How To Be a Good Mother ~ Rev. George A. Kelly

06 Friday May 2022

Posted by Leanevdp in Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly, Motherhood, Parenting

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domestic happiness, domineering mother, good mother, martyr mom, overindulgent mother, raising children

Close to Mother’s Day is a good time to think about motherhood.

Timeless advice from a very smart priest!

The Catholic Family Handbook – Father George Kelly

In view of the many social evils resulting from the decline in the father’s influence, one of the most important functions the modern mother should perform is to help maintain or restore the father’s position of authority in the family. In doing so, you will fulfill your own role as a wife and mother to a greater extent than is possible when you permit your husband to be the lesser figure.

This was the secret of the success of olden fathers. Even though they worked twelve hours a day, their dominant role in the home was guaranteed and protected by the mother.

You can make your greatest contribution to your family as the heart of your home–not its head. From you, your children should learn to love others and to give of themselves unstintingly in the spirit of sacrifice. Never underestimate the importance of your role. For upon you depends the emotional growth of your children, and such growth will better prepare them to live happy and holy lives than any amount of intellectual training they may receive.

Most of us know persons who have received the finest educations which universities can bestow, who yet lead miserable lives because they have never achieved a capacity to love.

On the other hand, we also know of men and women whose intellectual achievements are below normal but whose lives are filled with happiness because their mothers showed them how to love other human beings.

It follows that in helping your child to satisfy his basic emotional needs to love and be loved, you give something as necessary as food for his full development. So do not be beguiled by aspirations for a worldly career or by the desire to prove yourself as intelligent as men or as capable in affairs of the world as they.

The father must always remain a public figure. The mother is the domestic figure par excellence. In teaching your child the meaning of unselfish love you will achieve a greater good than almost any other accomplishment of which human beings are capable.

You are the most important person your child will ever know. Your relationship with him will transcend, in depth of feeling, any other relationship he probably will ever have–even the one with his marriage partner.

As noted above, from you he will learn what true love really is. From the tenderness you show and the security you give, you will develop his attitudes toward other human beings which will always remain with him.

However, his dependence on you begins to wane soon after birth–and continues to wane for the rest of your life. In his first years, naturally, he will rely upon you almost entirely–not only for food, but also to help him perform his most elementary acts.

But soon he learns to walk and to do other things for himself; when he goes to school he can dress himself; when he reaches adolescence and strives for the freedom that adults know, he will try to throw off his dependence so violently that you may fear that you have lost all hold upon him.

Your job is to help him reach this state of full and complete independence in a gradual fashion. And your success as a mother will depend to a great extent upon the amount of emancipation you permit him as he steps progressively toward adulthood. Therefore you should try to judge realistically when your child truly needs your help and when he does not.

If you can reach the happy medium wherein you do for your child only what he cannot do for himself, you will avoid dominating him or overindulging him.

The dominant mother makes all decisions for Johnny and treats him as though he had no mind of his own; the overindulgent mother will never permit her Mary to be frustrated in any wish, or to be forbidden any pleasure her little heart desires.

The overindulgent mother may do without the shoes she needs to buy a doll for her Annie; she may stop what she is doing to help Johnny find the comic book he has misplaced; she may eat the leftovers in the refrigerator while she gives the freshly prepared food to her children.

The overindulgent mother is a common character in literature. Probably every American woman has seen movies and television programs, and has read stories in magazines and newspapers, in which these defects were pointed out.

Yet every new generation of mothers seems to practice the same extreme of behavior. Some excuse themselves by saying that they want to give their children every advantage in life.

Such an intention is laudable, perhaps, but the method is impractical. If you want to do the best for your child, let him develop so that he can face life on his own feet. Overindulging him denies him his right to develop his own resources and thus defeats the purpose of your mission as a mother.

Someone once remarked in jest that as part of her education for motherhood, every woman should visit the psychiatric ward of an army hospital. If you could see the countless examples of mental disorders caused largely by the failure of mothers to sever the apron strings to their child, you could easily understand why–for the sake of your child’s emotional self–you must make it a primary aim to help him to develop as an independent person.

Priests and psychiatrists often see problems from different angles, yet they display striking agreement in pinpointing other kinds of maternal conduct which do great harm to the child. Their advice might be summarized as follows:

Don’t be an autocrat who always knows best. Your child may have his own way of doing things, which may seem to be inefficient or time-consuming. Have patience and let him do things his way, thus giving him the opportunity to learn by trial and error.

Don’t be a martyr. Naturally, you must make sacrifices. But do not go to such extremes that your child feels guilty when you deny yourself something which rightfully should be yours, in order to give him what rightfully should not be his.

A typical martyr worked at night in a laundry to pay her son’s way through college. Before his graduation, he asked her not to appear at the ceremony–he said she would be dressed so poorly that he would be embarrassed.

