Immodest Conversation/Dangerous Reading

17 Tuesday May 2022

Posted by Leanevdp in Clean Love in Courtship - Fr. Lovasik, FF Tidbits, Youth

Very good reading for all. Sometimes the temptations get confused with sin. Fr. Lovasik lays it out pretty clear so you know where the line is drawn…

From Clean Love in Courtship, Fr. Lawrence G. Lovasik

Immodest Conversation and Speaking

MORTAL SIN

Immodest conversation with the intention of exciting the hearers to lust. Course language which would scandalize and excite the young and innocent.

VENIAL SIN:

Immodest conversation which is merely suggestive or slightly objectionable.

No SIN:

Serious conversation about sexual topics is permissible when there is a sufficient reason for it and proper precautions are taken.

Listening

MORTAL SIN:

To listen to obscene conversation for the sake of the sensual pleasure that it excites.

VENIAL SIN:

To listen out of curiosity or to laugh at obscene jokes from human respect. Many people who tell stories with sexy content are not bothered by them, but they have to assume some responsibility for their listeners.

Things like this can easily give scandal, especially in a mature mixed group, and above all when adolescents are present. The mere fun of telling a story is never a sufficient reason for the uncertain danger of temptation which is practically always present.

A smutty story displays your lack of a sense of decency and the state of your soul. It proclaims the meagerness of your sources of entertainment, the coarseness of your ideas of humor, the inadequacy of your means of expression.

It soils the imagination of your hearers, hanging vulgar pictures in the inner chambers of their minds. A dirty story disgusts people of finer sensibilities who care for the clean, wholesome things of life, but hate dirt.

It dishonors your parents, your friends, your God and yourself! Off-color and suggestive stories and jokes may be serious occasions of sin in company-keeping.

They easily arouse passions and lead the way to sin. Make it a point of honor that you will never soil your date with a single dirty story. Say nothing that you would not want your mother to hear.

God sees and hears you. Never take willful pleasure listening to a dirty story. If you are not in a position to silence the Story-teller or change the trend of conversation, or leave, at least refrain from encouraging him by your interest or expression of pleasure and approval.

Let him see from your attitude that you are not interested. Avoid the company of those who tell filthy jokes or stories. If your friend belongs to this class, you have made a very poor choice.

Dangerous Reading

MORTAL SIN:

The reading of a very obscene book without sufficient reason. The reading of slightly objectionable books with an evil intention.

VENIAL SIN:

The reading of slightly objectionable books out of mere curiosity and without evil intentions, e.g., a novel with too passionate love.

No SIN:

Those who have a serious reason for reading (doctors, nurses, spiritual directors, teachers, young people about to be married who need instruction) do not sin, even though they should be strongly excited, provided that they control their wills. The greater the danger to the virtue of chastity, the greater must be the justifying reason for reading dangerous books.

Even mere entertainment justifies one in ignoring occasional slight motions of passion caused by a few suggestive pictures or passages in books or magazines that are otherwise decent.

But mere entertainment is not usually a complete justification for reading things that one finds strongly stimulating, even in an otherwise decent book or magazine.

One of the great enemies to the moral cleanliness of youth is the avalanche of filth being poured upon them today by smutty magazines, lewd pictures and newspapers which relate the details of sexual crimes and divorce scandals.

Such literature poisons the minds, befouls the imaginations and sullies the hearts of youth. The publishers of these filthy, sex inciting magazines are the arch criminals of our day, the criminals who turn out others by the hundreds.

Make it a point of honor never to read any literature which you know to be in any way objectionable. Refrain from reading cheap books and magazines that will scarcely be an inspiration to you.

Read and promote Catholic books, magazines and pamphlets in order to become a better Catholic and help the cause of truth and virtue. You cannot appreciate anything you know little about.

“Let us ask God every day and in every prayer we ever say to make us love Him. Let us offer every good act we do that He may give us this, the greatest of all graces, His blessed love. In our morning prayers and evening prayers, in our Rosary, at Mass, in our Communions, let it be our first, our most earnest petition, that we may love God. Let us never say any prayer in which this is not our outstanding wish and intention.” – Rev. Fr. Paul O’Sullivan. An Easy Way To Become A Saint, 1943

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This is a must-read for Catholic youth. The do’s and don’t s of dating, how to keep pure, what is a sin and what is just a temptation, the qualities to look for in a good spouse, etc. It is small, but power-packed, straightforward and balanced! http://amzn.to/2niVm2T (afflink)

Sermon for today. “What are the dangers of dating? What is the purpose of marriage? What does the Church teach is OK to & not OK to do with members of the opposite gender?”

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To the modern mind, the concept of poverty is often confused with destitution. But destitution emphatically is not the Gospel ideal. A love-filled sharing frugality is the message, and Happy Are You Poor explains the meaning of this beatitude lived and taught by Jesus himself. But isn’t simplicity in lifestyle meant only for nuns and priests? Are not all of us to enjoy the goodness and beauties of our magnificent creation? Are parents to be frugal with the children they love so much?

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Romantic Love…A Subtle Thing

02 Monday May 2022

Posted by Leanevdp in Cana is Forever, Marriage, Youth, Youth/Courtship

≈ 2 Comments

An excellent article reminding those who are contemplating marriage on what to look for and those who are already married on what they can do to rekindle love.

From Cana is Forever by Rev. Charles Hugo Doyle

Romantic love is such a subtle thing that human intelligence must be assisted by divine grace to be able to discern the true from the false. Few realize that true love is, as defined by Webster, “a desire for and earnest effort to promote the welfare of another,” and not simply another name for external manifestations of affection and sex satisfaction.

Nuptial love that is built on passion alone is doomed to failure. Almost all passions are temporary by nature. We know from experience that the passion of anger, for instance, is rarely able to be sustained at a high pitch. Once we “get even” with our enemy, the force of the rage is spent.

The same is true of love as a passion, for from this point of view the chief pleasure is in anticipation and once its object is attained it may wane and even pall. Marriage must be built on a much firmer basis.

A happy marriage depends on one’s early education in what real love is and what it is not, and what its end and object are. A happy marriage depends too on one’s capacity during courtship to discern true love from mere infatuation. Love whets the appetite; infatuation leaves hunger still.

“Love hath its seat

In reason and is judicious,”

says Milton, while infatuation directs action without reason and precludes judgment.

Love is a learned quality; infatuation is a play of humor in the blood. Infatuation can even be a one-sided affair, but not so, love, for as the Italian proverb says, “To love and not be loved is time lost.” One strives in vain to light a cigarette from a dead coal.

A doctor of medicine, a close friend of mine, and I were discussing a young man, a problem child, in whose case we had both become concerned. I ventured to suggest that what really ailed the boy was that “he had a touch of love.”

“You ought to know better than that,” said the doctor. “Love is like diabetes. There is no such thing as a touch of it. You have it or you don’t have it.”

Granted that one knows when he or she is in love, is there no infallible way of telling the genuine from the unreasonable facsimile? I’m afraid not, but I hasten to say that you can be morally certain your love is true and genuine if you find gentleness, beauty, refinement, generosity and intelligence and a reciprocal love made up of all these qualities and one that outdistances your love, day by day, month by month.

What? No sex? Yes, indeed, but when two persons are really in love and that love is genuine, the sex feelings are so controlled that, without realizing it, they find great pleasure merely in being in one another’s company.

Newell W. Edson of the American Social Hygiene Association, in a pamphlet entitled “Love in the Making,” has listed the following signs as indicative of true love:

A genuine interest in the other person and all that he or she says or does.
A community of tastes, ideals, and standards with no serious clashes.
A greater happiness in being with this one person than with any other.
A real unhappiness when the other person is absent.
A great feeling of comradeship.
A willingness to give and take.
A disposition to give fair consideration to the other party’s judgment.
A pride in the other person when comparisons are made.
A wealth of things to say and do together.

Mr. Edson neglected to mention something that I consider a most indicative sign of love, and that is a willingness to sacrifice oneself for another–to sacrifice something prized by the giver.

Sacrifice stimulates love while expressing it. It was Antoine deSaint-Exupery, I think, who said: “The mother gives nourishment from her own body for her child. By her giving she creates her love. To create love we must begin by sacrifice. Afterwards it is love that makes the sacrifices. But it is we who must take the first step.”

Emerson sums up the whole problem in his own inimitable way as follows: “All that is in the world, which is or ought to be known, is cunningly wrought into the texture of man and woman:

The person love does to us fit

Like Manna, has the taste of all in it.”

