A couple of new questions and then a repost for Throwback Thursday….
I get questions from you dear ladies now and again. I think the answers could be beneficial to others and so I have posted them here….I have changed some words to protect anonymity.
Disclaimer: If in doubt with anything I say, please check with your spiritual director. He knows you and your situation and has the grace of state to advise you.
Question:
I am wondering with all your wealth of knowledge and resources if you have a good age-appropriate resource for pre-teens on puberty and the birds and bees! God bless you!
Answer:
One book I used was Mother’s Little Helper. Here’s the synopsis:
Twelve heart-to-heart talks to be given by Mom to her daughters about the mysterious processes of reproducing life. Presents timeless supernatural attitude in accordance with Catholic principles. Helps Moms instruct and train their growing daughters. Places the exact words on Mom’s lips. Arms girls sufficiently and supernaturally to control passions, avoid sinful occasions, and the use of the Sacraments. No crude language. Suggestions for preserving purity. Graduated structure in three parts: ages 9-12; 12-14; 14-16.
They also have one for the boys called Listen, Son.
A couple of others…Parents, Children and the Facts of Life. I was given this one by a reliable source. I didn’t actually use it so I can’t give you my own take on it.
Here is another one I heard was good but once again I haven’t read it myself… The Joyful Mysteries of Life.
Hope that helps!
Question:
Do you have anything you have written and recommend for Grade 1?
Answer:
Yes, I do. 🙂
Here is the list: Catholic Mother Goose Volume 1, Catholic Mother Goose Volume 2, Cheerful Chats for Catholic Children and then all of the Catholic Hearth Stories. You can find all of these books here on my Meadows of Grace Shop.
Question:
Hi,
I listened to your podcast today where you read about strength of will. And it makes sense but it left me discouraged. I am a very busy mom with many children and much going on in my life. I have already had to give up much because of pregnancies, etc. How will I strengthen my will if I am only doing what I know I can… I wonder if you can help explain?
Answer:
Dear Mama,
In very many ways, we wives and mothers can strengthen our wills without having to perform extra works.
You say that you have to give up much because of pregnancies. Of course you do! And by doing that, yes, even if it is something forced upon you, when you embrace that cross…you are doing what the podcast says…strengthening your will!
We live in “domestic monasteries” where the “bell” is going off constantly….a child is tugging at our skirt, dinner is to be made, a child is sick, we have to run to piano lessons, hubby needs lunch, etc. By doing these things as cheerfully as possible we are doing exactly what God wants from us at that moment…and in turn, we are strengthening our will.
The podcast was originally meant for the youth. They need to be reminded of the necessity of the will…and that it must be strengthened in order to live a Godly life.
It is a good reminder to all. But remember, our daily duty performed with greater joy and patience each day, is a perfect example of strengthening our will. We need look no further.
A quote:
If I am not capable of great things, I will not become discouraged, but I will do the small things! Sometimes, because we are unable to do great things, heroic acts, we neglect the small things that are available to us and which are, moreover, so fruitful for our spiritual progress and are such a source of joy: “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful over a few things, I will now trust you with greater. Come and share your Master’s joy.” (Matthew 25:21) -Fr. Jacques Philippe, Searching For and Maintaining Peace https://amzn.to/2WcepLs (afflink)
Question:
I have a few questions. As you know, we live in a world that is after our youth. It seems like everywhere we go there is inappropriate “everything”. It is very hard to find activities for our children that we feel are “good influences”. We were talking the other night and wondering if we should be “out and about” more with the teenage kids. We value family time and being at home, but are we home too much? How much socialization do you feel is good for teen boys? How do you handle this in your family?
Answer:
Yes, the young adults need socialization. We took part in activities in our parish. As the kids were growing up, they played soccer each Sunday with our priest and other kids of the parish. It wasn’t formal, just a lot of fun.
We had them involved in Legion of Mary.
Depending on the temperament of the children, they will crave this socialization. Even if they don’t, it is good for them.
The biggest thing we did for our family was have our children’s friends and other families over to our house for fun and games….regularly. This helped to fill the void. Oftentimes, we (their dad and I) played the games with the kids.