Don’t think you have the perfect child. Some mothers, when their child receives low grades, appear at school to determine, not what is wrong with him, but what is wrong with the teachers.

When such a mother learns that her son has been punished for disobedience, she descends upon the school officials and demands an apology. By her actions she undermines the child’s respect for all authority–including her own.

You will probably be on safe ground, until your child is canonized at St. Peter’s, if you conclude that he has the same human faults and weaknesses that you see in your neighbors’ children.

Don’t use a sickbed as your throne. The “whining” mother feigns illness to attract sympathy and to force her children to do as she wills. Who would deny the last wish of a dying person? In this vein she often gets what she wants–for a while. The usual, final result, however, is that her children lose both sympathy and respect for her.

Don’t be a “glamor girl.” Motherhood is not a task for a woman who thinks that ordinary housework–preparing meals, making beds, washing clothes–is beneath her.

Of course, mothers should strive to maintain a pleasing appearance, but they should also realize that they are most attractive when they are fulfilling the duties of their noble vocation.

You would embarrass your family if you insisted on acting and dressing like a teenager; and, if you adopted a demeaning attitude toward household tasks, you would teach your children that motherhood and its responsibilities are unworthy of respect.

“In the Catholic home there is that modern rarity–fidelity between husband and wife. There is great reverence for parents by the children, great protection of weaker members by the stronger, and a great awareness of the dignity and rights of every member of the family. The Catholic woman has attained a height of respect and authority which cannot be found anywhere else, and the chief factor in her improvement has been the Church’s teaching on chastity, conjugal equality, the sacredness of motherhood, and the supernatural end of the family, in imitation of the Holy Family of Nazareth.” – Rev. George A. Kelly, The Catholic Family Handbook

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Outside Influences and Your Child

28 Thursday Apr 2022

Posted by Leanevdp in Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly, Parenting

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How many more deadly influences there are now than in Father Kelly’s time! We, as parents, have a difficult line to walk. It takes prayer, forgiveness (especially forgiving our own failings), everyday proactive diligence and confidence in the help of Our Lord!

From The Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George Kelly

The kind of adult your child will become will depend upon his heredity and upon three environmental factors: the influence you exert over him at home, the influence of church and school, and finally the influences of the society in which he lives–the television programs and movies he views, radio programs he hears, books he reads, and companions with whom he associates.

It is true that you, as his parent, will influence him the most. But it is a serious mistake to believe that he can be exposed to bad influences without the danger of being corrupted by them.

The Church has long recognized that even the best home training for a truly Christian life can be counteracted by other influences which oppose parental teaching and example.

It is precisely for that reason that she has insisted, wherever possible, that children attend schools which teach principles of godly living. It is also for this reason that she firmly urges parents to watch constantly over external influences to which their children are subjected.

These outside pressures are probably more pernicious today than at any time in Christianity’s history. Almost everywhere established standards are under attack.

Note the trend toward secularism which seeks to remove God’s influence from the everyday lives of the people. This trend prevents the reciting of prayers to the Almighty in many public schools and in many public meetings and is responsible for the shocking divorce rate and widespread practice of birth control.

As a result of the secularist trend, almost half of the adults in the United States hold no church affiliation at all, and millions of others who claim to be Catholics, Protestants or Jews make no visible effort to apply God’s teachings in their everyday affairs. Evidence of this movement away from God is apparent also in the growing materialism of American life.

This materialism leads persons to believe that success lies not in the development of the interior spirit but rather in the attainment of things–bigger motor cars, larger homes, more efficient appliances and the like.

A second destructive trend is that toward socialism. It is reflected in efforts to remove the home as the center of influence in a child’s life and to substitute the school or other state-supported organization.

Because of the state’s growing tentacles, for example, we see the pronounced campaign to educate youngsters about sex in the classroom instead of in the privacy of their homes.

Finally, the attack on established standards is nowhere more evident than in the flagrant obsession with sex. In modern America, sex stimulation is unending.

Almost everywhere there are lurid photographs, provocative songs, enticing scenes in films, and the glorification of sexy women in popular newspapers and magazines.

This flood of sex is not something which puritans alone are aware of; it strikes the eye of almost every observant foreign visitor. For as Pitirim A. Sorokin, the famous Harvard sociologist, pointed out in his book “The American Sex Revolution,” every aspect of our culture is literally packed with this obsession.

“Its vast totality bombards us continually, from cradle to grave, from all points of our living space, at almost every step of our activities, feeling and thinking,” Dr. Sorokin wrote.

“If we escape from being stirred by obscene literature, we may be aroused by the crooners, or by the new psychology and sociology, or by the teachings of the Freudianized pseudo-religions, or by radio-television entertainment.

We are completely surrounded by the rising tide of sex in every compartment of our culture, every section of our social life.”

