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Category Archives: Alice Von Hildebrand

From Paganism to Modern Values: Denigration of Woman ~ Alice von Hildebrand

08 Friday Jul 2022

Posted by Leanevdp in Alice Von Hildebrand, Femininity vs Feminist

≈ 3 Comments

Painting by Gregory Frank Harris

by Alice von Hildebrand, The Privilege of Being a Woman

From Paganism to Modern Values: Denigration of Woman

The world in which we now live is a world whose outlook is so distorted that we absolutize what is relative (money-making, power, success) and relativize what is absolute (truth, moral values, and God).

Power, riches, fame, success, and dominance are idolized; humility, chastity, modesty, self-sacrifice, and service are looked down upon as signs of weakness.

This last sentence, Nietzsche’s philosophy in a nutshell — the glorification of strength and the denigration of weakness — has become the shallow core of modern thought and feminist belief.

The gravity of their offense was such that it was impossible for our first parents to recover the priceless gift of supernatural life. God alone could do so and, in His infinite mercy and goodness, He chose to send us His only Son to effect our redemption by His death at Calvary.

As every sin brings with it its own punishment, is it surprising that today we have become so morally blind (for wickedness blinds) that we save baby whales at great cost, and murder millions of unborn children?

Man’s conscience has been so darkened by his repeated infidelities toward God that these outrageous murders are no longer registered as being crimes that cry to heaven. Baby murderers go to bed with a good conscience and the satisfaction of having been “efficient.”

Bernard Nathanson, in his gripping work The Hand of God, relates that after having performed an abortion he had the pleasant feeling of having completed a work well done and of having “liberated” pregnant women from a burden hateful to them. Babies are cheap to make. Baby whales are more costly.

Our first parents’ minds were darkened by sin, their wills were weakened, their judgment became distorted. The hierarchy of values being upset, male accomplishments became overvalued. Physical strength became glorified and weakness was looked down upon as a proof of inferiority.

This is written in the book of Wisdom, referring to the language of the ungodly: “but let our might be our law of right, for what is weak proves itself to be useless.”

Homer’s Iliad illustrates this. The Greek heroes are strong, healthy, victorious. Those who are conquered and defeated deserve to become slaves; they are plainly inferior. It is noteworthy that the greatest cultures have often been defeated by primitive tribes that had little or no culture, but plenty of physical daring and stamina.

Hand in hand with the overestimation of strength and virility goes an overestimation of accomplishments, feats, performances, success.

In our society to be a “self-made man” calls for awe. A Bill Gates, an Oprah Winfrey, or even a Bill Clinton inspire people with a totally illegitimate feeling of admiration. But success does not guarantee authentic greatness. Many scoundrels have been incredibly successful, too successful for their own good.

Original sin blinds us to the fact that all these feats, often aided by ruthlessness, craftiness, or even plain luck, have no value in the light of eternity. We should always raise the question: Quid est hoc ad aeternitatem? (What is this in light of eternity?). In fact, it is only dust and ashes.

No one enters the gates of heaven because he is a millionaire; no one is worthy to see God because he is “famous.” Indeed, worldly “wisdom” is sheer foolishness.

This has been seen by Socrates, and emphatically repeated by Saint Paul, “for the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.”

Against the background of the supernatural, the inanity of human praise becomes evident.

A further consequence of this broken equilibrium is that we tend to overrate “creativity.” To be successful in our contemporary world, one must be “inventive.” Creativity does have a positive ring, but the crucial question is not whether a person is “creative,” but rather “what does he create?”

To praise an innovative type of architecture without asking whether or not it is beautiful is inane. To honor someone because of the number of books and articles he has published without investigating whether or not they are true is once again to be off-track.

The lopsided view which today has gained currency inevitably leads feminists to overrate “creativity,” “novelty,” and “fashion,” changes sought for their own sake; these tickle people’s curiosity and draw them into the vortex of total metaphysical instability.

It is another way of drawing attention away from “eternal truths” and unchanging values.

The spirit of the time teaches us that today everything depends upon what is “in the air,” what people want. In this spiritual climate, tradition is doomed. The past is looked down upon as “dead, ” as having nothing to give to “modern man.”