This was a huge way of getting to know the other kids and eventually led to some good courtships…
We did not send our kids out on their own to social events. For the most part, if it was an outside activity, we were all present…or at least one or the other of the parents or the older siblings. Someone was always there just overseeing things….well, and taking part in the fun, too!
It’s important for parents to seek out ways that their growing children can interact with other like-minded Catholics. Pray about it…God will open the doors.
Question:
Do you have any articles that deal with social engagements for small, young families? We homeschool and our area is quite progressive, including our parishes. We drive an hour to get to Mass for TLM, now. But my eldest is feeling isolated at times. How do you deal with this while learning and growing in your faith? Meaning- I can give her social opportunities but they conflict with our faith, especially when we are starting to adopt, although slowly, a more traditional faith life.
Answer:
We live in a community so this is not so much of a problem. But I know many who are in the same predicament as you. So they travel a bit. They make sure and come to our Traditional Family Weekend each year. They come to the Shakespeare Festival, the big parish events, etc. They scout around and find events that are in line with their family values and they plan the trips. This gives the kids something to look forward to and maybe they will be able to strike up a friendship and start a penpal relationship.
Mothers and fathers these days have to use their ingenuity. It is not easy but so important, to find good friends for our children. Be ready to go out of your comfort zone.
Invite like-minded families or kids to your home. Play games, indoor and outdoor. Keep it well-monitored. How many times I was so tired and just wanted to go to bed, but I waited until the “curfew” time was up for the visiting kids to leave so I could lock the doors and know that all was well (I still do this). I didn’t go to bed before things were shut down here. And many times I would much prefer a quiet night at home…but in would march the friends to visit our own children and take part in some good fun. It was exhausting at times.
So..yes..be ready to step out of your comfort zone! It’s so worth it!
An aside:
And I will say…if you can move to a parish that is more conducive to your lifestyle…then by all means, do!
My father-in-law had an amazing and well-paying job as a supervisor in California. He could take his 9 kids at the time…(they eventually had 13) to Europe on vacation to see the wonderful Catholic sites! But he and his wife saw the detriment the city would eventually have on the kids. They sold everything, picked up, didn’t know where they were going and left…eventually settling on a small farm in Ohio. So…it can be done!
That being said, if you make this move, and get close to a good community, don’t expect that you will get along with everyone there and see eye-to-eye. That doesn’t happen, but there is usually a family or two that you click with. Parish events, days of recollection, sports, all of these things help the children grow…it is vital who we choose to do them with.
It’s important for the kids to see other families with values like your own (even if you don’t become close to those families). It helps them when they are looking around to see if they are the only “weirdos” on the planet earth. 😉 We need support.
Question:
Can I ask you an odd question? Is there a traditional Catholic view on makeup? I have heard things like makeup is an abomination before God and things like that, but didn’t know if there was really grounds for that. I have wrestled with this question for years. You seem to have found a lot of resources that stay true to God and the tradition of our faith. Have you ever found anything on makeup? What is the view that you have reached through prayer?
Answer:
This is a touchy subject for many, as well as the modesty issue. It hits us very personally…it is something we have learned to identify us as women.
I do not believe there is a hard and fast rule about makeup in the Catholic world. There are many opinions…and that is what mine will be.
This is my own take from all the reading I have done.
If done with taste, not done in a gaudy fashion, there is nothing wrong with a little makeup. As a mother, I have to remind my girls what that taste is. They can be flamboyant at times, they love colors and so…they can get carried away. A reminder now and again, is good, that the natural can be enhanced…but not covered up!
Here is an article…Vanity and Cucumbers.
And here is a great sermon on Modesty: Appearance & Accessories
A Note on the sermon…you may just want to listen to it rather than watch the video. (That note was from Rosie…who didn’t like the pictures on the video). We usually just listen to the audio on this channel. It’s a great channel by the way! Sensus Fidelium
Question:
What about jealousy? Do you have any articles on this. I seem to suffer from this vice quite a bit…
Answer:
Jealousy is a tough one…but it all starts in the thoughts. When those thoughts rear their ugly heads, we have to halt them. They usually start by comparing our life with someone else. Break the cycle, stop the thoughts. At first, this can seem like a cyclone: you try to halt the thought by replacing it, but that good thought gets swept away, then another and another. But eventually the dust will settle, the storm will pass and you will be free…until the next storm. Each “storm” should get less violent as you learn the method of nipping these thoughts in the bud.
