by Fr. Raoul Plus. S.J., Christ in the Home, 1950’s
CHILDREN WHO COMMAND
If the training of the children from babyhood has been well done, there is the happy possibility that the parents can really be masters in their own home later on. Not that they need to exercise a fierce militarism; they should rather inspire a holy and joyous liberty; but when they give a command, the children must know that there is nothing for them to do but obey.
They will give few commands, avoiding such perpetual admonitions as, “Stand up straight! Don’t slouch! Do this. Don’t do that”, which irritate children to a supreme degree, weaken authority, and in time nullify the effect of any effort to command.
In the whirlwind of commands and prohibitions in which they are caught, children can no longer distinguish between important issues and details. Not having the strength to observe all the directions they receive, they decide quite practically to observe none except when a painful punishment impresses them with the need to obey.
Although the parents should give few commands, they must abide by what they have commanded and see it through. If children note that it is easy for them to wear out the patience of those who issue commands or prohibitions, and that sooner or later they will have the victory, they will unconsciously or even through a perversity that will always increase, set about to maneuver more and more triumphs for themselves.
“Leave that door handle alone!” Fine. The child hears the command. A second later he is at the handle again. Again he is told to leave it alone. The child resigns himself and for some time does not go near the door. Will he make a third attempt? Why not? After the second injunction mamma generally says no more. As a matter of fact, he renews his disobedience. Mamma lets it pass. She is conquered.
She will be conquered forever.
That is just one example of ten thousand where training falls short.
But when children know that what is said goes, the temptation to defy a command does not so readily come to them; or if should it come and they yield, they know their parents will not let their disobedience pass and that they will pay the penalty; they know too that the punishment will be in proportion to the offense, neither too little or too much but exactly proportionate; they take it for granted.
Away with all fussiness however! Let children exercise some initiative. How many parents forget that they were once young and as a consequence what it means to be young.
In his book “My Children and I”, Jerome criticizes in a humorous fashion the exaggerated notions of some parents who do not want to recognize the power for frankness in boys and girls of twelve, fourteen or sixteen years.
Veronica, one of the young daughters of the home, finding that the discipline of the house was too rigid protested with the comment, “If grown-ups would be willing to listen, there are many things we could explain to them.”
She decided to write a book in which she would give parents some wise advice. “All children will buy it,” she said, “as a birthday gift for their father and mother.”
Veronica was doubtless somewhat presumptuous but not stupid. People can learn at any age. Even from their children. Even when their youthful lessons are developed from impertinence.
It is better, of course, not to need their lessons.
TRAINING IN DOCILITY
Many parents complain that they can no longer get their children to obey.
Is it the fault of the children? Is it not rather the fault of the parents? A failure in obedience because of a failure in authority?
To command requires as much abnegation as to obey. If a person commands to satisfy his need of imposing himself on others, to satisfy his vanity, to prove his power to himself, he has missed the purpose of authority. Authority does not exist for itself but for the good of subordinates.
Parents can go to the other extreme and let their children to their whims and fancies in order to escape imposing any inconvenience upon themselves, allowing everything to pass and even refusing to forbid what they should forbid. That too is a failure in their mission.
To have authority is to have the obligation to exercise it – according to the circumstances and without exaggeration certainly – but it must be exercised and not held in abeyance; that would be a betrayal of a trust.
Authority is to be exercised; to be exercised within the limits of its control; that is its function. If through laziness or poor judgment authority is not exercised or is badly exercised, how can we be astonished that obedience is lost?
Authority supposes a soul at peace, a courageous soul, dominated by a sense of duty, devoted to the interests of the subject, free of capricious impulses and that sentimental concept of love which is often found in mothers who confuse tenderness with idolatry.
Parents and educators must arm themselves with courage to dare to take a stand against the caprices of their child. They must have keen judgment to know in which instances they should command or refrain from commanding, to be able to adapt the order to the capacity of the subjects, to be able to understand the subjects’ desires and satisfy them, to oppose their whims, their impetuous desires and disordered impulses.
In all this there must not be the shadow of oppression. Parents should realize the children’s need for distractions, activity, learning, and loving. They ought to satisfy them in everything that is legitimate. That will provide a generous principle by which they can refuse them what is not legitimate. In everything the parents should act with a balanced mixture of gentleness and firmness.
Certainly they should not govern their children in a way that suppresses their initiative. Their problem is not to develop paragons of perfection, children who are exteriorly docile but docile through passivity.
Parents should as often as possible insist that their children make their own decisions, assume their little or great responsibilities; but at the same time supervise and watch over them unobtrusively; be ready to help them if need be when they hesitate or arrive at imprudent decisions.
This implies that the parents strive less to develop a satisfactory exterior behavior than to fashion in the child a conscience that is exact and clear in the knowledge of its duties; it is essential that when a child obeys he does so not because of external constraint but through obedience to the law of duty, to the inward law formulated in the depths of his soul by God Himself.
The formation of the child’s conscience is therefore inseparable from his training in obedience. Let the child know that he must obey only because he must above all obey God; parents and educators are only the intermediaries of God in his regard.
Punishments which must follow wrongdoing will never be for him the indication of his parents’ excitability or moods but always and only the justification of a moral principle that has been violated.
“Life should be a perpetual joy, the joy of living for God, of serving Him in one’s neighbor, of saving souls, the austere joy found in suffering. There is the joy of living in a present of infinite value, joy for a past entrusted to the Divine Mercy, joy for a future assured by His Paternal Providence.” -Achieving Peace of Heart, Fr. Narciso Irala
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Manual for Eucharistic Adoration
Author: The Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration
Available here.
“I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament.” — J.R.R. Tolkien
Eucharistic adoration according to Fr. Frederick Faber is “the queen of all devotions.” Pope St. Pius X taught that it was the devotion “most profitable for our salvation.” And St. Gemma Galgani treasured it as “the school of Paradise where one learns how to love.”
So many popes and saints exhort us to spend time with our Eucharistic Lord. And the Manual for Eucharistic Adoration will enrich your hours with Him.
Part One, “Preparing for Eucharistic Adoration,” answers these questions:
- What is Eucharistic adoration, and why is it so important
- What does Scripture teach about this devotion
- What are the fruit of Eucharistic adoration
- How should I spend my time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament
Part Two, “Aids in Eucharistic Adoration,” provides these essential resources:
- Teaching about the Eucharist from Scripture and Church documents
- Scripture verses for adoration, wisdom and inspiration from saints especially devoted to our Eucharistic Lord
- Prayers, Rosary meditations, reflections and hymns
Mother Teresa once said: “The time you spend with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament is the best time you will spend on earth.” Take this great saint’s words to heart. Then take the Manual for Eucharistic Adoration when you go to meet Him, and keep it with you Spiritual Communions and other moments of spontaneous adoration throughout the day.
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This was good lesson, basically don’t discipline in anger or frustration…..
That may be as hard for parents as it is for the children to just obey.
So they both have to work at their weakness. 🙃Thank you