Upon parents, teachers, and clergy alike falls the grave obligation of forewarning and forearming teen-age youths against the folly of permitting themselves to “go steady” during high-school years.

Youth must be taught the dangers of this procedure well in advance of its actuality, for once the love-bug gets them they become blind to reason and deaf to admonition. Teen-agers must be shown that the wisdom of nature must be respected and that ventures into love demand maturity–physical, intellectual, and emotional maturity.

The bird does not leave the nest until its wings are grown strong enough to carry it. The chrysalis does not tear open until there are wings to take the tiny insect aloft. Teenagers likewise ought to wait until they are of proper age before going steady or being allowed to do so.

My experience with adolescents has been that under ordinary circumstances, they react favorably to logic. For instance, few teenagers would let themselves fall in love during their highschool years if they knew that more than sixty-nine per cent of those who were madly in love during that period of their lives did not marry the object of this youthful affection at or after the age of twenty-one. This proves simply that a person at twenty-one has a different sense of values than at, say, sixteen or seventeen.

No, youth would fail to condemn the folly of a sixteen-year-old lad who had set his heart on a red convertible coupe and had gone so far as to have a car salesman give him several road demonstrations, but who at the same time had no money to buy a car, no money for its upkeep, no place to keep a car, and, lastly, couldn’t drive a car.

Now, applying the same reasoning to steady company-keeping by minors, it is easy to point out the utter folly of permitting themselves to fall in love until they are old enough to distinguish real love from mere infatuation; until they are mature enough to assume the complex and responsible duty of parenthood; and until they have the income sufficient to establish and maintain a home.

Teenagers should ponder the wisdom of the words of Owen Felltham, who warns that “love is never lasting which flames before it burns.”

A person may not vote until his twenty-first birthday has been reached. Now, this legislation was enacted simply because the politicians felt that anyone younger lacked mature judgment.

Anyone who is too immature to vote is too immature to choose a life partner. There are physical reasons also involved in such a decision. The Germans, according to Julius Caesar, ruled that the act of reproduction in marriage was not permitted to anyone under twenty-one without incurring infamy: and to this he attributed the great strength and fine stature of that simple people.

But is it possible to keep from falling in love? It is, if kissing and petting are not indulged in, no endearing terms expressed through little intimacies, no gifts exchanged, and no confession of love made. It’s just as simple as all that.

Ovid, a writer in ancient times, said “Love gives place to business. Attend to business and you will be safe.”

It is a wise thing to have a few, good, well-founded principles to guide you when about to choose a mate. One of those principles should be that beauty of face and figure will not be the sole motivating factor in your choice.

Remember that “you can never tell the depth of the well by the length of the handle on the pump.”

A ready smile, a bright mind, a pleasing personality, a courteous manner are all more important than a pretty face. All the flaunted beauty of certain screen actresses and actors has not served so well in keeping them happily married.

To those who are intellectually, physically, vocationally, and emotionally mature enough to fall in love, we say emphatically that enduring love is ever built on virtue which cannot be seen in the other person at once.

Long acquaintanceship–one to five years–has better prospects than “love at first sight.”

Above all, we remind them that many more qualities than the severely practical go into the composition of married life and home building. Abstract traits are beautiful and indispensable, but:

“Will the love that you are rich in

Build a fire in the kitchen

Or the little god of Love turn the spit, spit, spit?“

Flour is the chief and most quantitative ingredient in a good cake, but flour alone won’t make a cake. You also need baking powder, salt, sugar, shortening, eggs and milk, a lot of sifting and mixing, a smooth batter, and just the right amount of heat.

Love is the chief ingredient requisite for a happy marriage but not the only one. A good many other things go into the making of a happy marriage, especially in these modern times with changing attitudes. Speaking of recipes, here is an old grandmother’s recipe that has a lot of wisdom in it:

“When once you have made your selection, let it remain forever settled and give your entire thoughts to preparation for domestic use. Some wives keep their husbands in pickle, others in hot water.

Even poor varieties may be made sweet, tender and good by garnishing with patience, well sweetened with smiles and flavored with kisses. Wrap in a mantle of charity, keep warm with a steady fire of domestic devotion. Serve often with peaches and cream. When thus prepared, husbands will keep for years.”

But getting back to our main topic–love–most readers will agree wholeheartedly with what we have stated thus far. There will be perfect agreement with the tenet that a person ought to know what real love is and be so well grounded in the knowledge that the true can be easily detected from the false.

Sound advice, all this is, for those who have not yet entered holy wedlock, but what about those already married who find the fires of love reduced to but smoldering embers, if not, as some protest, gone out completely?

To such persons we say that were it not within the power of man to “will to love,” there would be no solution to such a problem and most marriages would rarely remain happy for more than a few years at best. That it is not impossible to foster love for one’s husband or wife is being proven daily by thousands of thoughtful men and women who, while disillusioned as to the fitness of their match, nevertheless have forced themselves to look for the good and noble in each other, with the amazing result that a new understanding and respect has grown up between them.

No matter who it is, there is some loveliness in everyone that lurks undiscovered, and patient, kindly exploration will render it easily discernible and upon this a new comradeship can be born and fostered.

Always remember that the great bridge that now spans Niagara Falls first began with the spreading from side to side of a tiny wire. The wire was used to haul across a rope and at the end of the rope was a heavy cable, and so on until a bridge was begun that today supports the traffic of trains, cars, and honeymooners.

The point is that someone had to will that a bridge be built across Niagara Falls and from that will flowed the determination that provided the means for overcoming what appeared at first to be insurmountable obstacles.

The same holds true in marriage, and while one or both parties may not experience all the rapturous moments of happiness that they might have had had they chosen their life partner more wisely, consider that few marriages are a tale of uninterrupted bliss.

That everyone has within him the power “to will to love” is proved by the fact that in certain countries, in the past, there was no free choices of mates, and yet such a deep sense of the duty of loving was taught in the home–and not only a great and high sense of duty but the grandeur of loving–that the husband and wife usually managed to make a good job of mutually respecting one another.

So successful was this sort of thing that some wag–Lyttleton or Shaftesbury, I think–said: “Marriages would be happier if they were all arranged by the Lord Chancellor.”

The person who says, “I do not love my wife or my husband any more,” acknowledges simply that “the will to love” is absent. Such a person lacks good sportsmanship too, for a good sport will take pride in succeeding in every adventure, and marriage is one of life’s chief adventures.

Morton puts it this way: “In love, as in religion, faith worketh miracles.”

Whatever you do, give love time. “Love,” says Blucher, “is the river of life in this world. Think not that ye know it who stand at the little tinkling rill, the first small fountain. Not until you have gone through the rocky gorges and not lost the stream; not until you have gone through the meadow and the stream has widened and deepened until fleets could ride on its bosom; not until beyond the meadow you have come to the unfathomable ocean, and poured your treasures into its depths–not until then can you know what love is!”

And the measure of love? Mrs. Browning gave the world a wondrous formula:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and Ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday’s

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use,

In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith;

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,–I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!–and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

There is every reason to believe that all the ancient Jewish customs were observed at the marriage in Cana. If that be true, Our

Blessed Lord and His Virgin Mother witnessed a most significant reminder of the fragility of love.

According to custom, from time to time during Jewish wedding feasts, someone would put somewhat of a check on the joyous festivities by shattering the wine glasses of the happy pair. The idea was to remind the bride and the groom that all felicity is subject to instability, and that love, like a glass once dashed to the ground, could be shattered into a thousand pieces–and were repair possible, the cracks would always show.

In this, as in so many other ways, the lessons of Cana are tremendous and Cana Is Forever.

“Your most powerful ally in your noble struggle for decency is your religion. It takes you by the hand, guiding you over the pitfalls that beset your way, and puts your feet safely upon the paths that lead to the sunlit mountain peaks of nobility of character and purity. Not only does it make clear the moral law and supply sanctions for its observance, but it offers you aids to carry out that law.” -Clean Love in Courtship, Fr. Lovasik https://amzn.to/2rk4yFl (afflink)

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Women historically have been denigrated as lower than men or viewed as privileged. Dr. Alice von Hildebrand characterizes the difference between such views as based on whether man’s vision is secularistic or steeped in the supernatural. She shows that feminism’s attempts to gain equality with men by imitation of men is unnatural, foolish, destructive, and self-defeating. The Blessed Mother’s role in the Incarnation points to the true privilege of being a woman. Both virginity and maternity meet in Mary who exhibits the feminine gifts of purity, receptivity to God’s word, and life-giving nurturance at their highest.