Gratitude really helps to overcome this cycle. That is where my Gratitude Journal can help. Start to turn those thoughts around….
And here is a book that can help…Sins of the Tongue and Jealousy in a Woman’s Life
Question:
Would you have a special prayer to pray for your children’s vocations and if they are called to matrimony a prayer for their future spouses?
Answer:
Yes! I have the most wonderful prayer to St Raphael who is the patron of Happy Meetings and of Vocations. I love St. Raphael. He is very powerful with God and everyone should foster a devotion to him. He helped me to find my husband when I lived in a Catholic desert. He is patron of happy meetings, vocations, travel, sickness, etc. Here is the prayer:
St. Raphael, loving patron of those seeking a marriage partner, help me in this supreme decision of my life. Find for me as a helpmate in life the person whose character may reflect some of the traits of Jesus and Mary. May he (she) be upright, loyal, pure, sincere and noble, so that with united efforts and with chaste and unselfish love we both may strive to perfect ourselves in soul and body, as well as the children it may please God to entrust to our care.
St. Raphael, angel of chaste courtship, bless our friendship and our love that sin may have no part in it. May our mutual love bind us so closely that our future home may ever be most like the home of the Holy Family of Nazareth. Offer your prayers to God for the both of us and obtain the blessing of God upon our marriage, as you were the herald of blessing for the marriage of Tobias and Sarah.
St. Raphael, friend of the young, be my friend, for I shall always be yours. I desire ever to invoke you in my needs.
To your special care I entrust the decision I am to make as to my future husband (wife). Direct me to the person with whom I can best cooperate in doing God’s Holy Will, with whom I can live in peace, love and harmony in this life, and attain to eternal joy in the next. Amen.
In honor of St. Raphael pray an Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be.
Dear St. Raphael, bless, protect and guide my future spouse.
In this troubled world we need the prayers of children. Their souls are innocent, their petitions special in the Eyes of God. Let us get our children on their knees, and with fervor and the remarkable confidence of a child, let us get them to pray for our families, our country, our world….. www.finerfem.com
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Thank you very much! Those “bells of the monastery” are always there for the rest of one’s life, sometimes hard, sometimes easy. 😉
Very brave to write on makeup……but it seems contrary to everything you post on finer femininity for the spiritual welfare and growth of all of us ladies.
I am a little disappointed, you said, ”it is something we have learned to identify us as women.” This is not characteristic of any of the wholesome writings you put on here. How does this not say, women can be looked upon as artificial? How does this help our men look up to women as real and wholesome, if on the side they can be artificially covered up? Yes, Saints Ambrose, Augustine, Alphonsus de Liguori, Cure of Ars, Thomas Aquinas came out very strong on it in the time they lived, with only a slight toleration for married women (not girls), and even then it wasn’t without multiple warnings. (Why aren’t priests referring to these stalwarts in the faith for backing?) St Alphonsus said those living piously do not follow this custom (dressing vainly, painting, bare breasts). Doesn’t mean one is automatically pious just because you don’t paint, but it does mean one is trying, and trying hard. It’s hard going against the flow. You said the girls keep wanting to push the boundaries…..how is this a good thing to have in the home when it so easily lends itself to one’s personal limit? If concupiscence has not changed, and humans are still inclined to the same vices, how is it that suddenly Catholic women can now identify themselves with artificial paints? This industry has been pushing this on women hard, and now you can even get child cosmetics, and Catholics and even priests are okay with this?
I think this quote from His Excellency easy applies to make-up given its sad history, “As long as certain audacious modes of dress remain the sad privilege of women of dubious reputation and almost a sign by which they may be known, no-one else would dare to wear that same dress upon herself: but the moment that it appears upon persons beyond all reproach, she will hesitate no longer to follow the current, a current which will drag her perhaps to the worst fall” (Pope Pius XII, Allocution to Catholic Action).