As women are weaker than men, and as they do not bask in the limelight as much as men do, as they are less “creative” than the strong sex, they are bound to be the victims of this distorted hierarchy of values.

That women have been victimized by this distortion of the hierarchy of values is deplorable and sad indeed; but that feminists have endorsed this inversion is still more pitiful.

Imprisoned in the spiritual jail of secular categories, they fail to understand that their true mission is to swim against the tide and, with God’s grace, help restore the proper hierarchy of values.

By living up to their calling, women will succeed in guaranteeing a proper recognition of the unique value of femininity and its crucial mission in the world.

“And you, too, must stand by your convictions at the cost of things you love. An ideal is worth little if it is not worth wholehearted, honest effort. Nothing is more pitiful than a woman whose mind admires purity and right, yet whose will is too weak to choose them and whose life is blighted by sin and mire about her. Be true, be noble, aim high, and God will give you strength to keep your ideals.” – Mabel Hale, Beautiful Girlhood

Through the years our children would sometimes ask (because they knew we struggled) if we were poor? Their Dad would grin (largely) and say, “I am the wealthiest man around, look at what I have….Beautiful children, happy times, the Catholic Faith!” Their hearts would be at ease once again, knowing that, yes, wealth is not about material things…

Package Special! The Catholic Young Lady’s Maglet & The Catholic Young Lady’s Journal! Two books to inspire and encourage the young Catholic lady on her journey to her vocation…Available here.



This is a unique book of Catholic devotions for young children. There is nothing routine and formal about these stories. They are interesting, full of warmth and dipped right out of life. These anecdotes will help children know about God, as each one unfolds a truth about the saints, the Church, the virtues, etc. These are short faith-filled stories, with a few questions and a prayer following each one, enabling the moral of each story to sink into the minds of your little ones. The stories are only a page long so tired mothers, who still want to give that “tucking in” time a special touch, or pause a brief moment during their busy day to gather her children around her, can feel good about bringing the realities of our faith to the minds of her children in a childlike, (though not childish), way. There is a small poem and a picture at the end of each story. Your children will be straining their necks to see the sweet pictures! Through these small stories, parents will sow seeds of our Holy Catholic Faith that will enrich their families all the years to come!

This revised 1922 classic offers gentle guidance for preteen and teenage girls on how to become a godly woman. Full of charm and sentiment, it will help mother and daughter establish a comfortable rapport for discussions about building character, friendships, obedience, high ideals, a cheerful spirit, modest dress, a pure heart, and a consecrated life.

This post contains affiliate links. Thank you for your support.

The Little Things – Alice Von Hildebrand & A Christmas Giveaway!

10 Friday Dec 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Advent/Christmas, Alice Von Hildebrand, Give-Aways, Loving Wife, Marriage

≈ 60 Comments

– by Dr. Alice Von Hildebrand

By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride

Dear Julie,

I’m grateful for your frankness. It makes my duties as your godmother easier to fulfill.

You say that although the analogy of the stained-glass windows is very moving, nonetheless true lovers are concerned with “great things, beautiful things” and should not let themselves be troubled by small things.

Roy wouldn’t agree.

He and my friend Evelyn have been married thirty-five years. She’s sloppy and he’s meticulous. During their honeymoon, Roy noticed that she always left the toothpaste tube open. He asked Evelyn to put the cap on, but she laughed at him, claiming he had the habits of an old maid.

Time and again, Roy has asked her to change. Nothing doing! After thirty-five years, the cap still remains off and Roy has resigned himself to it.

Compare this to my own husband’s attitude. Early in our marriage, I noticed he would always leave the soap swimming in a small pool of water. It would slowly disintegrate into an unattractive, slimy goo – something I found unappealing. I drew it to his attention.

From that day on, he made a point of drying the soap after each use – to such an extent that I couldn’t tell from the “soap testimony” whether he had washed himself or not. (Moreover – and this is typical of him – he too developed a strong dislike for sticky soap.)

I was so moved by this, that to this day I feel a wave of loving gratitude for this small but significant gesture of love.