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“Don’ts” on Dates/Teenage Dating – Fr. Lovasik

15 Tuesday Mar 2022

Posted by Leanevdp in Clean Love in Courtship - Fr. Lovasik, Virtues, Youth

≈ 4 Comments

One living in this modern age may think this list is antiquated. I ask you, has human nature changed? Are the Ten Commandments still applicable? Are people still born with Original Sin?

No, sin and virtue are not antiquated, they are just as real as they were 100, 500, 2000 years ago.

Father Lovasik puts before us some specific guidelines on how to have a chaste courtship. How important this is! It lays the foundation to a healthy and wholesome marriage. And if the courtship ends because one or the other sees too many obstacles, there will be no regrets…

Just a note…

We don’t play the dating game. We avoid many pitfalls this way and it has worked out beautifully for seven couples! You can see this post, Chaperones, Again?, if you would like to know more.

That being said, this may not always be possible. So this list is excellent for all!

“Don’ts” on Dates

From Clean Love in Courtship by Fr. Lovasik

Though the following suggestions are directed mainly to girls, they are equally applicable to boys, inasmuch as boys will know what is expected of a decent girl and will cooperate with her in preserving her virtue.

I. Don’t forget that the chastity of your soul and your good name are your most precious possessions; protect them by mutual self-respect. Therefore, always keep your courtship on a high plane and follow a “hands-off” policy and by your manner give men to understand that your loveliness is not to be marred by unruly passion and sin.

II. Don’t permit expressions of love or friendship for another to be prolonged to the point of danger of lust because all sexual pleasure outside marriage, that is directly willed, intentionally procured or accepted is a mortal sin. A selfish indulgence of your own passions regardless of the welfare of the one you “pretend” to love is not really love, but lust.

III. Don’t ever permit passionate kissing to mar your date, for true love is dominated by mutual respect for each other’s character, not by mere emotion, passion and lust.

IV. Don’t be so soft as to pay for an evening’s entertainment with cheap kisses, “necking” and” petting,” because a man who is not strong in chastity will probably take all you will give.

A decent man, even though he may be weak, does not respect that kind of girl. Don’t give a casual friend the caresses that belong only to the good Catholic man you will some day meet, who will be your husband and the father of your children.

V. Don’t be so imprudent and reckless as to date this one and that one without knowing anything about them beforehand. Avoid being alone with strangers.

VI. Don’t consent to keep company in a parked car, for darkness and seclusion are favorable conditions for sin.

VII. Don’t allow your escort to enter your home late at night after a date; this would subject both to danger and suspicion.

VIII. Don’t fall into the bad habit of permitting long “good nights” and “passionate goodnight kisses.” These have brought about the death of many a friendship and killed many a soul.

IX. Don’t encourage a young man to visit your home too frequently, or to protract his visits far into the night or early morning, to the discomfiture of your family and the detriment of your own and your health, virtue, and reputation.

Turning night into day three or four times a week in courtship is not a good recipe for the preservation of health or the increase of corporal fitness; this is particularly true if the long visits are accompanied with an emotional strain.

X. Don’t seek out or continue companionship with others whom you know to be inclined to evil jests and words. Never let your date be marred by a single filthy story, but show your displeasure at once.

XI. Don’t take part in dances that may be a source of temptation to yourself or others. In dancing, don’t hold your partner too tightly, lest you become an occasion or a cause of sin.

XII. Don’t go to see movies rejected by the Legion of Decency; even those that are partly objectionable should be avoided. (I wonder what the Legion of Decency would say to most movies young Catholics watch nowadays! -My note)

XIII. Don’t frequent taverns or roadhouses of questionable character; this is a disgrace to womanhood.

XIV. Don’t drink intoxicating liquor; it prepares the way for immorality by arousing the passions, blurring the mind, and weakening the will.

XV. Don’t dress unwisely so as to invite lustful interest, but becomingly, so as to accentuate your best gifts.

XVI. Don’t smoke, not because it is morally wrong, but because it cheapens your personality and detracts from your womanly charm.

XVII. Don’t hold to the opinion that the only enjoyable date is an expensive date. Real fun is found not on dates where a lot of things are done for you, but on dates where you are doing things together. Get interested in foursome or six some dates; they cut the need for adolescent lovemaking to a minimum.

XVIII. Don’t fail to avoid dangerous occupations in courtship, or permit yourselves to be too much alone. Rather, take part in healthy worth-while hobbies and pastimes which you find mutually delightful and in which you can indulge without loss of mutual esteem or virtue.

Enjoy good music; read and discuss worth-while literature; attend respectable dances and social pastimes, preferably such as are given under Catholic auspices and with proper supervision; frequent unobjectionable shows on the stage or on the screen; go on hikes with other young people and take an active interest in various wholesome sports.

XIX. Don’t be so snobbish as to think that the social activities of your parish church are not good enough for you. You should feel privileged and honored to contribute to others’ success by your presence and cooperation.

XX. Don’t get involved in a friendship that may result in a mixed marriage, for married life is difficult enough without having a difference of religion and moral outlook as a cause for further trouble, such as the question of divorce, birth control, Catholic education.

XXI. Don’t disregard the voice of your conscience upon returning from a date. If that voice is joyous and peaceful, your company-keeping is good and clean.

If it is sad, remorseful, accusing, something is wrong in your company-keeping, something that must be corrected at once or else the company-keeping must cease. The state of your conscience is a decisive test.

XXII. Don’t get serious about a boy who is not willing to prove himself by avoiding sin, especially impurity and drunkenness, frequenting the sacraments at least each month, and spending a reasonable amount of time in prayer daily.

Never think of marrying someone who will not be able to make you better for living with him, for the foundation of a happy marriage is a holy love which will enable you to aid each other to practice virtue and fulfill your duties.

XXIII. Don’t neglect to use the means of grace God has given you to keep pure. The best protection against falling a prey to one’s passions is regular Confession and frequent Holy Communion (preferably each week, or even daily), because these sacraments give you special actual graces to help you practice virtue and avoid sin.

Other aids are daily Holy Mass, the cultivation of will power through little acts of self-denial, the avoidance of dangerous occasions of sin, the counsel of one’s regular confessor, the reading of good books, the companionship of virtuous friends, the daily Rosary and frequent recourse to God and Our Lady in prayer.

Teen-age Dating

Dear Teenager:

Company-keeping prepares you for marriage. Every date has an influence upon your future. You sometimes need forcible reminders lest wild desire for fun bring tragedy. Right or wrong companions can make or break your life.

You should know exactly what is morally right and wrong on dates; this you will learn from the contents of this booklet. Though girls or boys don’t rush madly out to sins of impurity, all too often they are tricked into what they were not properly warned against.

Now God gave you a fourth commandment: “Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother.” Your conscience tells you to obey your parents as God’s representatives. They are responsible for you.

They are right in fearing moral dangers from “solo” dates and friendships with doubtful characters. They also have a right and duty to make rules regulating your dates, because they really want to protect your fun and your future.

The best thing to do is sit down with your mother or father and talk things over. They are your best friends. Let them decide what is right or wrong.

Obey the rules they make concerning your life, and dating in particular. Keep in Mind the Following Simple Suggestions:

I. You must have permission for dates. Permission can be given on a general basis (every Friday night you may attend school games and parties); or on a date-by-date basis (you may go to the basketball dance next Saturday).

Your mother and father need not know each detail of dates, but they should have the general picture.

II. Always ask permission if you intend to be away all night; this should be only with families your parents know and trust.

III. Your parents have a right and duty to make some rules about cars and about the beginning and end of dates. The boy should call for the girl at her home, come in and meet the folks, bring her home and say good-bye (not at great length) at the door.

Prolonged farewells in cars easily become dangerous. It is sometimes best to keep your dates on a group basis, that is, house parties, dances, skating parties. Group dates can be frequent in high school; “solo” dates should be spaced out.

Too much dating can very soon breed violent infatuation. And familiarity breeds a lot more than contempt; it leads you into sin.

Silly “going steady” (exclusively with one boy or girl) has ruined many a promising youngster and even many a possible good marriage.