I DO want to say I liked make-up….very much. I like the colors and I used to get a high from thinking, “I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity Any girl who isn’t me tonight. I feel charming, Oh, so charming It’s alarming how charming I feel! And so pretty That I hardly can believe I’m real.” It was a security blanket – I could be someone else. I was part of music entertainment and was into a lot of this stuff. When I was a teen/young adult, the pro life groups had found some businesses started using aborted babies to get the right texture for their cosmetics (it seems this can’t be proved in the U.S. but it is definitely in Europe). I should have dumped the stuff then, but due to peer pressure I didn’t. I let a decadent society define for me that I NEEDED to wear makeup, how much I should wear – Interestingly, it very much is a changing opinion in the world on how much is too much.
IF all these things are just someone’s opinion, we should be able to wear whatever, whenever. But it is an issue and a deeper spiritual issue (and the saints and doctors say it is and this is what changed me), it seems the virtue should be given the “stage” and not these paints.
Chesterton said, “the Catholic Church is the only thing which saves a man from the degrading slavery of being a child of his age.” You can’t walk the edge without falling one way or the other and make-up is already an edge.
Unless I am mistaken, the only thing that would not re-color would be clear gel glitter. It can add a sparkle here and there but does not alter the original painting Our Lord created.
Dear Mary Ann, Thank you for your insightful comment, as always.
It doesn’t surprise me that you are disappointed in us….we are human.
When I said “It is something we identify with as women,” I meant, in general, clothing and makeup is one of the many ways women tend to express themselves.
As far as pushing the line (I said they get carried away sometimes)…have you not found that many of your children push the line on most things…test the limits? From a young age? And to push the line here and there on makeup is not a horrible thing…
We are discerning when it comes to makeup with our girls.
At the same time, we don’t taboo it as though it were a sin. Many saints have spoken strongly on dancing, yet, if done with order and gentility (which is hard to find), it is not condemned by the church. It is the parent’s responsibility to oversee these things in moderation.
Temperance, the fourth cardinal virtue, is the one that “moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance in the use of created goods. It ensures the will’s mastery over instincts and keeps desires within the limits of what is honorable.”
Chesterton was known as “The Apostle of Common Sense” and one of his quotes says:
“We should thank God for beer and burgundy, by not drinking too much of them”. (In other words, balance and moderation in something that can be sinful.)
I realize that we can have different opinions on these things. And you are right, as is proved by your comment, I am brave for giving my opinion on this subject…. 🙂
I am human too and unfortunately probably far beneath many of your virtues….. I am fighting the course still, I have not finished the race. I don’t love what you post because it is human, I love it because it pushes one to a higher level and personally I respect you very much for this. Much of it is difficult to read, but I know it is good. I was only disappointed because in so many other areas you elevate the soul thru sound spiritual reading.
So what about this: I am specifically referring to girls not old enough to marry yet. I think we all, me too, look at make-up thru emotional rose-colored glasses for various personal reasons and totally disregard the past, especially because sadly you can find any priest these days to condone any opinion. You quoted a traditional, highly admirable author/priest in that book; however, on this issue, what ground can he stand on when compared to the fervor/ force in which the Saints/Doctors of the Church condemned most uses of face paint as vanity and caveated the remaining cases? I do not believe it or like it because it is my opinion, but because the saints and Doctors of the Church are consistent on this matter.
You and I could very easily find many things from the Saints/Doctors of the Church condemning face paint/make-up, especially with the internet, and with that there are some that tolerate certain types of face paint under very specific/strict conditions (e.g. certain situations within marriage or severe scars) and pretty heavy caveats. Do you know of any Saint/Doctor or Church Document that promoted or advocated the use of face paint for girls not ready to marry, and if so, under what specific circumstances or situations (if any)? If you do have this, then is the situation you are advocating for yourself and us ladies/girls conform to what they say? Sources?
After all, we are striving for finer Catholic femininity, not mediocre. 😉 We should want to know if we should be using this stuff or passing it to our daughters regardless if we or others personally like it. 😊
Dear MaryArc,
As someone who once dabbled for a several years in wearing too much make up, who has always worn make up and is happily married expecting my seventh, I just want to add a few things. As a young woman it was def vanity for me, the thrill of colors and brightness, being able to look older than my years, probably the only artistic talent I’ve ever had. 🙂 My mother, now 70, has always her whole life worn very tasteful and neat and tidy makeup. We def liked seeing mom look fresh and pretty every day. Every day, before Dad came home from work, she would get out her lipstick and make sure it was on before she greeted him. She still does, 45 years later. I admired this and I saw a woman pleasing her husband. When we’re young, it’s sad we get into makeup so much as we actually look our freshest and sweetest then, but girls never see that! There is a line between vanity and consideration.
