Recently I posted a wonderful list by Father Daniel A. Lord on the qualities to look for in choosing a wife.
I am following up with this list that is not as extensive as Fr. Lord’s but very good for a woman to ponder as she keeps her eyes open for a good husband….and a man to think about to see if he needs to make some changes in his life.
From Father Lovasik:
The following questions will not only help you to fit yourself for leading a worthy and holy married life, but also enable you to choose a partner in marriage intelligently.
I. Friendship
1.Is your friendship morally beneficial? Are you morally better or worse for having been with him, and what can you expect in the future? Would marriage with him help you to observe God’s commandments and practice your religious duties faithfully?
2.Imagine a crisis in your life (poverty, sickness) that might demand a high quality of virtue to remain faithful to God. Would he be a help to the practice of such virtue?
3.Does he drink too much? Gamble?
4.Does he want to indulge in petting, passionate kissing, even at the expense of chastity?
5.Does he control his temper? Has he a sense of humor? Can he keep a secret?
6.Does he practice his religion?
7.What are his views on divorce, on having children, on Catholic education, on frequenting the sacraments?
8.Can you actually point out any definite virtuous qualities, or are they put on for your benefit now?
II.Agreement
1.Is there at least a reasonable degree of similarity between you in regard to the recreations you like?
2.Could you both enjoy staying at home in the evening, especially when children come?
3.Are there any habits now that not only get on your nerves but which you find extraordinarily difficult to overlook?
4.Do you both fit into about the same kind of social life?
5.Does he get along with your family and you with his?
6.Have you both sufficient health for marriage?
7.What are his habits of life: cleanliness, orderliness, good manners, good grammar?
8. Are you able to harmonize judgments on things that pertain to family life: food, kind of house, furnishings, etc.?
9. Have you the same religion and the same standards concerning its practice?
10. Have you the same attitude towards children and their education?
11. Do you feel at ease together, regardless of what you talk about? If you do not meet for some time, are you able to take up where you left off, with something of the naturalness of a family reunion, or do you have to try to work up an acquaintance all over again?
12. Has he a nagging or reforming disposition?
13. Do you see his failing, and are you willing to tolerate them? Does he admit them and is he willing to get over them?
14. With children in mind, would you say that this person would be just the right other parent for them?
III. Self – Sacrifice
1. Is your prospective companion thoughtful of others and has he the power of self-discipline?
2. In his home does he show thoughtfulness of parents and brothers and sisters, and do you get the impression that this is his regular attitude?
3. What little kindnesses, not only to you but to others, have you noticed in him?
4. When he is wrong, does he admit it and try to make up for it?
5. Does he easily and graciously pass over others’ mistakes?
6. Does he look for sympathy too much?
7. Can he give sympathy willingly, or does someone else’s trouble always bring out a greater trouble of his?
8. Does he show that he knows his temper, and that jealousy and other unpleasant traits ought to be controlled?
From Holy Matrimony: Choosing a Partner:
Signs of emotional immaturity:
1. Gloominess over little failures.
2. Pessimism over slight difficulties.
3. Complete panic when frightened or in an emergency.
4. Throwing or breaking things when angry or crossed.
5. Tears when thwarted, disappointed or upset.
6. Selfishness, aggressiveness, rebelliousness, stubbornness.
7. Needless and prolonged worry over trifles.
8. Morbid fears, strong hates, and unreasonable prejudices.
from Father Kelly:
“Is it a husband you want: How does he like children? Does he like to work? Can he hold a job? Has he a sense of responsibility? Is he “grown up,” or does he have to be pampered? Too jealous? A braggart? An alibi-artist? Is he courteous?”
“At his home (each should know the other’s family) does he show thoughtfulness of parents and brothers and sisters and do you get the general impression that this is the regular thing?
What little kindnesses, not only to you but to others, have you noticed in him? When he is wrong does he admit it, and try to make up for it? Does he easily and graciously pass over others’ mistakes? Does he look for sympathy too much?
Can he give sympathy willingly, or does someone else’s trouble always bring out a greater trouble of his? Is he emotionally grown up; at least does he show that he knows his temper and jealousy and such things ought to be controlled?”
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Check out my Spring Maglet (magazine/booklet) at Meadows of Grace. Tidbits about Lent, Easter and just bunches of inspiration and encouragement!
You can get all three volumes of the Maglets here:
The books are really good, many good reminders!
These are all excellent. If the hostess permits, let me make a few suggested additions.
I would add to this: Does he have an addictive personality? Does he seem to get addicted to things?
From my experience, and I believe there are studies which back this up, people who are apt to get addicted to one thing are also apt to get addicted to something else. Perhaps it is alcohol. Or gambling. At least at first. But then it can progress to something else, such as drugs. There are other addictions to watch out for- television, sports, video games, pornography, etc. Some are minor problems, and some extremely serious. But all are linked to an addictive personality. Watch out for that.
I would add: Does he practice his faith only at Church? Or only on Sundays? Is his faith a living thing that he practices every day? All day?
Our faith is something we are supposed to live always. Our children will learn far more from how we live our faith than whatever words we manage to teach them, much less drill into their head.
I would also add this: What kind of tongue does he have? Does he curse frequently? Infrequently? Not at all?
Remember that your children will pick up on the speech patterns of their parents. If either parent uses profanity, the children will as well. Also, keep in mind that profanity is sometimes called the language of the idiot.
Is he kind in his speech to others? How does he talk to women especially? How does he talk to his mother, or older female relatives? What about his sister(s)? Nieces?
How he talks to the other women in his life will be a significant indicator of how he will talk with/to you in marriage. Also, watch how his father talks to and treats women. He will pick up most of his habits from his father, and that can be a good indicator of how he will act in marriage.
Adding yet further, how does he treat those who are his superiors? What about his inferiors?
I could go on, but this is a good starting contribution, at least.
Thank you for your input, Donal! 😊