IV. Build up ideals in your mind. Obey rules because you are convinced they are sensible; this is far better than blind or reluctant obedience. Obey and respect your parents because they have your welfare at heart and wish to please God and protect your future.

V. Your best assurance of a pure and happy youth is a close and tender friendship with Jesus and Mary. Such a friendship is fostered by at least monthly Confession, frequent Holy Communion(weekly, or even daily), regular prayer, especially the daily Rosary.

Undoubtedly youth is a most beautiful thing of itself. But, if you have in this tender flower, the shining whiteness of Christian purity, then you have human beauty displayed as something noble and exalted, attracting the admiration and imitation of those who see it. – Pope Pius XII

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Mixed Marriages/A Trinity of Love – Clean Love in Courtship, Fr. Lovasik

24 Thursday Feb 2022

Posted by Leanevdp in Clean Love in Courtship - Fr. Lovasik

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

catholic courtship, courtship, innocence, love, Marriage, mixed marriage, mystery of life, purity, romance, Sacrament of Matrimony

From the little book Clean Love in Courtship by Father Lawrence Lovasik

Mixed Marriages

The nature and purpose of marriage demand true piety and virtue in both parties in order that they may assist and sanctify each other. There can be no true unity of mind and heart if they differ in this most essential matter of religious belief.

The Church law says ‘‘The Church most strictly forbids mixed marriages everywhere.” (Canon 1060.) Thus she implicitly forbids courtship between Catholics and non-Catholics.

When the Church does permit mixed marriages by granting special dispensation, it is only with reluctance and under certain well-defined conditions.

The divine law forbidding these marriages when there is proximate danger to the faith of the Catholic party or their children cannot be dispensed by any human authority whatsoever.

Experience has proved the following facts about mixed marriages:

I. One of the great barriers to unity of mind and heart is difference in religion.

II. Mixed marriages have been and continue to be the cause of an alarming and ever-increasing number of fallen-away Catholics.

III. The majority of the children of mixed marriages are either not reared in the faith or early lose their faith.

IV. The modern non-Catholic’s attitude toward marriage is so different from the Catholic’s attitude that mixed marriage almost invariably leads to serious disagreement between the man and the woman, particularly about birth control, Catholic education, religious practices.

V. A non-Catholic can always end marriage in divorce, which is in complete opposition to Christ’s law. But marriage for the Catholic is a lifelong contract. Christ so ordained it, and the Catholic so regards it.

VI. If the Catholic in a mixed marriage is faithful to his religion, he is extremely lonely; he feels isolated from his partner, and he finds it almost impossible to explain the situation to the children.

VII. Marriage itself presents enough problems without adding the problems that are created by religious differences. Since the possible marriage with a non-Catholic, grand, noble and honorable though he or she be, presents so many strong dangers to the faith of the Catholic concerned, you must be careful to tell your confessor at once of the hazardous courtship.

This should be done in order to obtain advice. If you insist on marrying a non-Catholic, you should take the person to the priest, at least six weeks before the marriage that there may be ample time for the necessary instructions.

Though the non-Catholic does not intend to become a Catholic, he must at least know what his future partner believes, what promises must be made, the nature of marriage, its duties, responsibilities, and privileges.

Catholics should marry their own kind. Conversions before marriage are often more or less pretended and are seldom the fruit of sincere conviction. Those who embrace the Catholic religion merely to obtain a certain partner in matrimony usually are no credit to it.

There are exceptions, but experience shows that very few mixed marriages develop fortunately for both parties. Nine out of every ten Catholics who contract a mixed marriage do it to their own and their children’s serious detriment.

If you are prudent and eager for peace and happiness, you will resolutely prefer the single life to any kind of mixed marriage.

A Trinity of Love

Love, courtship and marriage are part of a divine plan. The flame of love that burns in the bosom of sweethearts is kindled by no human hands, but by a spark from the love that is eternal and divine.

It is God’s perfect gift to man. If you have always loved, prized and guarded purity and innocence as your most precious personal possession, your wedding day will be a truly happy day.

If you have prepared for marriage by a courtship characterized from beginning to end by a high mutual esteem, ideal love and devotion, angelic purity and unfailing self-restraint, begotten by the fear as well as the love of the Lord and a tender, reverential regard for one another, then you will taste the sweetest happiness that God grants to man in this vale of tears when the priest binds you in the deathless union of the Sacrament of Matrimony.

Then God will bless your union with that most wonderful of all His gifts, a little angel inhuman flesh. You will understand the fair romance and the sweet mystery of life when that baby binds your hearts still more closely together in a blessed trinity of love.

You are not only husband and wife, but mother and father. You will love each other with a love as strong as life itself.

In that sanctuary of the home, a tabernacle of holy love, you come as near to that celestial paradise as you ever can on earth.

“The wise mother, having an eye to the future, will at once seek to initiate her daughter into the mysteries of housekeeping. Most young girls are interested in domestic affairs, and are never happier than when allowed to have their finger in the domestic pie; but in this as in other things a thorough grounding is the most satisfactory.” -Annie S. Swan, Courtship and Marriage And the Gentle Art of Home-Making, 1894

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This booklet contains practical advice on the subjects of dating and choosing a spouse from the Catholic theological viewpoint. Father Lovasik points out clearly what one’s moral obligations are in this area, providing an invaluable aid to youthful readers. Additionally, he demonstrates that Catholic marriage is different from secular marriage and why it is important to choose a partner who is of the Catholic Faith if one would insure his or her personal happiness in marriage. With the rampant dangers to impurity today, with the lax moral standards of a large segment of our society, with divorce at epidemic levels, Clean Love in Courtship will be a welcome source of light and guidance to Catholics serious about their faith.

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A Frank, Yet Reverent Instruction on the Intimate Matters of Personal Life for Young Men. To our dear and noble Catholic youths who have preserved, or want to recover, their purity of heart, and are minded to retain it throughout life. For various reasons many good fathers of themselves are not able to give their sons this enlightenment on the mysteries of life properly and sufficiently. They may find this book helpful in the discharge of their parental responsibilities in so delicate a matter.

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Occasions of Sin – Clean Love in Courtship, Fr. Lovasik

27 Monday Sep 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Clean Love in Courtship - Fr. Lovasik

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chastity, Christian heroism, courtship, love of Christ, necking, occasions of sin, petting, purity, sacraments, self denial, three hail mary's

Sage advice for the young from Clean Love in Courtship, Fr. Lovasik

Avoiding Occasions of Sin

Avoiding occasions of sin is but a form of self denial. You need God’s grace if you wish to be pure, but you must cooperate with that grace.

You may receive the Sacraments frequently, attend novena services, make the First Fridays—all with the intention of not sinning against purity in your company keeping. And yet you may not be using the means at your command to avoid the proximate occasions of sinning.

If you know that someone or something is an immediate occasion of sin for you, avoid that person or thing. You cannot be pure if you insist on putting yourself in danger of losing your purity, by deliberately remaining in a parked car with your friend in some lonely place, or by remaining together for a long time indulging in “petting” and “necking,” kissing and embracing.

Your prayers to God for purity will be lies if you expect Him to save you from sin when you knowingly and willingly place yourself in the immediate occasions of sin.

Until you have given up these occasions, your reception of the sacraments will continue to be hypocrisy. Do not sell your soul to the devil to win over or hold onto a young man or woman.

You are losing everything but gaining nothing save misery and unhappiness, and possibly eternal damnation.

Safety lies in avoiding the danger. (If you play with fire you will burn yourself.) If you needlessly expose yourself to the danger of unchastity, you will rarely go unharmed. Therefore build a fence of self-denial around your virtue. Avoid all sources of temptation that can be sensibly shunned.

Be extremely reserved in allowing even morally permissible favors to a lover. Learn to enjoy one another’s company without physical contact.

Follow the Legion of Decency list and refrain from going to motion pictures that are even partly objectionable.

Do not read the “spotted” magazines and books unless there is some good reason for doing so. Above all, shun the company of questionable people, remembering the adage: “Tell me who you go with and I’ll tell you who you are.”

Love of Jesus and Mary

A deep love for Christ is a strong motive for chastity, and chastity is the most practical expression of your sincere love for Christ, for He said, “If you love Me, keep My commandments.”

This love is further proved by the frequent reception of the sacraments and by prayer and self-sacrifice. Remember that Jesus is your best friend and that He is always ready to help you keep your heart clean.

If you sincerely cultivate Mary’s friendship also, you will be pure. To be her true child, you must love the things she loves and hate the things she hates.

