The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace
Remember What Made You Fall in Love
Sometimes the things that we’re most attracted to at first become the things we find most irritating later on. Maybe you think he’s irresponsible now, but at first you enjoyed his great sense of fun.
Perhaps you were impressed with his success in business and now you wonder why you married a workaholic.
Nothing’s changed about your husband but your perspective.
Examine your complaints to see if you can re-frame them as qualities that you delight in. You’ll soon remember what made you fall in love with your husband.
The Law of Nature Works in Your Favor
In marriage, as in nature, water seeks it’s own level. Chances are your union doesn’t defy the laws of nature. That means your husband matches you perfectly. His strengths are the perfect counter for your weaknesses, and vice versa.
Are you dismissing the talents he brings to the relationship because you don’t see them as valuable? If that’s the case, then you’re missing out on one of the biggest gifts of marriage — having reinforcements in the areas where you’re weak, and the benefit of two perspectives.
If you still think your husband is not as smart or capable as you, ask yourself why you married him. Answering that question will remind you that those traits are right before your very eyes, and that they’re there for your benefit.
Intimacy is Knowing You Can’t Anticipate the Outcome
Whenever you anticipate what your husband is going to say or how he’s going to act, you’re not in relationship with him — you are outside of it.
I used to miss a lot of my marriage treading around its edges. I would be afraid he would be angry about something I did and anticipate what I would have to say to defend myself long before I knew if he would really be angry or not.
Now I try to remind myself that I have no idea what my husband will do or say before he does it.
Sure, you may feel safer if you could anticipate everything, but you can’t. Pretending that you can just creates NET (needless emotional turmoil) that stands between you and the intimacy you crave.
Once you stop anticipating, you may be surprised at how different your husband’s words and actions are from what you expected. That element of the unexpected is part of what makes intimacy so scary and exciting.
For A Close Connection, Curb Your Urge to Communicate
You may have heard, just as I did, that the key to a good marriage is to communicate. I figured that if some communication was good, more was better.
I was dead wrong.
Even though I have a degree in communications, trying for years to “communicate” with my husband never got me the connection I craved. Instead, I found that my propensity to talk things out actually worked against me because so much of the time I wanted to talk about what he was doing wrong, or wasn’t doing at all.
Of course John and I still talk a lot — about serious and silly things. But now that I practice surrendering principles, we rarely have to “communicate.”
The result? Our emotional connection is better than ever.
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Very true about remembering why you love him. Goes back to attitude, once again! 😀
As far as the communication thing… I once read a story about Saint Gianna Beretta Molla and I was struck at how they handled their marriage. Basically, they treated each other with utmost respect and love and yes, they did not communicate negatively about a lot of stuff and just let it slide in love. I remember thinking after I read it that she was SO much more mature than I was! LOL Somehow this links back to basic manners, even in marriage we can be more mannerly.
But as usual, the flip side is that there has to be communication on those things that the woman really has an issue with and cannot let go (but SO much we SHOULD let go!) We should be able to go back and forth and discuss things and come to an understanding and agreement. So I think the article makes a good point, but we should also make sure that we do have that communication line open to us or we can feel helpless when we have a serious need. So the trick is not opening your mouth just because it pops in your head (a great skill) and yet also addressing things that have to be addressed and being able to in a safe environment. I do have that, although I wish my hubby and I weren’t such dorks that we could actually do it mannerly instead of: bringing up a point, arguing, things escalating, people walking away or crying and then finally working it out with a spirit of cooperation because we want to be right with each other. LOL!!!!
I agree Natalie. There has to be communication but oftentimes I think we tend to communicate our feelings, even though they are negative, on a lot of little things. I like this quote from http://finerfem.wordpress.com/2014/05/30/gems-on-loving-our-gents/
Let the little things go.
Don’t hang on to small annoyances . So many marriages have slowly deteriorated over the smallest, silliest things. He doesn’t take out the trash? He snores at night? He’s terrible about leaving the laundry on the floor? It’s not all that big of a deal. Just put it behind you and get on with loving him instead.
Work through the big things.
Take the time to talk those through. Yes, it might mean some hard work and long hours, but it will be worth it. Don’t let the things that really matter go. It’s worth the effort to address it and deal with it. Otherwise, you’re left with a shallow and/ or a hurting relationship. No way. Go deep.
Perfectly put, Leane!