My husband was a great lover. And because he was one, he managed to relate the smallest things to love and was willing to change to please his beloved in all legitimate things. This characteristic is typical of great love.

I’m sure that as your love grows deeper, you, too, will come to see how the greater the love, the more it permeates even the smallest aspects of life.

With love,

LilyA-great-love-between

“Every effort we make to forget self, to leave self behind us, and to devote ourselves to the labor of making every person with whom we are bound to live, happy, is rewarded by interior satisfaction and joy. The supreme effort of goodness is,—not alone to do good to others; that is its first and lower effect,—but to make others good.” Rev. Bernard O’Reilly The Mirror of True Womanhood, 1893 (afflink)

And now….

A Giveaway!

Today, I’d like to offer you a Christmas Giveaway!!

The winner will receive this lovely package of the Theresa’s 3 Christmas Soaps (Christmas Forest, Candy Cane, Frankincense and Myrrh) and a lovely handcrafted Christmas Necklace Set…

Just leave a comment here, and your name will be added! It is always great to hear from you. 🙂

I will announce the winner next Friday, December 17th!

Our attitude changes our life…it’s that simple. Our good attitude greatly affects those that we love, making our homes a more cheerier and peaceful dwelling! To have this control…to be able to turn around our attitude is a tremendous thing to think about!
This Gratitude Journal is here to help you focus on the good, the beautiful, the praiseworthy. “For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever modest, whatsoever just, whatsoever holy, whatsoever lovely, whatsoever of good fame, if there be any virtue, if any praise of discipline, think on these things.” (Philippians 4:8 – Douay Rheims).
Yes, we need to be thinking of these things throughout the day!
You will be disciplined, the next 30 days, to write positive, thankful thoughts down in this journal. You will be thinking about good memories, special moments, things and people you are grateful for, lovely and thought-provoking Catholic quotes, thoughts before bedtime, etc. Saying it, reading it, writing it, all helps to ingrain thankfulness into our hearts…and Our Lord so loves gratefulness! It makes us happier, too!

Available here.



 

There’s nothing complicated or magical about learning to be kinder; it just takes greater attention to the things that you do and how you do them. The Hidden Power of Kindness shows you how to become more aware of even your most offhand daily actions. You’ll find simple, step-by-step, and spiritually crucial directions for how to overcome the habitual unkindnesses that creep undetected into the behavior of even the most careful souls.

From the thousands of personal letters by St. Francis de Sales comes this short, practical guide that will develop in you the soul-nourishing habits that lead to sanctity.
This post contains affiliate links. Thank you for your support.

“I Just Can’t be Cheerful in the Morning.” ~ Alice von Hildebrand

21 Thursday Oct 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Alice Von Hildebrand, Marriage

≈ 1 Comment

From By Love Refined, Alice Von Hildebrand

“I just can’t be cheerful in the morning.”

Dear Julie,

The French author Balzac writes, “It’s easier to be a lover than a husband, because it’s easier to say witty things occasionally than to be witty every day.”

Balzac is highlighting the fact that an illicit relationship is limited to a short time, when you put on your most attractive face. But marriage is marriage, early in the morning and late at night.

This is one of the difficulties all spouses encounter in marriage: they’re together when they’re not at their best.

As you’ve discovered, sleeping together is a great and beautiful intimacy; but it also means you wake up together, which for most of us isn’t the best moment of the day.

We’re disheveled, groggy with sleep, not interested in talking, and usually rushing around to get ready for the day’s work.

Unless this potentially disillusioning aspect of the intimacy of marriage is counter-balanced by a deepening of your love and spiritual life – and a great measure of patience – it’s bound to cause difficulties that don’t crop up in a casual relationship.

There are ways to deal with these problems. If you’re not cheery in the morning, then talk with Michael about it – but do it later, when you’re brighter and more clearheaded.

Let him know you’re sorry and are trying to change, but aren’t having much success. Assure him that in the early morning he just isn’t encountering your true self and ask him to avoid discussions at these times, because they’re bound to end badly. (Hasn’t Michael asked you to do the same for him when he comes home from work tired and grumpy?)