Purity is her favorite virtue. She hates nothing more than sin, for she has crushed the head of the infernal serpent. Call upon her especially in time of temptation.

With her help you will triumph over the evil spirit who tempts you. She will give you the necessary help to achieve the ideal to which she inspires you.

Never let a day pass without saying your Holy Rosary and three “Hail Mary’s” in honor of her Immaculate Conception for the grace of purity; follow these by the invocation, “0 Mary, by thy Immaculate Conception make my body pure and my soul holy.”

Pray for the grace and strength of the saints. They had a nature like yours. But “they had what it takes”: the grace of God and their own Christian heroism.

They would not dilly-daily with the occasion of sin. If you do not see eye to eye with the saints, you are the one out of focus.

They knew and loved Jesus and Mary. They saw the value of their bodies and souls. They understood the language of heaven and hell.

You are called to the same Christian heroism. To remain pure is a big task; it calls for the best that is in you. Alone—without the grace of God—you cannot accomplish this task; with His grace, you are all- powerful.

You obtain the grace of God especially through the sacraments, prayer and self denial. Use these God-given aids conscientiously, and your youth will be clean and happy.

“I have always noticed that wherever you find flowers, no matter whether in a garret or in a palace, it is a pretty sure sign that there is an inner refinement of which the world is not cognizant. I have seen flowers cultivated and cherished by some of the lowest and poorest of people. Where these emblems of purity are found, you may rest assured that they represent a hope, and speak of a goodness of heart not to be found where they are absent.” -Fr. Lasance, My Prayer Book http://amzn.to/2peMnkT (afflink) Illustration by genevievegodboutillustration.com

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Dating Non-Catholics by Rev. George Kelly (Part Two)

13 Friday Aug 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly, Youth/Courtship

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This is not meant to be an attack on non-Catholics. What Father is pointing out is the differences between religions and the conflict that entails. Also, quite often there are unfounded prejudices on both sides…

From The Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George Kelly, 1950’s

Part One is Here.

Dangers to your faith.

You want to make a happy marriage, of course, but you should be more interested in saving your soul and giving your children the best chance of saving theirs. On this all-important point, statistics on mixed marriages set us back on our heels.

According to research by the Bishops’ Committee on Mixed Marriages and others, three out of every five Catholics in a mixed marriage turn away from their religion in some significant way. They may fail to attend Mass regularly, neglect to perform their duty of confessing and receiving the Holy Eucharist once a year, neglect other religious duties, or even give up their religion entirely.

Children born to mixed marriages also have less than an even chance of growing up as good Catholics. Some are never baptized. Others grow up holding that it doesn’t matter what they believe, and the odds are slim that they will be practicing Catholics as adults.

So when you marry outside the faith, you not only play Russian roulette with your own soul, you force your children to play the same deadly game.

Most Catholics have heard all about the spiritual and emotional dangers of marrying a non-Catholic. Why do some enter a mixed marriage anyway? They’re like the soldiers asked to volunteer for a dangerous mission.

The commanding officer lined up his platoon and said: “I need ten volunteers to wipe out a machine gun emplacement. I figure nine of you will get killed, but one will come back alive.” Ten men quickly stepped forward. The officer took each aside, and asked, “Knowing the odds, why did you volunteer?” Each one answered the same way. Each figured he’d be the one to return alive.

It’s a common human impulse to feel that we bear a charmed life and that rules applying to other people somehow won’t affect us. It’s common, but not a sound way to act.

In most unhappy mixed marriages, the husband and wife surely knew what difficulties they would face. Like the soldiers who volunteered, they figured that they could beat the odds.

I like the way an old priest handled the situation when a parishioner said he intended to marry a non-Catholic girl. The priest went down the list of arguments proving that mixed marriages are likely to end in misery for all concerned.

The young man shrugged and said he knew of cases where interfaith marriages worked out well. He even cited one which produced priests and nuns. The priest listened patiently, then asked the man if he would drive his car down Main Street at noon at eighty miles an hour.

The young man laughed at the crazy thought. “Of course not, Father,” he replied, “I’d get killed.”

It was the priest’s turn to smile. “Not necessarily,” he said. “I know a man who did it, and he’s still alive.”

Maybe you could bullet your way down the main street of mixed marriage and live to tell about it. But are you foolish enough to try?

Signed promises may prove meaningless. Before you can marry a non-Catholic in the Church, he (or she) must sign a solemn promise not to interfere with your practice of your religion and must agree to educate all your children as Catholics. He must sign away rights and privileges which are highly important.

For example, although his own religion may tell him that he can practice artificial birth control and get a divorce, he must accept Catholic teachings on these matters.

He must accept the fact that you tell your sins to the priest, pray to the Blessed Virgin and the saints, accept the authority of the Pope on questions of faith and morals, send your children to Catholic schools, and faithfully observe dozens of other practices which he may think are “superstitious,” or, at best, trying.

What happens? It’s no secret that many non-Catholics take the attitude that if it makes the Catholic partner happy, they’ll sign the promises, but they don’t really intend to keep them.

Researchers have found, in fact, that the promises aren’t kept in about thirty percent of all mixed marriages. And the sad part is that the Catholic partner can’t do anything about it. You can’t sue in a law court or do anything else to force your partner to keep his word. Those promises are good only as long as he keeps them so.

Do mixed marriages make converts?

Sometimes Catholics seeking to marry a non-Catholic argue that they’re sure they can convert their mate. Cold facts and figures prove that the Catholic who marries with this hope has only about one chance in five of making a conversion.

If you keep in mind the statistics showing that forty-five percent of Catholics in mixed marriages are seriously harmed in their own religious practices, you can conclude that the person who hopes to convert a non-Catholic actually takes a risk of losing his faith.

Practical aids to avoid a mixed marriage.

When they begin dating, few if any Catholics intend to marry outside the faith. Probably all would prefer to meet and marry a Catholic. But it often happens that they begin to date a non-Catholic, and are romantically involved before they know it.

Once “love” steps in, reason often flies out the window. “Love is blind,” the poets say, with good reason. Logical objections are swept aside in a great surge of romantic ardor. It’s pretty late to talk about the dangers of mixed marriages after a man and woman think they’re in love.

The way to avoid a mixed marriage is at the beginning. Don’t date non-Catholics and you’ll never marry one. It’s as simple as that. Of course, that’s only half the story. The other half is that you should try to meet attractive Catholics of the opposite sex.

True, in some places this may take a bit of doing. But it can be done. If you attend a Catholic high school or college, take part in dances and other social activities where you will get a chance to meet other Catholic boys and girls.

If you attend a non-Catholic school, join the Newman Club there. These organizations of Catholic students can be found in most institutions.

Take a part in church activities. Join the young peoples’ club, sports teams, the choir, and other groups where you can get to know members of the other sex.

A large percentage of husbands and wives were introduced to their future mates by mutual friends. This fact stresses the importance of making friends with Catholics of your own sex. Try to develop a pleasant, appealing personality and cultivate friendships of this kind. Your chances of meeting an attractive Catholic of the other sex will be increased greatly.

Be sure of this one thing: Mother Church is only interested in your happiness, here and hereafter. And when a loving mother with lots of experience says to you “marry your own kind,” she usually knows what she is talking about.

Punctuality exacts self-discipline and detachment; it often asks us to interrupt some interesting, pleasant work in order to give ourselves to another kind, perhaps less attractive or less important.

However, it would be a great mistake to esteem our duties and to dedicate ourselves to them according to the attraction we have for them or according to their more or less apparent importance.

All is important and beautiful when it is the expression of the will of God, and the soul who wishes to live in this hole he will every minute of the day, will never omit the slightest act prescribed by its rule of life. -Divine Intimacy

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Dating Non-Catholics by Rev. George Kelly (Part One)

12 Thursday Aug 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly, Clean Love in Courtship - Fr. Lovasik, Youth/Courtship

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From The Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George Kelly, 1950’s

Part Two is here.

Fourteen-year-old Pete was talking to his freshman pal. “I don’t know why the Church keeps harping on mixed marriages,” he said. “I know Protestant girls who are just as nice as Catholic ones. What’s wrong with marrying one?”

Pete’s argument isn’t unusual. Many other Catholics—adults as well as teenagers—have the same view. They know non-Catholics who obey God’s laws and who are decent, respectable grownups.

