Expecting??……Again!!!???

Nada Leona Sheppard says:

“Such consolations will await you and you will look with pity at those who have the typical 2 kids through their own choice. They had no idea how to raise the kids and so they grow old and lonely as their kids quickly move on. Eventually, these parents are put in a home because they are a burden….shudder.”

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I can’t tell you how much this statement hurt me and I know it has hurt others who have read this article, although I see no other comments regarding that in your comment section. Sometimes that “choice” you speak of isn’t so easily made. It’s not always made so that there can be more lavish vacations, or bigger homes, or so that both parents can continue to work in the public sector. Sometimes that “choice” you speak of is because it is what is best for that family, and not just financially.

Sometimes it means not having more children because the burden of carrying those children is too hard on the mother’s body. Sometimes that means that she is taken away from her children for months at a time because she is so sick she cannot eat, drink, or even roll over in bed without getting sick. Sometimes it means her body becomes permanently sickened and has conditions that cannot be hoped away, and that take time away from the children she loves and treasures and wishes she could be there for. Sometimes, her doctors warn, those conditions take her to Heaven, and leave those children behind.

Sometimes that means that the father of those children cannot be home as much as he would like because now that there are so many mouths to feed, he must work so much and so long that they forget who he is, and look back on memories of him with sadness, for in their hearts, his hard work has become, “He was a workaholic father, distant and cold, and was never there for me.” Sometimes his work causes him such bodily injury that he cannot work any longer, or cannot hold and protect those children. Sometimes it means he cannot be there for them the way his heart yearns to be.

Sometimes that means that children are not able to be cared for or celebrated in the way they were meant to, because one or more of them have special needs that keep mothers in the hospital with them for days or weeks at a time, and thus taking that mother away from the other children, who so desperately need her. Sometimes that means missed birthdays, milestones, sporting events and opportunities to celebrate in those children.

And to say that they “don’t know how to raise those children” is just plain heartless. Do parents with only one or two children not know how to raise children simply because they don’t have the years of experience of multiples? What a cruel thing to say. Perhaps those naive first time mothers don’t always know what to do when their babies are crying at 3 in the morning or when their teenagers are struggling with emotions they have never experienced before, but that doesn’t mean that they are ignorant and know nothing. Remember, all parents were first time parents at one time, and all continue to be first time parents as their children grow older throughout their lives. A mother of multiples might know what to do with their following children as they hit the same road bumps over and over again, but when her 27 year old comes to her with a completely new burden she’s never experienced before, she’s that first time mom all over again. Because it’s a constant learning experience, and one that none of us know “everything” about, no matter how many diapers we’ve changed or fevers we’ve soothed. If you have the wisdom to share with another through experience and knowledge, the better thing to do is to support and encourage other mothers who are experiencing it for the first time, rather than look down on them because they’ve only had the experience once or twice.

Please consider your wording in the future. That “choice” you comment on so flippantly isn’t always made because the child is going to be a nuisance or a parent is lazy and selfish. That “choice” can be, and often is, made for the benefit of the family because another child, while loved and treasured, may not be given all they might need. There are women who struggle and stress each month, terrified of seeing that little plus sign again because they know that it isn’t the right time. NFP to prevent pregnancy is hard and stressful, and those families who choose to submit to Church teaching and not go the root of sterilization should be applauded and praised for being responsible and holy, not be put down for their “choices”. Having more children is a wonderful blessing if God has given you the resources to do it. But when He has given you other struggles and burdens, or when those resources just aren’t available, that does not take away the goodness and holiness of those smaller families who are doing their best to raise good, loving and happy families with what they have.

This is not meant to be a criticism on larger families either — many of us with fewer children would gladly open our arms to more if we were capable of doing so. But it is simply a reminder of what it’s like on the other side — having more children does not make you better or more righteous than those of us who have few. Recall that there are more than one way to be “open to life” — one can adopt, foster, sponsor and raise other children they didn’t give birth to. It would do well for mothers of many to remember this when they look snidely at those with only one or two little heads at the pews at Mass on Sunday.