Yes, Balzac is right: it is easier to be a lover than a spouse, because it’s easier to be at your best occasionally than to be at your best all the time.

But our concern isn’t with what is easier; our concern is with what is more beautiful: a relationship based on the feelings of the moment or a deep enduring love, sealed by marriage, in which the spouses love each other in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, until they’re parted by death.

Marriage is the beautiful mystery of faithful love – a theme so profound and so fascinating that it unleashes in me a torrent of thoughts which I long to share with you.

Your marriage will be blessed because you and Michael see many of the dangers and you’re working to avoid them with your love.

Please give my fondest greetings to Michael,

Lily

We are called to be great Apostles of Love in our ordinary, daily life. We are Christ’s Hands and Feet as we wipe noses, feed hungry little ones and change diapers with an attitude of service and love. When we are cheerful to those we rub shoulders with each day, when we kindly open our door to those who enter into our home, we are taking part in Christ’s Apostolic Work. “Jesus was an Apostle in the stable of Bethlehem, in the shop of St. Joseph, in His anguish in Gethsemane and on Calvary no less than when He was going through Palestine, teaching the multitudes or disputing with the doctors of the law.” – Divine Intimacy, Painting by Morgan Weistling http://amzn.to/2p0dxg8 (afflink)

Spiritual Reading on audio!

Free MP3 Downloads for you to enjoy… such titles as Introduction to a Devout Life, An Easy Way to Become a Saint, How to be Happy; How to be Holy, Counsels of Perfection for Christian Mothers, etc. Look for them here.

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Book suggestions…

Few realize that a person can pursue a truly supernatural vocation by consecrating himself or herself to perpetual celibacy while yet living in the world. Here Fr. Unger describes the main guidelines for such a religious vocation, showing the nature of this vocation and the manner of dedicating oneself to it. The author gives the history in the Church of consecrated celibate living, plus some basic helps in safeguarding purity in such a life. Based on the Pope Pius XII encyclical On Holy Virginity, this book shows that the consecrated life in the world is just one more example of the rich Tradition of the Church in providing for the needs of all her children. The Mystery of Love for the Single will bring much-needed encouragement and enlightenment to those generous souls who wish to pursue a supernatural vocation and yet remain single and celibate while living in the world.

In this ground-breaking book, Colleen Hammond challenges today’s fashions and provides you the information you need to protect yourself and your loved ones from the onslaught of tasteless, immodest clothing. Colleen Hammond shares real-life examples of how women can accentuate the grace and beauty of their femininity, and she shows that modest definitely does not mean frumpy !! DRESSING WITH DIGNITY covers it all . . . The history and forces behind the changes in fashion. How to talk to teenagers about the privilege of femininity so they will want to dress with dignity. How to awaken chivalry in men and be treated with respect. How to regain and teach the lost charm of interior and exterior femininity! How to dress in an attractive, dignified, classy manner! Specific documents about manners of dress from the Magisterium, the Popes and the Saints. Comprehensive guidelines for choosing tasteful attire. Resources on where to find beautiful, modest clothing. And much, much more!

This post contains affiliate links. Thank you for your support.

“Baseball Bores me and Michael Doesn’t Like Art.”

09 Monday Aug 2021

Posted by Leanevdp in Alice Von Hildebrand, Loving Wife

≈ 2 Comments

Alice Von Hildebrand, By Love Refined

Dear Julie,

That you found the idea of a spiritual treasure chest helpful makes me very happy, but I rejoice even more over your renewed readiness to sacrifice to perfect your love for Michael – even as you’re discovering how many sacrifices are called for in marriage.

Sometimes the possibilities for disagreement seem endless. Close as you are to each other, a cause of enjoyment for one of you may be boring or even unpleasant for the other. This is part of the deep drama of marriage: the constant call to “die to yourself” for the sake of your loved one.

You and I love Italian cuisine and, given a choice, we always prefer spaghetti all’italiana to hamburgers and french fries. Yet now you often cook American-style food just because Michael loves it. I know you take long walks with Michael when you’d prefer to stay home. I’m sure that to please you, he, too, often gives up a wish, such as going out with his male friends.