We all probably know Protestants and Jews who are a greater credit to their religion than some who claim to be Catholics. So why does the Church continually warn against marrying them?

If the problem were as simple as Pete thinks, the teachings of the Church would have no justification. But this is one of those cases I spoke of earlier—a case where you should consider the experience of older people.

Against the fourteen years Pete has to support his viewpoint, the Church has almost two thousand years plus the opportunity to study the results of millions of marriages. Surely she knows more about this subject than anyone. And she has found that the Catholic entering a mixed marriage takes a terrible chance…

Suppose you’re married to a non-Catholic. What’s life like?

You and your mate hold conflicting ideas over the most basic beliefs of your existence. Frequently, there is little agreement on what life is all about—why you were born, what kind of life you’re supposed to lead on earth, what you are supposed to do in marriage, what will happen to you after you die. On these, the most important questions in your life, your non-Catholic partner has been taught beliefs different from the ones you hold.

Other differences arise almost every day of your life…

You must abstain from meat on Friday in memory of Our Lord’s sacrifice in giving His life for mankind. Your non-Catholic partner thinks your practice is silly.

You want to arise early on Sunday to attend Mass. Your partner urges you to roll over and go back to sleep. It sometimes calls for great sacrifice on your part to go to confession and receive Holy Communion. Instead of encouraging such sacrifices, your partner by word or deed indicates that they’re totally unnecessary.

When your children are born, your problems multiply. When you were married in the Church, your partner solemnly agreed to bring up the children as Catholics. But this promise is much harder to keep than to make.

For instance, the baby must receive a saint’s name. Your mate wants to name him after a favorite uncle. It’s a major irritation when that can’t be done.

As your child grows older, his relationship with God, his point of view on life and its problems, his conduct will depend on what he learned in his own home.

Both parents in a mixed marriage promise to see that the child is made into a good Christian. But how often will the non-Catholic sit by complacently while his boy or girl is taught to view Christ through Catholic eyes only? Can you easily teach him that the Catholic Church is Christ in the world today?

What about Catholic worship? We participate in the sacrifice of the Body and Blood of Christ to our heavenly Father daily, and weekly under pain of sin. Can a child of a mixed marriage embrace this mystery and this worship, if either pop or mom never goes to Mass?

How can your son, for example, learn how important it is to acknowledge the supremacy of God, if your spouse indicates that morning and night prayers are unnecessary?

Being brought up as a Catholic, he’ll often ask one or both of you to hear his Catechism lessons. Will your partner help your child to learn principles which may conflict with those cherished by non-Catholics?

These are just a few of the sticky situations which repeatedly arise in a mixed marriage.

Have you fond memories of how your parents celebrated the great feast days like Christmas and Easter? Most people do. As a parent, you want to give the same happy memories to your children.

In many families, for instance, parents and children attend early Christmas Mass and receive Holy Communion together. This practice unites the family on this great feast day. But when the parents have different religions, the mother may go to one church and the father to another. The family is separated at the very moment it should be together. And it is togetherness on basic things that really makes a family. Separateness does not belong in the home.

Prejudice in Mixed Marriages…

Differences over religious beliefs aren’t the only problems in a mixed marriage. Let’s face it; millions of Americans have deep prejudices against Catholics. They might not discriminate against us, wouldn’t mind living next to us, might even elect us to political office.

But some have believed that Catholics stored guns in their cellars, awaiting word from the Pope to rise up and take over the government; others still think Catholics are ignorant and superstitious, the lowest class in the population; that Catholics are the pawns of priests and must do everything their pastor tells them about any subject.

You’d be astonished at the many wrong notions held even by educated non-Catholics.

Of course, this prejudice is not one-sided. Many Catholics feel antagonistic toward Protestants and Jews. And their objections are equally emotional, based on prejudice.

The wrongness of prejudice, even unspoken prejudice, does not change the fact that people have to deal with it; and the last place one should have to experience it is in your own household.

If you marry a non-Catholic, his mother and father may give you the deep-freeze treatment, and your parents may give him the same. Even if they don’t, you may sense it in your spouse every time something religious comes up. The alternative is perpetual silence, and this last state is worse than the first.

Can love overcome the animosity of in-laws? Think twice before you answer yes. You’ve lived with your parents all your life and have absorbed their ideas, and you certainly owe them love and gratitude. Can you turn your back on what they deeply believe and repudiate their teachings?

You may think you can, but in every marriage there are disagreements and difficulties. If you feel that your parents disapprove of your choice, you may be strongly tempted to run to them whenever you have trouble with your mate. There’s less reason to try to keep a marriage running smoothly when your parents disapprove of it.

Experts who have studied such matters have found that getting along with your in-laws is one of the best ways to insure your happiness. Then your spouse feels no pressure to choose, no need to turn against the parents to live with you.

Maybe the non-Catholic parents of someone you know treat you courteously and respectfully. They may have no prejudice against Catholics as individuals. But it’s a sad fact that few people grow up without some prejudices. So even if they accept you as a person, they may remain prejudiced against your Church or may have a bias against your priests. You’d still find yourself a stranger in their midst.

Your partner would probably experience similar discomfort among your relatives. If the arguments I’ve cited against mixed marriages are true, they would be as bad for non-Catholics as for Catholics.

You’d find ministers, rabbis and marriage experts taking the same stand as does the Church. And that’s exactly the case. You could start at one end of town, knock on the door of every minister or rabbi, and probably reach the other end without finding one who would recommend marriages between persons of different faiths.

They oppose them be-cause there are more divorces, more desertions, more legal separations, more failure; to get along well together in mixed marriages than in those where both husband and wife practice the same religion. It’s not narrow-minded bigotry that causes the Church to warn against mixed marriages. It’s plain common sense.

Your happy marriage will be the foundation of a happy home in which the entire family benefits. If you find it hard to understand how to make your husband number one in priority, without neglecting your children, keep this rule in mind: Don’t put the comforts and whims of your children ahead of your husband’s basic needs.
– Helen Andelin

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The Rejected Suitor

07 Monday Jun 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in by Anne Kootz, FF Tidbits, Youth/Courtship

≈ 2 Comments

by Anne Ross Kootz

There so is much accumulated wisdom, so easily accessible now, for young women who want to live holy lives. How to: prepare for roles as traditional wives and mothers; enjoy a chaste and successful courtship; begin a happy and fruitful marriage with a God-fearing man. FinerFem.com is itself a first-rate source of this information.

Gratefully, I scan this and other sources of womanly interests, though I am the mother of sons, only. I have spent myself for more than 26 years trying to form ornery, grimy little boys into strong, virtuous, and devout future husbands (and priests.) You see how I might also have an interest in anything that will help other mothers rear their daughters as future wives!

In all this wealth of information, however, there is a neglected element deserving of a closer look.

Recall: God-fearing Catholic men are just like any others when it comes to our fairer sex. We fascinate them. Yes. Absolutely. Fascinate. Most men manage to keep themselves under cool control, but within their minds and hearts… lightning is flashing, bells are ringing, and storms are raging when in the presence of the Feminine. These men are to be commended for their self-mastery!

Because of this fascination, good men really want to please us. Eagerly! With tremendous effort! Sometimes they will even ask their mothers what to do, because mom might remember being a girl.

So, what is the problem? Because we fascinate them, men are vulnerable to our attention, and lack of attention. A quick smile will send him, interiorly, into flights of happiness. One short, but pleasant conversation will put a spring in his step for days. Usually we are adept at genteel behavior. Sadly, sometimes we are focused on our own interests, forgetting that hidden weakness in a man’s armor. A thoughtless word, or snub, can injure his heart without our ever intending it!

When someone simply wants to engage you in conversation, common courtesy suggests you give at least a few minutes of your time. If you already know a man, and welcome his attention, conversation comes easily. As for a potential suitor, whom you do not yet know well, a few friendly chats could lead to pleasant discoveries! Impromptu opportunities abound – for instance, invite him to wash dishes with you after a party!

But what if you do know him, for many months or years now, and really aren’t interested? What can a lady do to deflect unwanted attention? Evasion is the easy, automatic response. But is it the right response?

When you avoid a man because of his unwanted attentions, you merely drag him along. He wonders if you are simply shy, and he should persevere gently until you are more comfortable with him. He may suspect you don’t like him, or there is simply no sparkle for you, and he should back away. He just doesn’t know. And he can’t read your mind. This situation confuses him. Remember, he wants to please you. He is trying to find out how to do this. How can you help him? Use words!