These influences–of secularism, socialism and sex–strike at our fundamental religious beliefs and actions. They are insidious poisons, and unless you control their intake with the utmost care they may corrupt the minds and hearts of your children.

They exist in almost every area of public communication. They can be found on television, in movies, in books and magazines.

It is an error to assume, however, that those media are, in themselves, dangerous. As the late Pope Pius XII pointed out on many occasions, all instruments of communication can be marvelous forces for good.

They can be used to uplift minds and hearts and to intensify our devotion to the Almighty and our spiritual growth.

Much that your youngster might encounter in these media may be harmful or merely tasteless and–at least in a moral sense–neutral.

Much, however, will also help him to gain a mature understanding of the world and a greater insight into idealistic achievements of which he may be capable.

Therefore do not condemn movies, or television, or books out of hand. Rather, exercise a diligent watch over them.

Encourage your child to seek out what is good and helpful on the spiritual, emotional and intellectual levels, and restrain him from the bad.

In this necessary function as guardian of your child’s development, use the guidance of professionals and their listings of movies, plays, books, etc., which are suitable for children of different ages.

To protect your youngster from evil forces outside the home will require much patience and application. There are so many sources of possible moral harm that you will have to be constantly alert.

Your constant concern will be reflected, however, in your child’s wholesome development. Eternal vigilance is the price of sanctity.

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Your Child – Lying, Stealing, etc., by Rev. George A. Kelly

26 Tuesday Oct 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly, Parenting

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The Catholic Family Handbook – Father George Kelly, 1950’s

Father Kelly helps to get it into perspective:

Lying and stealing

Minor transgressions can be expected of every pre-school child; if nothing more, they indicate his desire to learn exactly what penalty will be imposed if he violates your rules. The three or four year-old probably cannot understand that all of us must obey God’s laws. Later, of course, he must be taught that lying and stealing are sins because they violate that law.

It takes a wise parent to understand the difference between a young child’s imagination and his lying. When children learn that speech has the power to affect others, they often make up stories simply to notice the effect upon adults. In such cases, you probably need not do any more than indicate your mild disbelief.

Untruths affecting others are a different matter, however. If your child lies deliberately about a serious matter, you should point out to him that his action is sinful; that it harms those about whom he lies; and that it harms him by causing people to lose confidence in him.

The best way to discourage lying is to encourage truthfulness. The child who admits the truth and is willing to face the consequences of his actions displays a fine sense of maturity and deserves to be complimented for it. But do not carry your commendation for truthfulness to extremes, as though it were a novelty.

Whenever one little boy did something wrong, he ran to his father and confessed. The father invariably praised him for his honesty and neglected to punish him for his actions “because he told the truth.” The youngster, now sixteen, is the most truthful boy in town–and the greatest mischief-maker. He firmly believes that simply telling the truth absolves him of all blame for his conduct.

Children also do a certain amount of stealing. Vinnie, three years old, sees a toy which Billy is playing with and takes it as soon as he can so that he too may enjoy it. He is simply doing what comes naturally; he wants the toy and sees no reason why he should not have it. Obviously, he commits no sin. He must be taught in a calm way, however, that he must not take things which do not belong to him.

You can strengthen your child’s resistance against the impulse to steal by strengthening his own sense of possessiveness. If you treat his possessions with respect, making it plain to him that you would not use them without his permission, you make it easier for him to comprehend his obligations to others.

Probably all children pass through a “stealing” stage during which you can impress upon them the importance of not taking what belongs to others. This tendency to pilfer others’ possessions usually decreases and ceases to be a source of difficulty by the time the child is seven.

If he continues to steal after that, it may indicate that some of his strong and legitimate desires are not satisfied. For instance, the parents of a ten-year-old boy habitually compared him unfavorably with others of his age. He had a compelling urge to show that he was their superior, and he began to steal watches and other jewelry and to flaunt them before his classmates as presents he had received from his rich, admiring relatives.

Other youngsters may steal to relieve their boredom: boys who raid a fruitstand may simply crave excitement. If your child steals after he has reached the age of reason and is morally responsible for his actions, do not minimize the fact that he has sinned; but also seek to determine whether any psychological reason may have been important in causing him to act as he does.

A child should always be required to pay for objects he has stolen, even if he must work on Saturdays or forgo his allowance for months to do so.

Early sex experimentation

A child cannot commit sin until he reaches the age of reason. It follows that no moral guilt is associated with his early sex experimentation. Some parents might mistakenly regard as masturbation a baby’s holding of his sex organ, but it is as natural for him to display this interest as it is for him to examine his hands, feet or other parts of his body. He may experience pleasure when he touches his genitals, but this act has no greater moral significance than has sucking his fingers.