I’ve often found that when I adopt a loving attitude, I can discover in previously boring things the fascination that others find in them. You and Michael might try to learn from each other in this way so that you can come to share more interests.

When you fail, however, the only solution is sacrifice, which doesn’t at first seem appealing. Yet it’s strange how even seemingly trivial sacrifices can give unexpected joy and nurture love between two people. “God loves a cheerful giver,” says St. Paul, so when you do make a sacrifice like going to a baseball game with Michael (Is it such a sacrifice to be with the person you love most?), do it cheerfully so that no one will notice. Advertising sacrifices is a poor way to make them.

The sacrifices I’ve mentioned so far cause neither of you real harm. It doesn’t hurt you to watch baseball, just as it doesn’t hurt Michael to go to an art museum with you.

There are, however, situations in which one person enjoys something that actually causes harm to another. A case in point is smoking. Suppose Michael smoked, and you (like me) were allergic to smoke: his behavior would hurt you. In such a case, he should give up his pleasure to avoid hurting you, because that must take absolute precedence over any purely subjective enjoyment he might receive from smoking (which is, of course, hurting him, too -but I won’t speak of that now).

Sometimes sacrifices come from spouses being together; sometimes they come from spouses having to be apart. I know very happy marriages in which husbands go fishing while their wives stay home or visit friends.

I also know marriages in which the husband, because of his ardent love for his wife, doesn’t enjoy anything, if she isn’t present and would gladly renounce his favorite activities to be with her. You and Michael will have to use trial-and-error to find out how sacrifices can best serve love in your marriage.

You’ve already taken the most difficult step by realizing that every love calls for sacrifice. And I imagine you’ve discovered what a joy it is to sacrifice for the one you love!

I keep you in my prayers constantly,

Lily

A-great-love-between

 
“A desire to be beautiful is not unwomanly. A woman who is not beautiful cannot properly fill her place. But, mark you, true beauty is not of the face, but of the soul. There is a beauty so deep and lasting that it will shine out of the homeliest face and make it comely. This is the beauty to be first sought and admired. It is a quality of the mind and heart and is manifested in word and deed.” – Beautiful Girlhood, Mabel Hale http://amzn.to/2pOKmtj (afflink) Illustration by http://www.genevievegodboutillustration.com/
Coloring Pages for your children!
 

Blessed Mother Graceful Vintaj Religious Pendant and Earring Sets, Wire-Wrapped, Handcrafted

These graceful Vintaj necklaces can be worn every day as a reminder of your devotion to the Blessed Mother! Get it blessed and you can use it also as a sacramental.

Available here.

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A very valuable book for the guys plucked out of the past and reprinted. It was written in 1894 by Fr. Bernard O’Reilly and the words on the pages will stir the hearts of the men to rise to virtue and chivalry…. Beautifully and eloquently written!

A very beautiful book, worthy of our attention. In it, you will find many pearls of wisdom for a woman striving to be the heart of the home, an inspiration to all who cross her path. You will be inspired to reconsider the importance of your role of wife and mother! Written by Rev. Bernard O’Reilly in 1894, the treasures found within its pages ring true and remain timeless…

This post contains affiliate links. Thank you for your support.

“I Want a Dishwasher, He Wants a Stereo”

20 Tuesday Oct 2020

Posted by Leanevdp in Alice Von Hildebrand, Attitude, Loving Wife

≈ 3 Comments

From By Love Refined, Alice Von Hildebrand

Dear Julie,
To tell the truth, I’d been expecting this for and I’m surprised it wasn’t a problem before now.

Have you heard about the greedy king who died of starvation because he owned huge amounts of gold, but had no food at all?

There seems to be some mystique about money, which goes much deeper than its role as a means for acquiring other things.

Is it because money means security (or gives the illusion of security)? Is it because it opens the door to all sorts of enjoyments? Is it because it gives power?

Whatever the cause of the compelling attraction of money, your argument about it with Michael is typical. You want to use your income tax refund to make work at home easier by purchasing a dishwasher and a new toaster. Michael favors spending it on a stereo, elegant restaurants, and expensive wines.

“After all,” he says, ”We have a right to enjoy the fruits of our hard work.”

