Marriage is difficult. The daily irritations that rub, like sandpaper, can cause wounds that make it hard to love and respect the one whom you are called to do just that…..love and respect.
Oh sure, we’ve picked up the books. We’ve made a few changes here and there. Things seemed to get better, then something hits the fan, and we are right back where we started. Round and round it goes. We’re tired of it! We want to just throw up our hands and say, “I give up! I am going to just shut down, live my life and he can live his!”
This is a temptation. Do you remember what St. Paul says? “I have run the race, I have fought the good fight.” I don’t think he meant to say “I have fought the good fight until I just couldn’t take it anymore” or “I have run the race…. until I got tired…nobody was paying attention and it didn’t seem to make a difference!”
Nope, we must never give up. I know that the struggles women have are very real. How do I know? Because I am a wife. I was raised in the city, my hubby is a country guy, I am a melancholic/sanguine, hubby is a choleric. On yes, and I forgot, he is a man, I am a woman. HUGE DIFFERENCES! It is not easy….. Our Lord never said it would be. 😛
You say you do your part, he doesn’t do his. You make the changes, he just stays grumpy and ill-tempered. You are the only one working on this relationship and he doesn’t care…..he’s not making any changes himself! You say, “I give up!”
I listened to a podcast recently. It was from the “Respect and Love” site.
Mr. Eggerich said in it that “you must be married to one pretty bad dude if he does not respond to you being more respectful and loving to him”.
It is true, there are a small percentage of men who are narcissistic and on the other hand, there are women who are divas. This situation can be very difficult because they just don’t see outside themselves.
BUT, if you are married to a regular guy, with regular faults, it is hard for me to believe that he will not respond to your efforts, if you are truly trying to change. And when I say respond to your efforts, I mean that he usually ends up doing some changing himself!
Remember, we can’t change him, we must accept and respect him. We must recall the things we loved about him when we first knew him. Sit down and write those things out. Make the effort, even if it doesn’t seem like it will help. God is not outdone in generosity! He will meet you more than halfway!
We should never give up seeking for ways to make our relationship better. It is what we are called to do.
So do not give up the good fight….run the race until the finish line! Be humble, search for answers.
Read the right books, talk to the right people. Do not talk to those who are giving you bad advice (and there are lots of those out there). They do much damage as they fan the fires of self-pity within ourselves. That is straight from the devil.
Yes, I know the struggles are real. The solutions are, too, if we keep looking and striving. It may not be overnight, but, in time, you will see that your perseverance has paid off!
In your living room and bedrooms, you should have at least one symbol of your faith–a statue of the Savior and the Blessed Mother, a crucifix, pictures which bring to mind events in the life of Our Lord. -Rev. George Kelly, 1950’s https://amzn.to/2BjwE9x (afflink)
Excellent sermon on the Eucharist!
This is a unique book I have written of Catholic devotions for young children. There is nothing routine and formal about these stories. They are interesting, full of warmth and dipped right out of life. These anecdotes will help children know about God, as each one unfolds a truth about the saints, the Church, the virtues, etc. Available here.
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Thank you for this article. Perseverance & prayer.
Quite a good read this morning! What do you do when he says be frank but I know what I really want to say will most likely hurt hard? Then what? What if you really can’t find a true solution to a problem? And women you thought you could ask really don’t know the answer and you feel like you just laid yourself bare but to no good help? 🙁
If you know these things will only hurt and not help, then it is best to not speak. Often…leave them at the feet of Our Lady and ask her to resolve it and for you not to hold any bitterness. There are many things that seem like they cannot be resolved. It is a matter of forgiving regularly, loving anyway.
If we asked him to be truly frank with us, and he was, it would hurt and maybe not help us, either. It depends. Often times, our husbands have to do the same with us.
The important thing is, to ask for the grace to let go of resentment and have longsuffering…with love.
And then…Be cheerful anyway, knowing our Lord has it in His loving Hands, He understands, and will take care of it. Either in our hearts or actually changing the other person.
Thank you. What a helpful post!
I decided to read through the biblical story of Jacob and Leah (spelled Lia in the Douay Rheims) and I found it to be very helpful. Jacob didn’t love Leah, his first wife, at all, but God compensated her by allowing her to conceive and bear more of Jacob’s children than Rachel (or the two servant women). She may not have received what she wanted, but she got something that was quite good anyway, and I often like to think that she learned to be content with what she had.
You may not be in the same situation, but this is helpful for the women whose husbands have left them, or for women whose husbands are still there, but have tossed them aside for other things. Especially when you know your husband no longer loves you and you can’t figure out why. Sometimes you simply have to move on, at least mentally and emotionally. I became so depressed I couldn’t function. It was just too much to deal with day to day being completely ignored in every way — and I mean literally….right down to things that men most often want from their wives. Finally I stopped homeschooling, because the way my husband felt about me was spilling over to them and they were starting to treat me inappropriately. I went back to work teaching school and they go to school with me now — one of them is in my class, and we all eat lunch together. In doing this, my relationship with the children has actually improved because they’ve seen me being respected by my colleagues. It’s taken time, but it’s getting there.
My husband’s feelings for me remain unchanged, although since I now have gone back to work I have a stronger sense of myself. So, while it absolutely does bother me, the pain is lessened. I did not think that would be the solution for the pain that has lasted now for many, many years. It wasn’t the way I thought, but it’s good.
Thank you, Leane, I needed this today!!! Goes hand in hand with a conversation I was JUST having. Thank you for being God’s handiwork for me in my life today!!! You are such a blessing to me!! Hugs!
You’re welcome! You are a blessing yourself Natalie! 💗
We fight not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers but what strength there is in prayer to Jesus and Mary indeed we have powerful arms at our fingertips on our lips to use at any moment. Thank you for this good timely post. I have been so helped by these posts and also by the good books suggestions most especially The Surrendered Wife and Searching for and Maintaining Peace of Heart I have found to be the most practically helpful recently. IIhad to smile when i read the disclaimer. YouYare a wise women. These are tough subjects and hard sayings but what you say is true and it so needs to be said. Nowadays there are so few good examples of what a true Catholic marraige and family should look like and behave like or at least what we should strive for. Also I have been going back to love is patient. Our world is moving faster and faster and there is such a need for us to slow down and be willing to wait for our family, our neighbor (whoever that might be at the moment). We’re becoming a very impatient society with all the technology and speed at our fingertips. It’s so easy to become impatient w those closest to us. Praying for you all. And please pray for me.
Thank you so much. I needed this today. Just this past week I was in that space, where I just wanted to give up. I felt like I was doing all the work. This makes me realize that maybe I’m not doing as much as I thought, and to stop being selfish in my marriage. As you said, I can only change myself. Thank you for your wisdom.