The normal child generally discontinues his sex experimentation when he finds other interests–and you can help him do so by giving him rattles to hold or toys to play with. However, if he continues to touch his genitals habitually after he begins to walk, he may be developing a pattern which will make masturbation more difficult to resist in later years.

You should gently and casually remove his hands each time you see him doing so. It is best to discourage this conduct in a matter-of-fact way, much as you might prevent him from picking his nose. Do not overemphasize its importance; otherwise you may accentuate his interest instead of changing it.

Sometimes two and three year-olds display a curiosity about the organs of the other sex. This interest also is natural and no evil intent is involved, but it is not proper and should not be permitted. Likewise, the little girl who lifts her dress in company is not guilty of any moral wrong, but she should be told not to do it.

By the time boys and girls are about three years old, their training in modesty should begin. They should learn that certain parts of the body must not be exposed before anyone except their parents.

A young child usually can be easily trained to be modest if his mother will tell him in a calm, unemotional way what is expected of him. Much difficulty with children in this regard results from the inability or unwillingness of parents to discuss the process of elimination without a sense of shame, and without giving it an undue importance in the child’s mind.

Sex experimentation usually ceases well before the child reaches the age of reason, and sex does not emerge as a serious problem in his development until adolescence. If your child continues to touch his genitals habitually after the age of six or seven, perhaps he seeks the pleasure which he derives from the action to compensate for some sense of insecurity. If your efforts to stop the practice fail, you should discuss his case with a doctor.

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9 Considerations to Impress Upon Your Children

14 Tuesday Sep 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly, Parenting, Youth

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The Catholic Family Handbook – Father George Kelly, 1950’s

Father James Keller, M.M., director of the Christophers has made millions of Americans aware of the tremendous amount of good that one dedicated person can do.

The Christophers aim to encourage each individual to show a personal, practical responsibility in restoring the love of Christ to the marketplace and to government, education, literature, entertainment and labor unions.

They emphasize the importance of positive, constructive action and have adopted the slogan, “Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.”

Father Keller has encouraged countless thousands to undertake less glamorous, lower-paying jobs in order better to serve in Christ’s name. “Individuals who pursue this unpopular path receive a recompense which is a foretaste of the everlasting joy of heaven,” he states.

He lists nine considerations which you should strive to impress upon your children and which you yourself might apply. These are:

You are important. You, as a distinct human being, have been created in God’s image. All of humanity is nothing more than you over and over again.

No substitute for you. God has assigned to you a special mission in life which He has given to no one else. No matter how small it may seem to you or others, it is important in His sight.

Don’t cheat others. The Lord sends blessings to some people through you. If you fail to pass them on, you deprive others of what is rightfully theirs.

You are needed. If everyone figured “I don’t count,” imagine what disastrous consequences could result.

Spiritualize your least efforts. Begin to be a Christopher or Christ-bearer by serving others in small ways. Remember Christ said that if you do no more than give a “cup of cold water” for his sake (Matt. 10:42) you shall gain an everlasting reward.

Start in your home. If you develop a sense of personal responsibility in your own home, school, business and every other place, you will soon wish to reach out to wider horizons.

Don’t bury your talent. Even if God has given you only one talent, put it to work for the good of others. Don’t be like the man in the Gospel who said: “And being afraid I went and hid the talent in the earth.” (Matt. 25:25)

For better or worse. What you do–by prayer, word and deed–to see that God’s will is done “on earth as it is in heaven” affects the well-being of everyone to some degree. Yes, the world itself can be a little better because you have been in it.

You count as one. When tempted to play down your own individual importance, recall this old saying: “I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. What I can do, I ought to do. And what I ought to do, by the grace of God, I will do.”

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Dating Non-Catholics by Rev. George Kelly (Part Two)

13 Friday Aug 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly, Youth/Courtship

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This is not meant to be an attack on non-Catholics. What Father is pointing out is the differences between religions and the conflict that entails. Also, quite often there are unfounded prejudices on both sides…

From The Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George Kelly, 1950’s

Part One is Here.

Dangers to your faith.

You want to make a happy marriage, of course, but you should be more interested in saving your soul and giving your children the best chance of saving theirs. On this all-important point, statistics on mixed marriages set us back on our heels.

According to research by the Bishops’ Committee on Mixed Marriages and others, three out of every five Catholics in a mixed marriage turn away from their religion in some significant way. They may fail to attend Mass regularly, neglect to perform their duty of confessing and receiving the Holy Eucharist once a year, neglect other religious duties, or even give up their religion entirely.

Children born to mixed marriages also have less than an even chance of growing up as good Catholics. Some are never baptized. Others grow up holding that it doesn’t matter what they believe, and the odds are slim that they will be practicing Catholics as adults.

So when you marry outside the faith, you not only play Russian roulette with your own soul, you force your children to play the same deadly game.

