I especially like what Laura Doyle says in this excerpt, “Harmony and closeness are much greater gifts than having a house the neighbors admire for its fresh paint“.
There are few things that should mean more to us than harmony with our husbands. It is the basis of a happy wife, a happy mother, and a happy home life. When that harmony is broken, something is amiss and we need to make it a priority to get the harmony back.
So….we need to really think first, before we speak, about those annoying things that bother us about our husbands. These things pass and if we can bite our tongue, we will appreciate the harmony more than the satisfaction of bringing up something that is not worth the fight.
From Laura Doyle The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man
The scariest part about surrendering to your husband is that it may seem like you’re never going to get your way, but just the opposite is true.
When you give up unnecessary control of things your husband does— how he drives, what he wears, what he does at work, how he loads the dishwasher— you actually gain power in the relationship and in your life.
Doing all the work is not what makes you powerful— it’s what makes you exhausted…..
PRESURRENDERING NEGOTIATIONS
“The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.” —MARGO KAUFMAN
Put yourself in the room with the following conversations John and I had before I surrendered. Most of them took place in our living room at times when we could have been relaxing together, reading the paper or playing. Instead, this is how our discussions went:
EXAMPLE 1: GIFT FOR A FRIEND
HIM: I gotta get a present for Steve for Christmas.
ME: Do you have to? He didn’t get you a present last year!
HIM: Well, I want to.
ME: We don’t have much cash right now, so don’t spend more than $ 20. Do you have to get him something?
HIM: Well … maybe something little.
ME: I know, what if I bake cookies and we give him some in a tin?
HIM: Yeah, okay.
ME: Let’s do that.
EXAMPLE 2: PAINTING THE HOUSE
ME: We’ve got to get the house painted. I think we should get started on it today.
HIM: I don’t think so. I hadn’t really thought about it and I was going to do some other things today. Maybe we could do it next weekend.
ME: It’s supposed to start raining next week. You never want to paint the house! What do you think the neighbors think of this place? It looks awful out there.
HIM: We’ll wait until after next week then, but this really isn’t a good time.
ME: Why not?
HIM: Because we have other things to do today.
ME: I’ll paint it by myself then. I’ll just do it myself.
HIM: Why can’t you just wait?
ME: Because you never want to do it!
HIM: ArrrggghhhhHH!
EXAMPLE 3: CAR MAINTENANCE
HIM: The brakes are starting to go on the car, so I’m gonna take it in next week.
ME: Next week ? Brakes are pretty serious, John. Don’t you think you should take it in right away? You can’t drive without brakes.
HIM: I don’t have time right away. The brakes are good enough to last another week.
ME: Hmm. I think you should take it in right away . Why wait until next week?
HIM: I’m not going to have time right now.
ME: You need to make time for things like that.
HIM: There’s just too much going on and it has to be next week.
ME: So are you going to take it in?
HIM: Next week!
ME: Maybe I can take it in for you.
HIM: Why don’t you just put my head under the wheel and drive over it?
I had veto power over everything, but that also meant that now everything was under my jurisdiction.
The responsibility that accompanied the control had me stressed out and utterly exhausted.
For protection, my husband placed himself before the television.
POST-SURRENDERING CONVERSATIONS
Today, if I were to have those same conversations with my husband, they’d go something like this:
EXAMPLE 1: GIFT FOR A FRIEND
HIM: I gotta get a present for Steve for Christmas.
ME: Okay.
John is in charge of the household finances, so I don’t need to worry about what we can afford.
I have my money, so this purchase will not affect me. Instead of discounting John’s friends as I would have before, I honor them because I recognize that they offer him things that I can’t, just as there are things I share only with my girlfriends.
John enjoys giving gifts to me, and it also gives him pleasure to show his affection and appreciation to his friends. Finally, how ridiculous is it for me to pick a present for his friend? Don’t answer that!
EXAMPLE 2: PAINTING THE HOUSE
ME: I wish the outside of our house looked better. I want new paint. What do you think?
HIM: I think we should go to the paint store, buy some paint, and start painting.
This is a real-life example!
Notice that I just said what I wanted, not how it should happen.
He could also have said, “Let’s hire somebody to do it.” Of course, he could have also said, “I think we should wait until spring and then paint it.”
I would have gone along with either scenario because I’d rather not spend my energy trying to get John to do something he doesn’t want to do.
If we had painted the house when John didn’t want to, I would have gotten my way , but it would have irritated John. Harmony and closeness are much greater gifts than having a house the neighbors admire for its fresh paint.
EXAMPLE 3: CAR MAINTENANCE
HIM: The brakes are starting to go on the car, so I’m going to take it in next week.
ME: Thank you for taking care of that.
Once again, I don’t need to worry about what he’s doing because I trust my husband to maintain the car without any input from me. After all, he was doing it long before he met me, and his method worked. Maybe he didn’t do it the way I thought he should, but that didn’t mean he was being irresponsible.
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This is wonderful!!! I just reposted on facebook. I now live like this too. And it is just as amazing as you described 🙂 Way to go!