So far this chapter has concerned itself with erroneous ideas which
can badly dispose a young wife for success in marriage. Some of
these false ideas are simple misconceptions, which once
recognized as such by the wife, cease to exist and cause trouble.
Now consideration must be given to something more serious. It is
the phobia or fear of conception and having children.
A phobia is a much more dangerous obstacle to good and proper
living than a simple misconception. It is built up over the years
and may spring from several sources. It is much more than just a
matter of ignorance or misinformation. The will is involved as well
as the intellect. So often the victim of a phobia supinely watches it
grow and does not really desire to be rid of the mental disease.
A young husband comes to my mind who had a fear of darkness.
He could not sleep without the light on. He was wholly a mama's
little boy, brought up carefully by his possessive mother to be
ever in need of her. As a child she was his comfort in the dark.
When she left him alone in his room at night, she left a light to
reassure him. Should he wake up at night without the light on, he
would scream and bring mama running to his side.
You can imagine the run for her money which he gave his wife on
this score. Why did he not snap out of it and act his age? I do not
know. There were possibly a number of reasons. I suspect one
reason was that he could punish his wife by retaining his phobia.
At long last he felt that he was living with one over whom he could
assert himself. She would have to adapt herself to him and his
phobia. The little mama's boy was trying hard at playing the strong
man.
No young wife will be cured of her phobia of child bearing just by
reading the following pages. Perhaps some might prevent the
psychosis from getting a hold on their lives by recognizing how it
can jeopardize the happiness of their marriage. The victims of the
phobia will be healed only by the effort of their own wills. They
must want to get over their mental sickness. They must be willing
to sacrifice the small comforts and imagined security of living
within the confines of their phobia. They must learn by mental
hygiene to concentrate upon the real joys of married life, joys
which lie beyond the prison walls of their fear.
Some young ladies enter marriage with a fear of childbirth. Death
from childbirth has become so rare that it merits no concern. The
rare and abnormal cases are dwelt on. The average and normal
births are ignored as of little news and gossip value. Whatever be
the devious ways these girls build up the fear, they have a full-
blown phobia of childbirth by the time they are physically and
emotionally ready for marriage. They have about as much chance
of happiness in marriage as a glassful of cement has of holding
any water. They are not disposed for marriage. Their poor
husbands are in for a rough ride.
Life is beset with uncertainties and dangers. Even breathing is
dangerous. If you do it enough, long enough, it will kill you.
Nothing is certain except death, and we know not how or when it
will come. If these girls wish to nurse a phobia of death, let them
concern themselves with the tens of thousands killed yearly in
automobiles. Other thousands drown or are struck with lightning.
If a person concentrates on all the possible ways she might be
killed accidentally, she might easily end up cowering in the corner
of her bedroom afraid to move.
Think of all the fun she would miss hiding from life. It would be
her dismal lot never to see from an airplane the wild, blue yonder
or the jeweled cities by night: never to experience the exhilaration
of the open road: never to feel the salt spray in her face as the sail
stiffens to the wind: never to know the joy of its inception and the
mystery of its growth within her and the victory of motherhood as
she cuddles the new little life to her breast. What does she know of
life? Actually she is hardly alive. All that remains are the
obsequies and the floral wreaths of disappointed friends.
Conception, childbirth, and young motherhood and all that goes
with these experiences are the full life for a young woman. For
these God has well prepared her by nature. It is as normal for her
to have children as it is to breathe, and, from general observation,
as healthful physically, psychologically, and spiritually. For this
reason the young mother becomes more beautiful as she has
children. Contrariwise, the light seems to fade out of her face as
she prolongs the frustration of marriage without the normal
consequence of children. I am so sure that this observation is
founded on fact and is not wishful thinking, because in my youth,
I confess, I expected the opposite; I was genuinely surprised to
observe the real facts. Nature does not look upon pregnancy as a
disease. The idea of pregnancy as a disease is the result of
gyrations of a mind warped by the mental sickness of a phobia of
childbirth.
In order to live well and enjoy life we must be casual about
keeping it. The mountain climber who went about his activities
biting his finger nails in fear would not be a very happy mountain
climber. In fact he would not be a live mountain climber at all very
long. The mountain climber knows that there is an element of risk
in his life. Any woman knows that there is an element of risk in her
life. She accepts the obvious and then goes about her business of
accepting life, not denying it.
Few wives will admit that they have a phobia against childbirth.
Instinctively they seem to realize that they would be comparable
to a doctor or a nurse, who was nauseated by the sight of blood, to
an electrician afraid of electricity. Thus most of these misfits in
married life hide behind various smoke screens. Poor health is a
common one. Various mysterious aches and pains are advanced as
an excuse for not playing the role of the normal wife. Husbands
are kept at a distance or are degraded into sinful birth controllers.
As a matter of fact, of course, many of these women are the
healthiest characters in their neighborhood. Admittedly, some of
these wives will develop some neurosis or other as the penalty for
outraging nature and its normal demands on married people. But
these conditions are the after affect of the phobia and not an
excuse for it.
Few of us go through life without aches and pains, some of which
may even be of a partially disabling nature. These nuisances are
taken in stride by people of character. Indeed, frequently marriage
and child bearing bring to a young woman a glow of health which
she has never experienced previously.
Another attitude toward life which poorly disposes a young woman
for happiness in marriage and for being an ideal wife is the selfish
and worldly concern not to become too tied down by her family.
She will measure out just so much of herself and no more. So after
one or two children her husband notices a decided change. The old
spontaneity of affection is gone. In its place there is a calculated
aloofness, which has nothing of the saving qualities of
coquettishness. She does not want any more children.
With eyes tilted toward heaven she gives out frequent evidence of
being a modern day pelican. She is careful to make her husband
realize what a slave she is. She has no time now at all to receive
from or to give him any affection. Little Buster gets all the
attention now. If Buster's father becomes, as well he might, a little
apprehensive about this excessive care for his solitary offspring,
and feels that she is developing a sissy and mama's boy, he is told
that he is unreasonably jealous. He should be happy and grateful
that she is such a wonderful mother. But the blackguard is not.
He is quite confused by all this, but at times he has a suspicion
that she does not become the all-American mother simply because
she has ceased to be his wife. These little ladies fool nobody, even
though half their waking hours are an effort to do so. They are
pitiful failures as wives.
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