Most Catholics have heard all about the spiritual and emotional dangers of marrying a non-Catholic. Why do some enter a mixed marriage anyway? They’re like the soldiers asked to volunteer for a dangerous mission.

The commanding officer lined up his platoon and said: “I need ten volunteers to wipe out a machine gun emplacement. I figure nine of you will get killed, but one will come back alive.” Ten men quickly stepped forward. The officer took each aside, and asked, “Knowing the odds, why did you volunteer?” Each one answered the same way. Each figured he’d be the one to return alive.

It’s a common human impulse to feel that we bear a charmed life and that rules applying to other people somehow won’t affect us. It’s common, but not a sound way to act.

In most unhappy mixed marriages, the husband and wife surely knew what difficulties they would face. Like the soldiers who volunteered, they figured that they could beat the odds.

I like the way an old priest handled the situation when a parishioner said he intended to marry a non-Catholic girl. The priest went down the list of arguments proving that mixed marriages are likely to end in misery for all concerned.

The young man shrugged and said he knew of cases where interfaith marriages worked out well. He even cited one which produced priests and nuns. The priest listened patiently, then asked the man if he would drive his car down Main Street at noon at eighty miles an hour.

The young man laughed at the crazy thought. “Of course not, Father,” he replied, “I’d get killed.”

It was the priest’s turn to smile. “Not necessarily,” he said. “I know a man who did it, and he’s still alive.”

Maybe you could bullet your way down the main street of mixed marriage and live to tell about it. But are you foolish enough to try?

Signed promises may prove meaningless. Before you can marry a non-Catholic in the Church, he (or she) must sign a solemn promise not to interfere with your practice of your religion and must agree to educate all your children as Catholics. He must sign away rights and privileges which are highly important.

For example, although his own religion may tell him that he can practice artificial birth control and get a divorce, he must accept Catholic teachings on these matters.

He must accept the fact that you tell your sins to the priest, pray to the Blessed Virgin and the saints, accept the authority of the Pope on questions of faith and morals, send your children to Catholic schools, and faithfully observe dozens of other practices which he may think are “superstitious,” or, at best, trying.

What happens? It’s no secret that many non-Catholics take the attitude that if it makes the Catholic partner happy, they’ll sign the promises, but they don’t really intend to keep them.

Researchers have found, in fact, that the promises aren’t kept in about thirty percent of all mixed marriages. And the sad part is that the Catholic partner can’t do anything about it. You can’t sue in a law court or do anything else to force your partner to keep his word. Those promises are good only as long as he keeps them so.

Do mixed marriages make converts?

Sometimes Catholics seeking to marry a non-Catholic argue that they’re sure they can convert their mate. Cold facts and figures prove that the Catholic who marries with this hope has only about one chance in five of making a conversion.

If you keep in mind the statistics showing that forty-five percent of Catholics in mixed marriages are seriously harmed in their own religious practices, you can conclude that the person who hopes to convert a non-Catholic actually takes a risk of losing his faith.

Practical aids to avoid a mixed marriage.

When they begin dating, few if any Catholics intend to marry outside the faith. Probably all would prefer to meet and marry a Catholic. But it often happens that they begin to date a non-Catholic, and are romantically involved before they know it.

Once “love” steps in, reason often flies out the window. “Love is blind,” the poets say, with good reason. Logical objections are swept aside in a great surge of romantic ardor. It’s pretty late to talk about the dangers of mixed marriages after a man and woman think they’re in love.

The way to avoid a mixed marriage is at the beginning. Don’t date non-Catholics and you’ll never marry one. It’s as simple as that. Of course, that’s only half the story. The other half is that you should try to meet attractive Catholics of the opposite sex.

True, in some places this may take a bit of doing. But it can be done. If you attend a Catholic high school or college, take part in dances and other social activities where you will get a chance to meet other Catholic boys and girls.

If you attend a non-Catholic school, join the Newman Club there. These organizations of Catholic students can be found in most institutions.

Take a part in church activities. Join the young peoples’ club, sports teams, the choir, and other groups where you can get to know members of the other sex.

A large percentage of husbands and wives were introduced to their future mates by mutual friends. This fact stresses the importance of making friends with Catholics of your own sex. Try to develop a pleasant, appealing personality and cultivate friendships of this kind. Your chances of meeting an attractive Catholic of the other sex will be increased greatly.

Be sure of this one thing: Mother Church is only interested in your happiness, here and hereafter. And when a loving mother with lots of experience says to you “marry your own kind,” she usually knows what she is talking about.

Punctuality exacts self-discipline and detachment; it often asks us to interrupt some interesting, pleasant work in order to give ourselves to another kind, perhaps less attractive or less important.

However, it would be a great mistake to esteem our duties and to dedicate ourselves to them according to the attraction we have for them or according to their more or less apparent importance.

