The One Thing You Can Improve
There’s nothing you can do about your husband’s bad habits, but there is one part of the world that you can be certain of improving — you.
Oddly enough, whenever I focus my energy completely on improving myself, my husband seems to raise his standards too.
For instance, if I refuse to engage in an argument by letting little things slide, he’s quick to apologize for making a sarcastic comment.
By contrast, if I jump into a fight with him, we’re both at our worst. When I’m willing to listen to what he thinks, he’s more likely to listen to what I want.
If I remember to express my gratitude for him, he seems to put more effort into pleasing me.
I know I can’t control or improve my husband, but he certainly seems to respond well when I behave maturely. That means the burden’s on me to improve the one thing I know I can: myself.
Giving Up NET (Needless Emotional Turmoil)
Needless Emotional Turmoil (NET for short) is what you feel when you try to control things that are not in your control.
Imagine you wear a backpack every day, and inside it are all of your concerns, fears and instructions for your husband.
The first day you decide not to wear the backpack, you’re going to feel light and free, but also strange. You might miss the familiarity of having that backpack on.
You may feel jolts of anxiety throughout the day as you realize you’re not wearing it.
Remind yourself that you don’t really need that backpack, or want anything that’s in it.
Eventually, you will come to love how easily you move without it.
All of this will come from making a decision to give up NET.
It is very seldom any man is willing to believe his wife has a valid point. 99.9% of the time they are determined to be right no matter what. I have learned that if there are difficulties, the best thing to do is keep them to myself. Before, when I would bring them up, it netted very little other than a horrendous argument and it was most unpleasant. I only give information if asked, and the only information I impart is “fine, everything is fine, how was your day?” If I respond to his question with an account of the day, I receive a lecture and “fix-it” tips, which are not what I need. I need understanding. Getting that from him is not going to happen.
The best thing to do is always be pleasant, just say everything is fine, find a girlfriend if you need someone to talk to and are ready to sell all the kids after a day of homeschooling, and make sure your husband is happy and you don’t ruffle any feathers ever. Men are problem solvers. They want quick solutions and then they are done with that item. They aren’t women, never will be, and it not possible to maintain a friendly relationship with them on any but their terms. Keep low, lay low, remember he is only interested in results, and be content. Life is what you make it.
My traditional Catholic husband is too busy making a living, doing spiritual reading, and reading the various publications on the current crisis in the Church. He is also too busy spending time with his children. He has no time for going to counseling, reading a book about marriage or remembering that he married a woman. It is what it is. Let him live in his world, and you live in yours. Keep the communication superficial and don’t start a conversation — just answer his questions and answer them minimally. Life will be a lot better, even if it is lonely. That’s just the way it is.
Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is. I think perhaps we think more alike than may seem otherwise; we both know our marriages are what we make them.
@ Anon
I will resist the urge to quote Shakespeare and instead remind you that you shouldn’t be focusing on the mote in your husband’s eye while ignoring the beam in your own. Your comment, which is a rant full of bitterness, reveals a heart with plenty of darkness inside it. You need to pray and self-reflect and then you should see your confessor.
I am sorry for my previous comment Leane. Being rushed for time, I said both too little, and too much. Feel free to delete it and this comment.
Donalgraeme,
I understand that what you said was meant kindly and I take no offense. It is easy for all of us to respond in a hasty manner; in fact, when I wrote my comment, I was still fresh from another very difficult experience. Therefore, my words as I read them now do give the indication of a sharp and bitter edge.
One of the great gifts we can give to one another as Traditional Catholics is the gift of forbearance in remembrance of the sufferings of Our Lord and I wish you all of His choicest blessings.
How sad that you live in such a world, Anonymous. If it is true that our marriages are what we make them, then I choose to make mine a joyful expression of love. I will open the conversation with my husband, who is my one and only, my helper, my joy, my friend, my comfort, my companion, and the one I turn to in trouble. I pray that you can find joy and not only superficial conversation with your spouse, and that you both love each other enough to want what is best for the other – nothing less than heaven!
Paula, that is beautiful. Thank you!
Hello Anonymous, I think you have some valid points….for instance, I think we DO need to remember that our husband is not our girlfriend and so he may find it difficult if we go to him with all of our emotional needs.
I DO think we need to make a constant effort to be pleasant. And yes, men ARE problem solvers and that can be frustrating. That’s all part of a woman living with a man.
But this should not be a negative thing.
I have found through the years, that the more I learn these things, and apply them, just like this little excerpt says, the more my husband listens, softens and pays attention. It is a beautiful thing….but there is much sacrifice involved.
I have also learned through the years that we must not build walls. We must remain vulnerable….even if it means getting hurt. The walls are the dangerous things. I have seen many marriages where those impenetrable walls are built and nothing will pass through them. These women are DONE emotionally. I realize this is a reaction, but it is not a good one. We have to pray those walls away.
Also…don’t always avoid the flare-ups. If it is important, we need to dig deep and realize what we have to say IS valid. Flare-ups aren’t always bad…
I will pray for you.
