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The following excerpts discuss that coveted “C” word – Communication.
Keep the Lines of Communication Open – Good Wife’s Guide, Darlene Schacht
A lot of women will say that their husbands don’t talk enough, but yet he was plenty talkative while they were dating. What gives?
A nagging wife will often use methods of shame, blame, criticism and guilt to get her way, and as a result men build walls of protection around them.
We don’t mean to do it, but when feelings get hurt or when we feel neglected we tend to act out.
Unfortunately nagging can become a habit for some. After a while, the methods of communication that once worked stop working, and the couple is left void.
If you want your husband to trust you with his heart as he once did, it’s important to practice self-control, hold your tongue, and replace criticism with kindness. Listen when he talks and make an effort to show him respect.
Cools His Feelings – Fascinating Womanhood, Helen Andelin
Any attempt to change your husband can dampen his feelings for you. Even only an implication that he doesn’t measure up to your standards can cool his attitude.
Your open suggestion that he needs to improve can lead to his rejection of you. This can be the beginning of a break in communication which can last for hours or even days.
He may avoid the situation by spending a great amount of time away from home with his friends, or in other interests or pursuits. Not only can love be cooled, in some cases it can be destroyed.
When a wife doesn’t give her husband the freedom to be himself, when she constantly pushes and nettles him to change, it can cause the destruction of a happy marriage.
Communication, The Key To Intimacy? – Surrendered Wife, Laura Doyle
Forget the notion that “more communication” is the key to an intimate marriage. Some things that are perfectly reasonable to discuss with women are not so comfortable for men.
Talking about feelings is not a popular pastime in the male culture, so to be polite, don’t ask about them, but continue to share yours.
Generally, men talk far less each day than women, so don’t expect your husband to want to talk as much as you.
The truth is, the less you communicate your complaints, negative thoughts, and criticisms to your husband, the better your intimacy will be, and the stronger your marriage.
Withholding information from your husband may feel dishonest, but it’s really being mature and polite. Men have a culture all their own and being a diplomat in it will improve domestic relations dramatically.
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Let us desire to let the love of Our Lord have its way in us this Christmas; to forget ourselves and to make happiness for others; to do something to make the world brighter and sweeter, and a better place to live in….
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You are Invited……If you are in the area, come on by!
So often I find that conversations regarding traditional marriage focus on the importance of wives being subject to their husbands as the Church is subject to Christ, which is true, but a truly Catholic marriage does not exist without the rest: Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the Church, and delivered Himself up for it.
Reading this post, I was reminded of the excellent book “Plain Talks on Marriage” by Rev. Fulgence Meyer, O.F.M. (Imprimatur 1927):
“Finally some married men…fail miserably as husbands…because of a temperamental coldness and indifference, by reason of which they are self-centered and self-satisfied; they show no sympathy for, or interest in, the wife’s conditions, occupations, needs and desires; they either do not reflect that she is of a different sex, and may be of a different temperament than they, or they do not care if she is or not…They want to be left alone, and they despise anything smacking of emotionalism or sentimentality in their married life…Their conduct is the very antithesis of the injunction of St. Paul [Eph. 5:28, 29]…”
More from the book: “The love of Christ for HIs Church was and is imperturbably constant and lasting…In like manner a good Catholic man loves his wife not only in the first period of marriage when she is young, beautiful…and generally charming…but he will love her as much or even more as years wear on, and when she begins to discover the weaknesses of her sex and the foibles of her character, which he perhaps never suspected, and by the extent of which he is considerably surprised and, in a way, disappointed. Yet this disappointment in no way affects or decreases his love for her: on the contrary, if anything, her very faults and shortcomings bring out his love in its best, most unselfish and heroic manifestations.”
I apologize for the long comment, and also if I have misunderstood your post. God bless you.
Hello. Those are beautiful quotes from a great book that I also have and use on the site here!
It might be helpful to read my disclaimer….
“I started this blog so that I could put out to you things that have helped me along the way. I do not necessarily agree with everything in every article that is written but if I post them I feel there are enough valuable points that bear listening to.
I think it is important to clarify that if you have a husband who has an abuse problem (alcohol, gambling, pornography, drugs or physical abuse) then these principles do not necessarily apply and may even cause some harm. So you need to decide, or get a good holy priest to help you decide, whether you need professional help.
BUT…if you are married to a regular wonderful man who is part virtue, part fault….be they annoying, in-your-face type faults, then the principles laid out in these articles can apply to you.