I am a tired, homeschooling, mom expecting my seventh and my oldest is 12 and it is a joy to fix my face up a bit, smooth out some blotches, put some lip color on, a little mascara, etc…all in about three minutes — because I feel fresher and brighter and I love seeing my husband’s smile and hearing him say, “you look nice today”. My sons especially seem to like seeing their mother with some color and looking attractive. I want my hard -working husband to be proud of me, I want him to be attracted. It doesn’t mean I’m not good enough without make up. But make up certainly can be used to enhance our natural good features and hide some of the less fortunate, like blemishes. Done minimally and tastefully I believe it increases our femininity. Some women hate make up, and that’s fine. But even they should consider their husbands’ thoughts on the matter. I have noticed my husband especially compliments me when I wear tasteful eyeshadow. Interestingly, he says “your eyes look beautiful today”, every time, not “look at that eye make up!” I have four daughters. My oldest is going through puberty and is not interested at all in make up. That’s great. My other daughters love to play dress up with my old things and I’ve explained that while single, a little can be used and looks like a finishing touch to our appearance, but make up is especially to please one’s husband. Two instances recently I know of with wise, experienced priests about this are these: one single woman, a nurse in her late thirties or so, approached a good priest in confession about whether it was okay for her to wear make up to work very day, esp as she wasn’t married and was not “in the market” for marriage. The priest said “absolutely, because you show your respect for your patients putting on your best and you bring them cheer by looking nicely put together yourself!” I thought that lovely, as it is the reason we dress nicely too when we go out or to church or to someone’s house, to show our respect for them and God. And ourselves of course. The second instance was a good friend of mine who is a tertiary and very pious and likes to dress plainly. She went to confession and told the priest she is worried make up would be a vanity for her but she was also worried that at 40 it might help her look nicer for her husband and he’d appreciate it. The priest said “you know, for some women wearing make up is a mortification. And that is a good thing.” And of course, yes, she was a wife first and should strive to please her husband. Who is going to deny that a little concealer and some mascara and lip color does not brighten an otherwise tired and drained face?
I know this is long but I’m so passionate about this. I think the modern fad of REmaking one’s face through cosmetic art for an hour at a time is sinful, but five mins of “putting on our best face” as Mom would say, I think that’s feminine and considerate.
And young women can be best trained at home by their mothers to what is appropriate, because they do need guidance!
Sorry this was so long! 😁
God bless!
What a lovely and beautiful answer. I feel very much the same way as I am expecting my tenth and these are exactly my thoughts on make up. I need a little bit of a freshen up in the morning and it especially helps my morale when going out and for my husband. I have never gotten into all the weird fads of contouring or anything like that but love the idea of a quick freshen up and looking the best that you can in the situation that you’re in. As a mother of nine, expecting 10, I do try to put effort into it. It’s not easy!
Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. God bless!
Thank you for taking the time to comment!
Thank you for answering these questions 🙏. I live in California and I am sick of seeing so much immodesty and I have a big list. My parents and all my family live here and I it makes it so hard for me to leave. I have a quick question, When are your traditional family weekend and the Shakespeare festival?
When my 17 year old daughter asked me, quite recently, about makeup, I was horrified. I’ve never worn makeup and she’s stunningly beautiful. It seems to me that it’s sacrilegious to put makeup on such a pretty face. Of course she says I’m just blind because I’m her mother and mothers must think their daughters are beautiful.
I do hate it. I think it’s a waste of time, money, ridiculous and vain (meaning empty). Someday, in heaven, God will give us a prettier face, for now it’s enough to be neat and clean. What needs work is the soul! But any priest I’ve asked says the same as you, so, what do I know.
That said, just so we’re clear, I still love your blog, and would ask your advice, I’m just sharing my two cents for the sake of joining the discussion.
Thank you for your input Anna.