I have been told that what anonymous says is true of ‘many’ ‘traditional’ marriages.It is a very sad thing.Our Lord said that we must love one another as He loves us and I would think that in marriage that would apply more so than anywhere else.Love is sacrifice and too many ‘traditional’ men seem to think it is simply control.You suffer greatly.I pray that God gives you grace to endure and Light to see how to embrace His\his love.
Fr Angelo
I am sorry that donalgraeme believes me to be so full of darkness. Actually, that is what I am frequently accused of when I have gone to seek help in the situation I happen to be in. I have frequently prayed and sought my confessor’s advice. Only a few years ago I was, actually, quite bitter. I have recently finally found peace, by acknowledging what can and cannot be changed. The only person I can change is myself.
I have accepted that my husband has certain qualities that make him a stellar individual. He is exemplary in many, many aspects of his life and is an exemplary Catholic. He is a studious, far-sighted provider. In many aspects, he is also an exemplary father (not all — this is being honest, not bitter. We do no favors to anyone if we are not honest.)
You must learn that God is the one on your side, not necessarily your husband. You have an obligation to love your husband, which means to wish him the best and seek to help him save his soul. This does not mean you will always like him. Recall that Our Lord instructed us to love our enemies (not implying that husband is an enemy, just using an example as to what love really is.) Rarely do you “like” your enemy, which suggests that the two are quite different.
People will not change unless they decide to do so, which is exactly what Leanne said. You can only change yourself. Sometimes this means something different, though. As also she indicates in her disclaimer, there are times when being sweet, being submissive, waiting on him are detrimental rather than helpful. There are those who are as stones for the time being, and their hearts are not softened by anything, and meanwhile the person doing the changing discovers that their changes or attempts to be loving wives get used against them. Unfortunately, these situations can end up dangerous, and I have learned that sometimes the exemplary face they show to the church family and to the rest of the people can often mean you are really and truly alone.
Donalgraeme, I am once again very sorry you feel this way, but please be aware that there are many abusive situations in Traditional Catholic circles. I wish I did not have to say this, but it is, as one politician once said in reference to a completely different topic, “an inconvenient truth”. However, even within a situation such as this, there is much joy and much to be grateful for, as in the children, and the many riches of life which are there for all who are able to find it.
Deo Gratias!
Dear Anonymous,
I can feel your complete frustration and I am sorry for that.
Keep in mind that my disclaimer says that the attitudes discussed in these articles may not be what you need IF your husband has an abuse problem.
In your posts, I don’t see where your husband has a problem like that. In fact, he sounds like quite a guy. I’m not downplaying your loneliness and I’m not saying he’s not a jerk about some things, and that is hard…. in fact, I can relate to some of those feelings you describe.
But I think we all suffer from “jerky-ness” and each of us has to figure out how to live in our relationships despite the imperfections of one another.
And I don’t believe that Our Lord is wanting in grace and help when we put our best foot forward, in spite of our failures, disappointments, feelings of loneliness, and utter lack of understanding from our spouse.
In the end, the virtues triumph. And God will give us a more loving relationship with our husband….if we are open to that. I truly believe it.
Wow!. This will not attract women to the Church. It will only scare them away.
Doesn’t reflect good on the Catholic Faith at all. Some of this stuff I read are surely alarming.
Dear Anonymous,
I read your post and was truly saddened by the account of your experience. You have clearly tried very hard to find happiness with your husband. However, what would be even more tragic is if you – as my reading of your post seems to suggest – were to abandon all hope that your marriage can be better, happier, more fulfilling.
Marriage can be difficult at the best of times. Let’s not kid ourselves. Our Blessed Lord would not have raised it to the level of a Sacrament if we didn’t need all the graces we can get! And what Fr Angelo says is so true. Love is sacrificial. Marriage is sacrificial. It is perhaps more necessary for us, as wives and mothers, to keep this thought at the forefront of our minds. Having said that though, I do not think it an unreasonable expectation to be loved, respected and cherished by one’s husband. After all, there are 3 ends to marriage.
Though I can truthfully state my marriage, Deo Gratias, is a strong and happy one, it has not been without its share of trials and tribulations. There was a period where my husband and I seemed incapable of communicating with one another. This created a great tension within our marriage and family. I was very unhappy. What brought us through was prayer and the implementation of the practical wisdom contained in a book entitled Fascinating Womanhood. It is a book written by a woman for women. The beauty of this book is in its approach. It does not focus on what you can do to change your spouse, but rather how to change yourself, the way you relate to your spouse; and in so doing, awakening within him a desire for deeper love and intimacy with you. I found this book immensely helpful and thoroughly recommend it to you. God Bless you. You are in my prayers.
Ladies,
There is a wonderful class available from Cynthia Berenger, a Catholic widow who supports her family through online Fascinating Womanhood classes. I hope to beg Leanne’s pardon in promoting it — I know her reasonably well. This is a link to information about her classes:
http://www.lifeasafascinatingwoman.blogspot.com/2014/11/update-regarding-my-fascinating.html
Thanks for the link, Elizabeth. 🙂 I have taken the Fascinating Womanhood class more than once.