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Mary Reed Newland gives us her take on what is definitely a controversial subject in this day and age….
Norman Rockwell – “Child Psychology or Spanking?”
from Mary Reed Newland, How to Raise Good Catholic Children
Resort to spanking only when necessary
In these days of debating over whether to spank or not to spank, it’s an intrepid soul who comes right out and says, “Spank.” That’s me.
I’ve heard all the arguments pro and con, and I still believe there are some misdemeanors that are never so well disposed of as with a good spank.
No doubt the term corporal punishment was invented by people who disapprove of it, for it sounds worse than it usually is. It sounds like beating, which is far different from spanking, and it bullies people into thinking they ought not “believe in it” even when they do.
The most violent opposition I’ve ever encountered on the score of spanking has come from people who eventually admit that they have no children.
I suppose there are some parents who have never spanked, but I’ve met but one — and what her child needed most of all was a good spanking. A child in a temper tantrum will find that his pointless fury is shattered by a spank when nothing else will touch it, and a good cry about the spanking will gradually relax him, and his anger will drain off.
Spanking is dangerous when your own temper is so out of control that you don’t trust yourself, and in that case, I personally have to resort to the “sit on a chair” technique and go off to the other end of the house to groan and pray.
We have found that spankings are more quickly forgotten than any other kind of punishment. They suffice at the moment (assuming they’re administered with some control) as a punishment for the crime of the moment, and a child forgets them.
A child who does something he knows is extremely naughty, after having been taught, warned, and reasoned with, actually expects to be punished for it, or his parents lose stature in his eyes.
It isn’t uncommon to discover that the insecurity of children whose parents’ indifference was their only reaction to their bad behavior lies in their desire to have some limits set beyond which they’re not permitted to go.
Continued coolness between me and a punished child has come more often after some calculated deprivation than after a spanking which, once over, is over.
If we try hard not to spank unless it is really due, and never to spank in public (or chastise in any way, if possible, because humiliation leaves more scars on children than anything else), almost every time, when the tears are dry and the sting gone from the blushing bottom, they’ll come and put their arms around you and say, “I’m sorry.”
Then it’s easy to have a cozy chat and explain that mothers and fathers really don’t like to spank, and only have to when boys insist on being naughty even though they know enough not to.
Maybe it doesn’t prove anything, but I know I was spanked in my childhood, yet I can’t remember a single instance of it.
I can remember other punishments, being sent to my room, not being allowed to go with the others, being kept in the yard, but never one spanking comes back to haunt me.
There will be lives only if there are mothers, mothers who respond to their essential and divine vocation. “Give me, O my God, the grace through respect for You and for Your work, always to have a devotion to and a respect for life.. Grant me also the grace to be in Your Hands a not too unworthy instrument of Your creative power. Let me be ‘up-to-date’ whenever it is a question of enrolling a new name in the Book of Life.” – Christ in the Home, Fr. Raoul Plus, S.J., 1950’s
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A very good and short explanation thank you .. And the first picture is perfect! 🙂
Unfortunately, I remember just about every spanking I received. For my part, it drove a wedge between me and my parents and between me and my older siblings (who also had the disciplining of me; I was the youngest). After fruitlessly trying to come to terms with all of it, and feeling very humiliated, I chose to distance myself from them. It was for the best.
I have cautiously reestablished a connection for the sake of my children. The anger regarding the unjust spankings is still very sharp, though, and I’m very careful about keeping my boundaries and insisting they be respected.
Spanking is so controversial, and I think that it depends on what a person means when they use the word “spank.” I think my own experience could have been similar (there is no way to know) to Anonymous’s experience: that the spankings were frequently unjust and administered out of anger rather than out of concern for curbing bad behavior. I’ve come to believe it’s not the place of an older sibling to spank (it happened in my family too), even if that sibling is 18+ years older than the youngest child. The parent is the authority figure, the sibling is an equal.
In terms of what I think a spank SHOULD be: I think it ought to be similar to what a mother cat administers to her kittens. If a kitten is getting carried away with its wrestling the mama cat reaches out her paw and gives the kitten a little swat that is hard enough to grab the kitten’s attention but not hard enough to truly hurt the kitten. Because no child is exactly the same, I can’t give an exact age range for spanking, but probably from 18 or 24 mos. up to 5 or 6 years (but definitely not past 7!). It’s an irrational way of reaching the primitive part of a child’s brain during those irrational years. That’s my opinion anyway, and I’m sure there are other legitimate takes on the use of a thoughtful spank.
Spanking is easy. That is the only up side. There is always a better (but often more difficult) alternative. Consider what you are teaching children about conflict resolution when you spank them.
Just for the record, in response to the OP, I have four children.