Here are some suggestions. First, practice the virtue of charity at all times. In the case of the unwanted suitor, this means you must be courageous enough to find words to tell him. Maybe you appreciate his kindness toward you, but would prefer to keep your friendship on a purely casual level. Do you already have a mutual agreement with another man? He may not want to hear it, but he will prefer the truth to the uncertainty.

Collect your thoughts before speaking to him. Focus for a moment on his positive attributes. Then your remarks will give him hope to find an good woman who will appreciate him. Is he an attractive man? Intelligent, warm, humorous, kind? Is he admirably devout? Does he sing or serve at Holy Mass? Observe his qualities, and acknowledge them. Does God have a better match for him? Take the time to write your ideas. When you have formulated your best response, please tell him at the next reasonable opportunity.

You can, of course, write him a letter. But telling him in person, discretely, may better support his inherent human dignity.

What circumstances might permit this private communication? Where you can be seen, but not overheard, by others. For example, walk with him for a moment in a parking lot, or at the edge of a sports field. Out of doors is best, as fresh air and open spaces will help him manage his disappointment.

Once you make it very clear, verbally, kindly, you are not the one for him, he will be briefly stung. But he will probably recover quickly, and be free to notice another woman – perhaps one who has been hoping to get his attention. Thus you may be doing two acts-of-mercy in one!

“Love one another as I have loved you.” Your goal is to live a holy life now and gain eternal life in heaven. The exciting time of young adulthood, with vocation discernment and courtships, is part of that process. You can leave a trail of wounded hearts, or a legacy of graciousness. Bestow a treasury of warm memories on all who know you, including that rejected suitor.

“No—the age of chivalry has not so utterly passed away… the spirit which animated the knightly institutions of old still remains to inspire lofty aims, sentiments of the most exalted and self-denying generosity, and deeds of chivalrous daring and heroic self-sacrifice, as worthy of eternal remembrance as those that ever graced the lives of a Godfrey, a Tancred, or a St. Louis.” – Fr. Bernard O’Reilly, True Men As We Need Them, 1878, Painting by Franz Gullery

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This is a unique book of Catholic devotions for young children. There is nothing routine and formal about these stories. They are interesting, full of warmth and dipped right out of life. These anecdotes will help children know about God, as each one unfolds a truth about the saints, the Church, the virtues, etc. These are short faith-filled stories, with a few questions and a prayer following each one, enabling the moral of each story to sink into the minds of your little ones. The stories are only a page long so tired mothers, who still want to give that “tucking in” time a special touch, or pause a brief moment during their busy day to gather her children around her, can feel good about bringing the realities of our faith to the minds of her children in a childlike, (though not childish), way. There is a small poem and a picture at the end of each story. Your children will be straining their necks to see the sweet pictures! Through these small stories, parents will sow seeds of our Holy Catholic Faith that will enrich their families all the years to come!

This revised 1922 classic offers gentle guidance for preteen and teenage girls on how to become a godly woman. Full of charm and sentiment, it will help mother and daughter establish a comfortable rapport for discussions about building character, friendships, obedience, high ideals, a cheerful spirit, modest dress, a pure heart, and a consecrated life.

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How to Make and Keep Friends (Part Two) – Rev. George A. Kelly, The Catholic Youth’s Guide

04 Tuesday May 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Youth, Youth/Courtship

≈ 1 Comment

by Rev. George A. Kelly, The Catholic Youth’s Guide to Life and Love

Part One is here.

The Golden Rule

I mentioned that wanting to be liked is an innate human instinct. Human beings at all times and under all conditions throughout history have spent much thought trying to learn how to make and to keep friends.

In our own century, researchers by the hundreds have made all sorts of scientific investigations to learn the same thing. And here’s a striking fact. Today’s scientists come up with various answers phrased in different ways. But at the root of their findings is something which was discovered thousands of years ago. No matter how you say it, it all adds up to the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you expect them to do to you.

If you want to have a friend, be one. Give friendship and you’ll receive it. And that’s the whole secret.

Ruth, Edith and Ellen were friends. Two sometimes went places without a third, and there was a wonderful opportunity for the two to gossip about the absent one. But they were loyal to each other—they were true friends. Suppose they hadn’t followed this principle?

When Ruth and Ellen got together, they might have ripped Edith to shreds, finding fault with how she dressed and acted and with what she thought about various phases of life. But sooner or later, Ruth and Ellen would have suspected that if such conversations went on behind Edith’s back, why wouldn’t they go on behind their own?

In other words, the Golden Rule would have been suspended and one of the real bases of friendship—loyalty—wouldn’t exist. Only by giving their absent friend the same consideration they’d want for themselves could the girls insure that they, in turn, wouldn’t be talked about behind their backs.

Sympathetic understanding is another “must” for friendship. When something troubles them—a disagreement with their parents, some problems about growing up—your friends must feel that they could discuss it with you. You wouldn’t have to agree with their viewpoint necessarily, but you’d have to listen calmly and sympathetically. You wouldn’t ridicule them because of their feelings, and you certainly wouldn’t run around spreading the news told to you in confidence.

Again, the Golden Rule.

Wouldn’t you feel burned up if someone you thought was your friend ridiculed you after you confided in him? You want your friends to be reliable.

Say that you plan to go to a football game but suddenly find that you can’t get the admission charge. But your friend has a lot of money. You probably feel you have a right to try to borow some. Suppose you’re refused in the pinch? You’d probably write him off your list, because you’d have helped him if the tables were turned. But he’s not following the Golden Rule. Hence he’s not your friend.

Friendship also consists of many thoughtful little acts which come under the heading of good manners. They’re covered by the Golden Rule, too. Suppose vou agree to meet a classmate at a movie theater at two o’clock. You wait an hour and he doesn’t arrive. You phone him and he can’t give a good reason for standing you up. You probably decide that you’ll never make another appointment with him. You just can’t trust his word. Scratch him from your list. And if you want to keep your other friends, remember never to pull the same stunt.

Applying the Golden Rule isn’t hard: It’s safe to say that things that irritate or antagonize you would irritate or antagonize someone else if you did them.

On the other hand, kind and friendly acts that are done for you, you too can do for others. Just as you do, they’ll consider them as acts of friendship. The conclusion is obvious.

Make mental notes of actions by other boys and girls which you find annoying. Don’t do them. At the same time, note the courtesies, acts of kindness, and other actions done to please you. Do them to others.

By this simple procedure—by always doing for others what you’d have them do for you—you will find the key to lasting friendships with both boys and girls.

Four rules to help you make friends.

As I’ve mentioned, many studies have been made to determine what boys and girls like and dislike about each other. It shouldn’t be surprising that they all agree that the basic qualities of character that boys like in other boys are the same ones they like in girls. The qualities girls like in other girls are the ones they like in boys. Conclusion? Cultivate those qualities that you want in your friends, and you’ll have a personality that appeals to other boys and girls.

What are these qualities? You could compile the list yourself by considering what you’d like a friend to be.

Always try to be pleasant and cheerful. You’ve often heard the old saying, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.” Yes, you have problems sometimes that get you down. So does everyone. But they’re your problems. You don’t have to spread them to everybody who comes into contact with you.

Make sure that you cultivate your own sense of humor. Did you ever make a wise-crack you thought was pretty good, only to have it go right over your listener’s head? You probably thought your companion could use a sense of humor. After a few experiences, you’d probably want to run the next time you saw this person coming.

Don’t put on airs. Ever meet a snob? He wants everyone to know he’s something special—not one of the common people. He’s either richer or smarter or more of a man of the world than the rest of you, and he never misses a chance to tell you so. Of course, after a while, he doesn’t get many chances. Everybody avoids him like the plague.

Be natural. Maybe you do have talents above the average. Maybe you brilliantly planned it so that God would give you more brains or that your parents would have much more money. Be modest about it. (Boys especially seem to resent a girl who tries to appear overly bright. A high school newspaper once carried this line, “A brainy girl is always brainier than she seems because a brainy girl has more brains than to seem brainy.”)

Be well-mannered. Ever been embarrassed by a companion who was loud-mouthed when he should have been quiet; discourteous when he should have been polite; slovenly when he should have been neat? Most people want only a few experiences with a character like that. Then they look the other way when they see him coming.

You don’t have to memorize every rule of Emily Post’s, but you should know what conduct is suitable in what place. And if you don’t know, try to remain as inconspicuous as possible.

