THE PHYSICAL SIDE OF MARRIAGE (Part One)….
Part Two is here.
From The Wife Desired, Fr. Leo Kinsella
With marriage a few mental adjustments must be made concerning the virtue of purity. To project virginal ideals of purity into married life is unfair to both her husband and to herself as well as harmful for a girl.
Marriage is an institution of God, in which two people cooperate with Him in the creation of the human race. God could have created all of us as He created Adam and Eve. He chose a more wondrous and mysterious way. Male and female were created and so constituted by God with faculties and propensities as to be able and want to reproduce themselves.
Thus the function of sex is just as important as the continuation of the human race. God has placed an attraction for each other in the male and female. It is natural for this attraction to lead to love and marriage. The manifest purpose of marriage is, therefore, the begetting and rearing of children.
The obligations incumbent upon and the problems arising from marriage are limitless. To compensate for them God has attracted pleasure to sex, psychological as well as physical. The pleasure of sex is consequently no more an end in itself than is the pleasure of eating. God did not gives us stomachs and appetites for the sake of pleasure, although He did join pleasure to this function of self-preservation.
Sex pleasure is God given and, therefore, to be gratefully accepted in the normal and natural relations of man and wife. Because so much of the sensuous world has gone mad in its misuse of sex, there is no reason for the Christian to be in the least ashamed of what God has graciously given.
In this regard it is worth mentioning that in the early centuries of Christianity the Church had to condemn the heretical teaching that sex pleasure in itself was sinful and, therefore marriage was to be avoided.
Concerning the subject of sexual relations it should be indicated at the outset that it is utterly silly to imagine that the newly-weds should have a romantic and amorous technique at their fingertips.
That will come only with time, with living together and having children, raising them and making a home. Their tender solicitude for each other through the years brings a maturity to their love that has nothing of staleness in it and everything of the refreshing newness of eternal things to come.
Thus, any girl who is well disposed toward marriage should have confidence that she will sufficiently adjust herself to meet the requirements of the ideal wife, as far as sexual relations are concerned.
The ideal wife is a happy wife. She enjoys marriage. It is almost a maxim that in order to be successful at anything a person must be contented and happy in what she is doing. It is difficult to imagine a successful and ideal doctor who is miserable in the practice of medicine. No wife will be happy unless she is properly disposed toward marriage.
Two glasses of the same size are equally well disposed toward receiving the same amount of water if placed under a water faucet.
If one glass is half filled with cement, then it will be only half disposed toward holding the same amount of water. Suppose a water tight cover of some type is fastened to the top of the glass. In this case the glass would not be disposed at all for fulfilling its purpose.
From all outward appearances two girls may approach marriage with equal chances of being successful wives. Both have average intelligence. Both are attractive physically and personality-wise.
Yet, one may be poorly disposed. She may have some mental quirks or phobias about marriage which constitute a real obstacle to prevent the normal excitement and happiness of married life from flowing into her being.
The wife who is not receiving the normal, natural enjoyment and satisfaction from her husband through her own fault will drift into some form of neurosis that will threaten the very stability of the union. At best she scarcely will be an ideal mate.
All too frequently wives bemoan the fact that they do not get any satisfaction out of marriage. Their husbands have all the enjoyment, they think. Husbands with this type of wife are not beside themselves in the enjoyment of marriage. Soon these women begin to feel that it is a man’s world. They have all the joy.
This is a dangerous attitude. Besides the judgment is not true. These wives will devise ways and means to even up the score. Most often an unhappy marriage, if not a broken one, is the result.
In dealing with failures in marriage I often find that many never did enjoy relations with their husbands. Very few knew of any physical reason. The great majority were laboring under some erroneous concept or vexed themselves and their husbands with some phobia or other, fear of conception and children, for example.
The ideal wife has enough common sense to realize that marriage relations are normal, God-designed expressions of love between man and wife. To experience a sense of shame or to imagine that the marital act is unlady-like is utterly ridiculous. The deep sense of purity and modesty of girlhood days must be adjusted to a new mode of life. She will have many opportunities to practice the virtue of purity in her married life.
Since marriage relations are holy acts in the sight of God, all activity of love making and caressing between husband and wife in preparation for the marital act is good, if the act is completed. Efforts at birth control are the only unnatural and sinful acts in connection with marriage relations.
The husband and wife who are motivated by love for each other and thus strive through their sexual relations to bring to the other happiness, pleasure, and contentment will receive as reward for their unselfishness the greatest measure of joy God gives to man and woman on this earth.
The ideal wife thanks God that He gives her a capacity for sexual enjoyment. If she has a husband intelligent and good enough to promote during their married lives this capacity, she has additional reason to be grateful.
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What will our children learn from us? We want our children to live life fully, realizing their great potential. We want them to be thankful for what they have and to flourish in any situation they find themselves. Our job, as a parent, is one of the most important jobs on earth. We must pray for the wisdom and the courage to impart all that is needed, though imperfect it may be, to help our children to live a life of faith and joy! -Painting by Greg Olsen
To be a “Child of the Church” is the most glorious title for a Christian and second only to that of “Child of God.” These two titles can never be separated – one depends upon the other; for, as St. Cyprian has said, “He who does not have the Church for a Mother, cannot have God for a Father.”
Jesus wishes to save and sanctify us, but He wishes to do it by means of the Church. He gave His life and shed His Blood for us; He put His most precious merits at our disposal; He gave us the Holy Eucharist and left us the heritage of His doctrine, but He wished the Church to be the sole depository and dispenser of these inestimable benefits, so that all who wish to enjoy them must have recourse to her.
