alive.

By learning to do things the girl is developing unconsciously, as 
likely as not, her personality and thus is equipping herself to be 
able to contribute to the enjoyment of others, her future husband, 
for instance. She is able to hold down her end of the social teeter.

A certain girl learned to play bridge. She never entered any bridge 
tournaments, but she could hold her own with the better players. 
Most of her bridge was played at college. She hardly played at all 
for a few years. In fact, she could not remember playing once since 
she was married three months ago.

Her husband invited his boss and wife over for dinner. He 
apprehensively told her that they were eager bridge fans. She was 
amused at her husband's concern for what he thought would not 
take place after the coffee was served.

The husband's apprehension turned to bewilderment as his wife 
got out the cards and table. indexWhat could have turned out to be a 
rather futile evening amounted to almost a personal triumph as 
she engineered a little slam. She derived the most satisfaction 
from the quiet pleasure manifested in her husband over a newly 
discovered accomplishment of his wife. Three people enjoyed 
themselves of an evening simply because she knew how to play a 
card game. She was able to promote the pleasure of others. When a 
wife is able to do that, more satisfaction eventually comes to her.
Just the other evening a young wife came up to me as the study 
group was leaving. She had a big problem. We met on Monday and 
Wednesday evenings. She had a chance to join a swimming class 
sponsored by the company for which she worked. The group was 
to meet on Wednesday evenings for six weeks. She very much 
wanted to learn to swim for her husband's sake. He liked to swim. 
She was deathly afraid of water and could not swim.

Last summer during and after their honeymoon she felt very 
stupid. She was able only to sit on the beach while her husband 
went into the water with the others. When he comes home from the 
Army next summer, she wants to surprise him with her ability to 
swim. However, the study club came first. She wanted more than 
anything else to finish the course. I encouraged her to take the 
opportunity to learn to swim. We could make up what she missed 
on the Wednesday evenings.

Several weeks later the young wife told me, with evident pleasure 
dancing in her eyes, how she was learning to swim. This girl is 
awake. Instead of sitting home just waiting for her husband to 
come home to her from the Army, she is developing her abilities 
and thus improving her personality. Imagine the fun they are 
going to have together at the beach next summer. How proud her 
husband is going to be of her and how he will love her for her new 
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