All is important and beautiful when it is the expression of the will of God, and the soul who wishes to live in this hole he will every minute of the day, will never omit the slightest act prescribed by its rule of life. -Divine Intimacy

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Author Mary Reed Newland here draws on her own experiences as the mother of seven to show how the classic Christian principles of sanctity can be translated into terms easily applied to children even to the very young.

Because it’s rooted in experience, not in theory, nothing that Mrs. Newland suggests is impossible or extraordinary. In fact, as you reflect on your experiences with your own children, you’ll quickly agree that hers is an excellent commonsense approach to raising good Catholic children.

Fr. Lawrence Lovasik, the renowned author of The Hidden Power of Kindness, gives faithful Catholics all the essential ingredients of a stable and loving Catholic marriage and family — ingredients that are in danger of being lost in our turbulent age.

Using Scripture and Church teachings in an easy-to-follow, step-by-step format, Fr. Lovasik helps you understand the proper role of the Catholic father and mother and the blessings of family. He shows you how you can secure happiness in marriage, develop the virtues necessary for a successful marriage, raise children in a truly Catholic way, and much more.

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Dating Non-Catholics by Rev. George Kelly (Part One)

12 Thursday Aug 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly, Clean Love in Courtship - Fr. Lovasik, Youth/Courtship

≈ 1 Comment

From The Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George Kelly, 1950’s

Part Two is here.

Fourteen-year-old Pete was talking to his freshman pal. “I don’t know why the Church keeps harping on mixed marriages,” he said. “I know Protestant girls who are just as nice as Catholic ones. What’s wrong with marrying one?”

Pete’s argument isn’t unusual. Many other Catholics—adults as well as teenagers—have the same view. They know non-Catholics who obey God’s laws and who are decent, respectable grownups.

We all probably know Protestants and Jews who are a greater credit to their religion than some who claim to be Catholics. So why does the Church continually warn against marrying them?

If the problem were as simple as Pete thinks, the teachings of the Church would have no justification. But this is one of those cases I spoke of earlier—a case where you should consider the experience of older people.

Against the fourteen years Pete has to support his viewpoint, the Church has almost two thousand years plus the opportunity to study the results of millions of marriages. Surely she knows more about this subject than anyone. And she has found that the Catholic entering a mixed marriage takes a terrible chance…

Suppose you’re married to a non-Catholic. What’s life like?

You and your mate hold conflicting ideas over the most basic beliefs of your existence. Frequently, there is little agreement on what life is all about—why you were born, what kind of life you’re supposed to lead on earth, what you are supposed to do in marriage, what will happen to you after you die. On these, the most important questions in your life, your non-Catholic partner has been taught beliefs different from the ones you hold.

Other differences arise almost every day of your life…

You must abstain from meat on Friday in memory of Our Lord’s sacrifice in giving His life for mankind. Your non-Catholic partner thinks your practice is silly.

You want to arise early on Sunday to attend Mass. Your partner urges you to roll over and go back to sleep. It sometimes calls for great sacrifice on your part to go to confession and receive Holy Communion. Instead of encouraging such sacrifices, your partner by word or deed indicates that they’re totally unnecessary.

When your children are born, your problems multiply. When you were married in the Church, your partner solemnly agreed to bring up the children as Catholics. But this promise is much harder to keep than to make.

For instance, the baby must receive a saint’s name. Your mate wants to name him after a favorite uncle. It’s a major irritation when that can’t be done.

As your child grows older, his relationship with God, his point of view on life and its problems, his conduct will depend on what he learned in his own home.

Both parents in a mixed marriage promise to see that the child is made into a good Christian. But how often will the non-Catholic sit by complacently while his boy or girl is taught to view Christ through Catholic eyes only? Can you easily teach him that the Catholic Church is Christ in the world today?

What about Catholic worship? We participate in the sacrifice of the Body and Blood of Christ to our heavenly Father daily, and weekly under pain of sin. Can a child of a mixed marriage embrace this mystery and this worship, if either pop or mom never goes to Mass?

How can your son, for example, learn how important it is to acknowledge the supremacy of God, if your spouse indicates that morning and night prayers are unnecessary?

Being brought up as a Catholic, he’ll often ask one or both of you to hear his Catechism lessons. Will your partner help your child to learn principles which may conflict with those cherished by non-Catholics?

These are just a few of the sticky situations which repeatedly arise in a mixed marriage.

Have you fond memories of how your parents celebrated the great feast days like Christmas and Easter? Most people do. As a parent, you want to give the same happy memories to your children.

In many families, for instance, parents and children attend early Christmas Mass and receive Holy Communion together. This practice unites the family on this great feast day. But when the parents have different religions, the mother may go to one church and the father to another. The family is separated at the very moment it should be together. And it is togetherness on basic things that really makes a family. Separateness does not belong in the home.