I also realize that it is not all the wife’s job to “fix” things. But when it comes right down to it, we can only change ourselves.
That is what this website focuses on….changing ourselves. And God will bless our efforts.”
Duties apply to both husband and wife. But if the husband doesn’t do what he is supposed to, it does not give license to the wife to not do what she knows she is to do. As Christians, we do not determine our behavior by what another does or does not do.
I did the things which were written in the post for a number of years. I married a deeply spiritual, very Catholic man who selflessly, devotedly cared for his terminally ill mother until the day she passed from this life. We were engaged for a long time and got the chance (I thought) to know one another well. Having seen nagging wives, I determined never to do that. I became an expert at keeping my mouth shut.
Fifteen years and six children later, in the midst of homeschooling all six and the oldest going into high school, I can tell you that doing that — destroyed my marriage. I know that was not an expected outcome, and you are not expecting me to write such. But it has. There is a wall between us so thick that it will take a virtual miracle to bring it down. I kept following advice similar to this for years, being admonished that if I put hard work into my marriage, there would be results. The results came. What I did succeed in doing was enable him to keep right on living as he wished. And it has not been good for our marriage.
It was not until I finally broke away from this destructive behavior and started going to Codependents Anonymous (where I was fortunate enough to find a good sponsor who was also a traditional Catholic) that I was able to detach appropriately. It took years, but it can be done. Many times advice such as this can be very destructive to those of us in impossible situations, so it’s best to remember the audience for which they are written — don’t blame the messenger. There are times when you are going to still want that which you cannot have, but I believe that’s normal — you need to find friends who are in similar situations so you can get through the day-to-day things.
The important things are still there — he has a good relationship with each of the children. This has been demonstrated to me in many ways, and I am content with that. They do not see warmth, love or affection between their parents, but that is not the end of the world, and when one seeks warmth, love and affection, it is always a good reminder that Christ is always present in the Eucharist and this is not news to him — He knew this would happen from the beginning of time, and the graces are there is you only take advantage of them.
We are not divorced, and we never will divorce; we are all together and it is good. It’s important to note that infidelity comes in many forms, and it’s not always in the form of actual breaking of the marriage vows — things, even good spiritual things such as spiritual reading and practices can wedge themselves between you. As women, I know we are admonished a lot to not let our spiritual life or anything come between us and our husbands; unfortunately, I seriously doubt the men are given the same messages.
One blog that has helped me a great deal is this one, particularly this post:
https://blessednotbrokenblog.wordpress.com/2016/05/09/chastity-after-divorce/
It is absolutely critical, if you are in a situation that is like going through the motions to make it each day after you’ve been “put out to pasture” (in more ways than one), to keep your eyes focused on the end game. Your end game is to get to Heaven — no more and no less. That’s it. Frequent reception of the Sacraments is an absolute necessity of life. Don’t let anything or anybody stand in the way of frequent Confession and Communion. I’m so blessed to be within fifteen minutes’ drive at the most to four places where there is regular Confession several times a week. I know God in His Mercy ordained it so that I would be in this situation, because He knew in His Eternal Mind exactly what my circumstances would be and that I would need access to the Sacraments almost constantly in order to persevere. It amazes me every day the providence of God.
So, A Mom, please know that you are not alone. I understand completely. It’s just the way it is sometimes…..unfortunately, there are more of us than are commonly realized, because in traditionalist situations it’s been my experience that we are usually encouraged to keep quiet and learn to absorb the situations. It doesn’t get talked about. I have two other friends in similar positions, although not quite the same as mine.
As Leane said, read the disclaimer and remember that some of this will not apply to people like us. We take what we can use and leave the rest. I highly recommend Codependents Anonymous; it’s free and it helped me immensely.
I want to note that I am not divorced, and nobody has ever, or will ever, make a move in that direction. That I know. But I am in a position of essentially being the hired housekeeper / private tutor working for a mercurial employer, who frequently lives under the possibility of being fired.
Thank you….these quotes are all excellent. This website is primarily for girls and women, although there are a few men that read it too. 😉 If there is a similar site for men, that would be awesome to know and pass on. There is a lot for wives to learn, there is a lot for husbands to learn, there is a lot for each individual person to learn to save their own soul.
Every person needs a spiritual life, spiritual readings, and if that is lacking it seems, all other virtues begin to disintegrate. This is true of many wives and many husbands and young people in general.
Thank you for the spiritual readings, Leanne!