These rules are just examples of the Golden Rule in operation—doing to others what you’d like to have them do to you. Follow them, and you’ll develop cheerfulness, naturalness, and consideration for others, the qualities which top every survey made to determine what boys and girls like in their friends.

In addition to honesty, sincerity, and the other characteristics listed above, boys want something extra in girlfriends and girls want something extra in boys.

At this point, I hear a romantic-minded reader: “Three cheers for the extras!” These important extras can be summed up in two sentences. Boys are attracted to girls who are girls—who have the feminine qualities males expect in a woman. Girls want boys to be men—to possess qualities which are distinctly masculine in nature.

A boy considers a girl’s personality on the basis of what he knows about women. Naturally he admires his mother most of all. He has a definite preference for her qualities—her willingness to listen to his problems, her sympathy with his ambitions, her self-sacrificing and loving nature.

He doesn’t like the tomboy type. He doesn’t like the girl who wears harsh make-up, uses harsh language, or acts in other ways different from the young lady she should really be. Why? Because she’s not at all like his ideal of womanhood, his mother.

In the same way, girls draw their main ideas about men from the ones they’re in closest contact with—their fathers. And so girls want boys who are thorough, decisive—leaders. They want a man, not an imitation of one.

God meant men and women to be different in their natures. If He had intended them to be alike, He could have created just one sex and called it a day. Instead, He gave men the qualities to provide for the family unit. He gave women qualities to do well the job of bearing and educating children.

As a result, women generally are more idealistic, more romantic, more emotional. Men are more logical, more decisive.

When a boy seeks feminine qualities in a girl, therefore, he’s only doing what is natural. The girl who seeks masculine qualities in a boy makes the choice which nature intended.

So if you wonder what it takes to make and keep friends, always remember these major points: obey the Golden Rule; be yourself, and develop the qualities of the sex God made you.

🌺🌺Take time to smell the roses in this wonderful month of May, the month of Mary! Take a walk with your children, garden together, pick a bouquet, look at the stars…. Another spring is upon us, a time to enjoy God’s creation as it unfolds its beauty all around us! 🌸🌸Our Lady, Cause of our Joy, pray for us!

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How to Choose a Marriage Partner – Fr. Lovasik

12 Friday Mar 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Clean Love in Courtship - Fr. Lovasik, For the Guys - The Man for Her, Youth

≈ 1 Comment

Painting by Constantin Alajalov, Saturday Evening Post

Recently I posted a wonderful list by Father Daniel A. Lord on the qualities to look for in choosing a wife.

I am following up with this list that is not as extensive as Fr. Lord’s but very good for a woman to ponder as she keeps her eyes open for a good husband….and a man to think about to see if he needs to make some changes in his life.

From Father Lovasik:

The following questions will not only help you to fit yourself for leading a worthy and holy married life, but also enable you to choose a partner in marriage intelligently.
I. Friendship

Is your friendship morally beneficial? Are you morally better or worse for having been with him, and what can you expect in the future? Would marriage with him help you to observe God’s commandments and practice your religious duties faithfully?

2. Imagine a crisis in your life (poverty, sickness) that might demand a high quality of virtue to remain faithful to God. Would he be a help to the practice of such virtue?

3. Does he drink too much? Gamble?

4. Does he want to indulge in petting, passionate kissing, even at the expense of chastity?

5. Does he control his temper? Has he a sense of humor? Can he keep a secret?

6. Does he practice his religion?

7. What are his views on divorce, on having children, on Catholic education, on frequenting the sacraments?

8. Can you actually point out any definite virtuous qualities, or are they put on for your benefit now?

II.Agreement

Is there at least a reasonable degree of similarity between you in regard to the recreations you like?

2. Could you both enjoy staying at home in the evening, especially when children come?

3. Are there any habits now that not only get on your nerves but which you find extraordinarily difficult to overlook?

4. Do you both fit into about the same kind of social life?

5. Does he get along with your family and you with his?

6. Have you both sufficient health for marriage?

7. What are his habits of life: cleanliness, orderliness, good manners, good grammar?

8. Are you able to harmonize judgments on things that pertain to family life: food, kind of house, furnishings, etc.?

9. Have you the same religion and the same standards concerning its practice?

10. Have you the same attitude towards children and their education?

11. Do you feel at ease together, regardless of what you talk about? If you do not meet for some time, are you able to take up where you left off, with something of the naturalness of a family reunion, or do you have to try to work up an acquaintance all over again?

12. Has he a nagging or reforming disposition?

13. Do you see his failing, and are you willing to tolerate them? Does he admit them and is he willing to get over them?

14. With children in mind, would you say that this person would be just the right other parent for them?

III. Self – Sacrifice

1. Is your prospective companion thoughtful of others and has he the power of self-discipline?

2. In his home does he show thoughtfulness of parents and brothers and sisters, and do you get the impression that this is his regular attitude?

3. What little kindnesses, not only to you but to others, have you noticed in him?

4. When he is wrong, does he admit it and try to make up for it?

5. Does he easily and graciously pass over others’ mistakes?

6. Does he look for sympathy too much?

7. Can he give sympathy willingly, or does someone else’s trouble always bring out a greater trouble of his?

8. Does he show that he knows his temper, and that jealousy and other unpleasant traits ought to be controlled?

From Holy Matrimony: Choosing a Partner:

Signs of emotional immaturity:

1. Gloominess over little failures.
2. Pessimism over slight difficulties.
3. Complete panic when frightened or in an emergency.
4. Throwing or breaking things when angry or crossed.
5. Tears when thwarted, disappointed or upset.
6. Selfishness, aggressiveness, rebelliousness, stubbornness.
7. Needless and prolonged worry over trifles.
8. Morbid fears, strong hates, and unreasonable prejudices.

from Father Kelly:

“Is it a husband you want: How does he like children? Does he like to work? Can he hold a job? Has he a sense of responsibility? Is he “grown up,” or does he have to be pampered? Too jealous? A braggart? An alibi-artist? Is he courteous?”

“At his home (each should know the other’s family) does he show thoughtfulness of parents and brothers and sisters and do you get the general impression that this is the regular thing?

What little kindnesses, not only to you but to others, have you noticed in him? When he is wrong does he admit it, and try to make up for it? Does he easily and graciously pass over others’ mistakes? Does he look for sympathy too much?

Can he give sympathy willingly, or does someone else’s trouble always bring out a greater trouble of his? Is he emotionally grown up; at least does he show that he knows his temper and jealousy and such things ought to be controlled?”

“Pride must have no place in wedded life. There must never be any calculation as to whose place it is to make the apology or to yield first to the other. True love seeks not its own; it delights in being foremost in forgiving and yielding. There is no lesson that husbands and wives need more to learn, than instantly and always to seek forgiveness of each other whenever they are conscious of having in any way caused pain or committed a wrong. The pride which will never say, ‘I did wrong; forgive me,’ is not ready for wedded life!” -J.R. Miller

Who are you going to love? Things? or God? When is enough, enough? Sermon on having too much stuff & what to do about it.

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Check out my Spring Maglet (magazine/booklet) at Meadows of Grace. Tidbits about Lent, Easter and just bunches of inspiration and encouragement!

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The book is filled with wonderful advice on how to live a happy life…

Here is a complete guide to mature, responsible, even noble behavior in our complex modern society. Written in the 1930s by a wise Jesuit priest and steeped in the wisdom of the ages, these pages teach the timeless principles that have led countless souls to true success and lasting happiness….

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Finer Femininity

~ Joyful, Feminine, Catholic

Category Archives: Youth/Courtship

Immodest Conversation/Dangerous Reading

Romantic Love…A Subtle Thing

“Don’ts” on Dates/Teenage Dating – Fr. Lovasik

Mixed Marriages/A Trinity of Love – Clean Love in Courtship, Fr. Lovasik

Occasions of Sin – Clean Love in Courtship, Fr. Lovasik

Dating Non-Catholics by Rev. George Kelly (Part Two)

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Dating Non-Catholics by Rev. George Kelly (Part One)

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Beautiful Blessed Mother Wire Wrapped Rosary! Lovely, Durable. Each link is handmade and wrapped around itself to ensure quality. Available here.

The Rejected Suitor

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How to Make and Keep Friends (Part Two) – Rev. George A. Kelly, The Catholic Youth’s Guide

Penal Rosaries!

How to Choose a Marriage Partner – Fr. Lovasik