Prejudice in Mixed Marriages…

Differences over religious beliefs aren’t the only problems in a mixed marriage. Let’s face it; millions of Americans have deep prejudices against Catholics. They might not discriminate against us, wouldn’t mind living next to us, might even elect us to political office.

But some have believed that Catholics stored guns in their cellars, awaiting word from the Pope to rise up and take over the government; others still think Catholics are ignorant and superstitious, the lowest class in the population; that Catholics are the pawns of priests and must do everything their pastor tells them about any subject.

You’d be astonished at the many wrong notions held even by educated non-Catholics.

Of course, this prejudice is not one-sided. Many Catholics feel antagonistic toward Protestants and Jews. And their objections are equally emotional, based on prejudice.

The wrongness of prejudice, even unspoken prejudice, does not change the fact that people have to deal with it; and the last place one should have to experience it is in your own household.

If you marry a non-Catholic, his mother and father may give you the deep-freeze treatment, and your parents may give him the same. Even if they don’t, you may sense it in your spouse every time something religious comes up. The alternative is perpetual silence, and this last state is worse than the first.

Can love overcome the animosity of in-laws? Think twice before you answer yes. You’ve lived with your parents all your life and have absorbed their ideas, and you certainly owe them love and gratitude. Can you turn your back on what they deeply believe and repudiate their teachings?

You may think you can, but in every marriage there are disagreements and difficulties. If you feel that your parents disapprove of your choice, you may be strongly tempted to run to them whenever you have trouble with your mate. There’s less reason to try to keep a marriage running smoothly when your parents disapprove of it.

Experts who have studied such matters have found that getting along with your in-laws is one of the best ways to insure your happiness. Then your spouse feels no pressure to choose, no need to turn against the parents to live with you.

Maybe the non-Catholic parents of someone you know treat you courteously and respectfully. They may have no prejudice against Catholics as individuals. But it’s a sad fact that few people grow up without some prejudices. So even if they accept you as a person, they may remain prejudiced against your Church or may have a bias against your priests. You’d still find yourself a stranger in their midst.

Your partner would probably experience similar discomfort among your relatives. If the arguments I’ve cited against mixed marriages are true, they would be as bad for non-Catholics as for Catholics.

You’d find ministers, rabbis and marriage experts taking the same stand as does the Church. And that’s exactly the case. You could start at one end of town, knock on the door of every minister or rabbi, and probably reach the other end without finding one who would recommend marriages between persons of different faiths.

They oppose them be-cause there are more divorces, more desertions, more legal separations, more failure; to get along well together in mixed marriages than in those where both husband and wife practice the same religion. It’s not narrow-minded bigotry that causes the Church to warn against mixed marriages. It’s plain common sense.

Your happy marriage will be the foundation of a happy home in which the entire family benefits. If you find it hard to understand how to make your husband number one in priority, without neglecting your children, keep this rule in mind: Don’t put the comforts and whims of your children ahead of your husband’s basic needs.
– Helen Andelin

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To the modern mind, the concept of poverty is often confused with destitution. But destitution emphatically is not the Gospel ideal. A love-filled sharing frugality is the message, and Happy Are You Poor explains the meaning of this beatitude lived and taught by Jesus himself. But isn’t simplicity in lifestyle meant only for nuns and priests? Are not all of us to enjoy the goodness and beauties of our magnificent creation? Are parents to be frugal with the children they love so much?

For over half a century, Catholic families have treasured the practical piety and homespun wisdom of Mary Reed Newland’s classic of domestic spirituality, The Year and Our Children. With this new edition, no longer will you have to search for worn, dusty copies to enjoy Newland’s faithful insights, gentle lessons, and delightful stories. They’re all here, and ready to be shared with your family or homeschooling group. Here, too, you’ll find all the prayers, crafts, family activities, litanies, and recipes that will help make your children ever-mindful of the beautiful rhythm of the Church calendar.

“Disgrace” in the Family

18 Tuesday May 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly, Parenting

≈ 4 Comments

Thoughts? Too harsh? Outdated?

(Personally, I wouldn’t send my daughter away. She would need her family most at this time.

Another thought ….If the father is no good, and if she left the area until the baby is born, this may prevent a very bad marriage. It would give her time to think more objectively about the man.

It’s a fragile situation, that is for sure….)

From The Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George Kelly, 1950’s

Often, despite the most sincere efforts of parents, a child for some inexplicable reason fails to develop into a normal adolescent or adult who lives up to his responsibilities respectably and honorably.

A son or daughter may be attracted to evil companions and may lead a life which causes public scandal. An offspring may drink, gamble, or develop other habits that become occasions of sin, if they are not sinful themselves.