-from Divine Intimacy
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Here is a marriage blueprint that every woman can follow. Happy marriages do not just happen, they are made. It takes three parties to make a good marriage; the husband, the wife, and the Lord. This book is concerned with helping the woman to become the wife desired and therefore loved that every man worth having wishes to find and keep.<P> This book sold over a quarter of a million copies shortly after its publication in 1951, and it was read by Catholics and non-Catholics alike. It is a practical manual. It should be read by every woman considering entering the matrimonial state and also by those women who are already married. It can also be read by men who may wish to see what a real challenge it is for a woman to live up to their expectations and how grateful they should be if they are blessed to find the woman of their desires…
Armed with Barbeau s wisdom, you’ll grow closer to your wife and to your children, while deepening your love for God. You’ll be able to lead your family to holiness amidst the troubles and temptations that threaten even the best of families today: infidelity, divorce, materialism, loneliness, and despair.
The Father of the Family makes good fathers and good fathers are the secret to happy homes….
Very good read, but there are women with very deep scars, how does one get past those? Maybe prayer, but Fr passes over fear of birth so lightly, some ladies need alot of support, and these days it is very lacking. :'(
I agree with father, it is a good article…I think marriage and the marital act should be done for love and out of love, not just for children. Some people have scars and they are afraid to be even touched,not to mention have children. The only way to approach to them is with gentleness and patience. If God is love, then love is the most important thing in the marriage. I also have problems with that because of traumas and my father is immoral so that is what I have been taught. I really want to believe that marriage is love, way deeper than just procreation and physical…
Thank you for this post!! Truly helped me!
In upwards of 1/3 of marriages it is the husband who refuses sexual relations.
That would be in my case, too. You’re not alone. It’s been five years and prior to that it was just enough for us to have a reasonably-sized family, about once a year or so (I have been so blessed with my fertility and all my pregnancies ended in a live birth, no miscarriages, God is good!) It took me a very long time to get over the bitterness that comes with finally facing facts — that I was a means to an end. He wanted children, and that meant marriage. When I would try to get help, it was always assumed I was the one refusing him. Then when I finally would be able to get across what was happening, it was as though nobody knew what to say. The silence was deafening.
In the process of accepting, I have learned much — and am still in process of accepting. I don’t think that process ever is over. I remember reading something about St. Bernadette Soubirous about how she was like a broom, which Our Lady took and made use of, and then she was put behind the door where she belonged. I remember her expressing complete humility and delight in being the tool of Our Lady and God’s Will, and that she was content to be doing the kitchen work in obscurity as a nun. When I read that, I was in the midst of coming to grips with what was happening in my marriage and I cried and cried and cried. I didn’t want to be behind the door. I wanted my husband to love me. And I suppose in his own way he was. He loved going to monasteries and on spiritual retreats. I struggled with resentment against them because of what was happening in our marriage. Finally I had the opportunity to confess to a good and holy monk and confessed my resentment of them because my husband was so enamored of them. He didn’t scold me for resenting the monastery (my husband had scolded me when I ventured to mention that I felt bitter towards the monks, he didn’t give me a chance to even explain why, just told me that I needed a serious attitude adjustment and that I was not going to encourage vocations in my children if I continued to resent them). Instead he showed me such kindness and understanding, it changed everything and I am eternally grateful to him. May God reward him eternally; he was the saving of my sanity and probably (hopefully) of my soul.
I know I only have to ask God each morning for the graces for that day. I know they are there, even if sometimes they’re hard to find. I learned over the years that I’m not alone either, there are more of us than we know, and probably more that don’t bother mentioning it because the opposite is always assumed, and also because it is so painful to have to face the reality that we aren’t wanted anymore. We have the opportunity to offer these sufferings in reparation for the impurity and outrages committed against the Sacrament of Matrimony, and also for our brothers in Christ who struggle every single day. It is a gift, although maybe not one we really wanted to have, but it’s a gift nonetheless. And yes, it’s humiliating to admit to the temptations and pitfalls we encounter that we never dreamed we’d be dealing with. There’s a gift there, too. Maybe I needed those humiliations. And the bitter reality of falling. Get a regular confessor, keep a strict watch over your reading material, what movies you watch, and BE CAREFUL AROUND MEN. You’re very vulnerable; don’t underestimate the power of unmet needs. Get to Mass every day if you can, never neglect your Rosary. Have a program and stick to it.
I don’t think enough has been thought of regarding those of us who are sort of in a unique situation — we aren’t widows, we aren’t divorceés, and our husbands are good, faithful, hardworking, and devout. There is a group of women whose husbands are going to become holy in spite of marriage; marriage is somehow “low” and they regard themselves as having “lessened” themselves by carnal relations so they can have children. We may be a small group, but we exist. Please don’t forget us as we navigate our own particular situations and work out our salvation.
Please pray that each day we can find the many gifts God has in store for us. They are often hidden, but when found they contain great treasures — we just sometimes have a hard time finding them.
I prefer to not give a name for obvious reasons. Thanks. I’ve been a long time reader of your blog and have commented in the past; your blog has been instrumental in my journey to accept things I cannot change.
I am feeling so sorry for you and will pray for you. But as a good Catholic, doesn’t your husband know he has a GRAVE obligation to answer your demands in this matter ? Maybe a good priest you know could talk about this in sermon so that your husband can hear it without feeling directly adressed… After all, it is the content of the marriage contract : we give each other a right on each other’s body.
Hi Maureen,
It’s been addressed; it goes right over his head. He does not care. I fufilled my purpose in his life.
I’ve tried to flirt with him and be warm which always results in a very sharp rebuke about not disturbing him or keeping him from sleep — he likes to remind me that he works and I don’t, and he needs more sleep than I do. The one thing I’ve never dared do is actually confront him and tell him flat out that he is endangering my soul. I am trying to pluck up the courage to actually be blunt and tell him that he’s causing me to sin. Somehow I don’t think that’s going to go over very well.