Or, after acquiring a limited education, he may become sophisticated and turn away from the teachings of the Church because they are not modern enough for him.

Whenever such conditions occur, good Catholic parents are sorely tried.

If they could they would correct their child’s conduct and place him once again on the path to Christian virtue. Unfortunately, however, their influence over a child begins to wane after his early years.

A tendency toward evil that you can correct easily in your child of six will be difficult to eradicate when he is fourteen and may become impossible to remove when he is twenty-two. The plight of parents with offspring who cause shame should remind all mothers and fathers that the time to implant habits of virtue is when children are young–not when they are adults.

With our present knowledge of the causes of delinquency, promiscuity, and other shameful deviations from normal behavior, we can advise parents that scoldings, recriminations and threats are almost always foredoomed to failure.

Our Lord clearly taught in his gentleness toward Mary Magdalene that sinners can be won over by love, affection and sympathetic understanding–and that one may legitimately hope for reformation regardless of the depth to which the sinner has declined.

Parents must never cease to strive, by prayer, example and teaching, to help their wayward child to save his soul. They should create a framework of love and affection in which to discuss his problems with him and, by reasoning with him, try to get him to mend his ways.

Of course, you cannot condone sin. If your child uses your home for sinful purposes, you are morally obligated to prevent him from doing so.

If he refuses to be married in the Church, you cannot attend a civil ceremony and thus implicitly bless his action. You must always avoid giving others the impression that you support your child in actions which violate moral teaching.

On the other hand, you should make it plain that while you deplore and detest the sin, you love the sinner. By your unquestioned concern, kindness and sacrifice, and despite obstacles which seem insurmountable and disappointments which bring you to the border of despair, you may yet see a reawakening of his conscience and his ultimate return to you and the Church.

The need for sympathy and love is especially important in the case of a daughter who becomes pregnant outside marriage and faces the awful prospect of bearing a child without a father.

In older generations, such a sin was often considered justification for her parents to turn her away from their door and to thrust her, hopeless and friendless, upon a scoffing world. Such cold-blooded lack of charity was often a greater sin than the act which prompted it. Fortunately very few modern parents so lack compassion that they would reject a daughter at the moment when she needs them most.

Girls in such a predicament often have not received the parental love to which they are entitled. Some grow up in an atmosphere where they are deprived of natural objects for their affection, and they respond unthinkingly to the first individual who offers them kindness.

Of course, every person must fully accept the consequences for his or her own sins. But parents should also humbly consider whether their actions have not contributed to the tragedy. Even where they are not at fault, they should have charity.

When pregnancies occur outside of marriage, the question usually arises of whether the girl should marry the man responsible for her condition.

Experience teaches that marriages based solely upon a physical relationship which has produced unforeseen consequences stand little chance of providing happiness for either man, woman or child. If a strong bond of affection exists between the boy and girl, however, marriage may be considered a wise solution.

If marriage is impossible or undesirable, plans should be made for the girl to live away from her home community in the later stages of her pregnancy. Many institutions exist to provide kind care and sympathetic attention to unmarried mothers.

Often, they also arrange for the infant to be adopted, because the unmarried mother almost invariably lacks resources to provide the proper home environment for her child during his long years of dependency. The parish priest will know where institutions of this kind are located within convenient distance of the community where the girl lives.

When this procedure is followed, the unwed mother can return to her home without becoming the subject of a public scandal. Now, as during her pregnancy, her parents should display the Christian virtue of forgiveness. They should do all within their power to encourage her to turn from past habits and associations and to build a new life with courage and trust in God.

“Patience is a powerful help in married life. It controls and restrains strains angry feelings and outbursts of anger. It is a mature virtue that shows superiority of intellect, practical wisdom in daily life, strength of will, and a good, humble, and benevolent heart.

The more spiritual progress you make, the more patient and gentle you will become. Patience procures for you love and influence. It attracts people to you and is of the utmost importance in the family, since you spend so much of your lives together.” – Fr. Lovasik, Catholic Family Handbook https://amzn.to/2Dbcimb (afflink)

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Here, Baroness Maria Augusta Trapp tells in her own beautiful, simple words the extraordinary story of her romance with the baron, their escape from Nazi-occupied Austria, and their life in America.

Now with photographs from the original edition.

Most people only know the young Maria from The Sound of Music; few realize that in subsequent years, as a pious wife and a seasoned Catholic mother, Maria gave herself unreservedly to keeping her family Catholic by observing in her home the many feasts of the Church’s liturgical year, with poems and prayers, food and fun, and so much more!

With the help of Maria Von Trapp, you, too, can provide Christian structure and vibrancy to your home. Soon your home will be a warm and loving place, an earthly reflection of our eternal home.

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How To Be a Good Mother – Rev. George A. Kelly

10 Monday May 2021