That you and Michael should have different wishes is absolutely normal. I’m convinced that men are usually more pleasure-seeking than women (though when women are addicted to pleasure, they often beat men at game).

And I think that because of their sense for concrete, women are likely to be more concerned about things that last.

As Chesterton jokingly observed, “A duchess may ruin a duke for a diamond necklace; but there is the necklace. A coster may ruin his wife for a pot of beer; and where is the beer?”

Regardless of which categories you and Michael fall into the question for you both is, “Who is going to win ?” In this particular case, you could try to appeal to Michael’s chivalry and explain to him that because of your busy schedules, a dishwasher (unpoetic as it is) should be given priority, even though it doesn’t deserve to be compared to a stereo which can give keen artistic enjoyment. This approach accomplishes two things: It acknowledges the legitimacy of Michael’s wish (which will please him) and hopefully it will convince him to purchase the dishwasher (which would be very helpful to you).

In this case, adequate reasons can be give to resove the dispute in favor of the dishwasher.
But other cases arise in which the reasons on both sides are equally strong. These disagreements are harder to resolve, since each of you will think that his case should carry the day.

To ensure that such disputes don’t get out of hand, you and Michael might try now to establish ground rules for resolving future disputes.

One of the key rules, I’ve found, is that discussions shouldn’t take place at the wrong moment – when one of you is tired, pressured, or rushed.

It’s important to choose a favorable time, when you both are in a loving, recollected mood. Then peacefully discuss the pros and cons of your differing views, seriously trying to understand each other.

Don’t begin like two duelers whose only aim is to win. I think you’ll be surprised at how quickly disagreements will be resolved if you wait to discuss them in this way in favorable circumstances.

In many cases you may both be able to compromise or one of you may give in with the understanding that the next time, the other will give in. Especially when the arguments on each side are equally weighty and there is no easy way to resolve the issue based on the evidence alone, keep in mind that the person who gives in out of love is always the greater one.

This sounds paradoxical, for the winner is usually considered the stronger.

But there are two ways of losing. One is out of weakness: the other person has a more powerful will and forces you to yield. The other type of “losing” is in fact a tremendous victory.

Think of the mother who gives her child the better portion of food because she loves him! Imagine the husband or wife who gives in, not out of weakness, but out of love.

This spouse is by far the stronger one, for he’s achieved the most difficult of all victories: conquering his own self-will.

He who truly loves, desires to do good to his beloved. He who wants to “pull the whole blanket to his side” and has very little concern about the other person, is a sorry lover.

This will sometimes mean denying yourself for the sake of a greater good.

As Cardinal Newman once wrote, “No two persons perhaps are to be found, however intimate, however congenial in tastes and judgments, however eager to have one heart and one soul, but must deny themselves…much which they like or dislike, if they’re to live together happily.”

Money and most of the other things you may fight about are very insignificant things compared to love. Isn’t it a form of madness to endanger the precious gift of marriage over such secondary disagreements?

I’m sure that by now you and your dear Michael have reached a loving solution and have discovered that yielding can be a mark of great strength and that more importantly, yielding is often an act of love.

With all my prayers for you and Michael as the holy feast of Easter approaches, I am,

Affectionately yours,
Lily

There will be loveliness, too, in the home where true love causes order and comfort to reign. For the poorest room can be made lovely by a woman’s cunning hand. She can have flowers at her window, and flowers on her mantel and her table. And the curtains of windows and beds may be beautified by some simple ornament devised by a woman’s taste and executed in spare moments by the hand of even the busiest. -Fr. Bernard O’reilly,The Mirror of True Womanhood http://amzn.to/2t7GyVt (afflink)

These graceful Vintaj necklaces can be worn every day as a reminder of your devotion to the Blessed Mother or your favorite saint. Get it blessed and you can use it also as a sacramental.
Each link of the Vintaj wire is hand-made and wrapped around itself to ensure durability.

Available here.

Why do we wear our best clothes on Sunday? What was the Holy Ghost Hole in medieval churches? How did a Belgian nun originate the Feast of the Blessed Sacrament? Where did the Halloween mask and the jack-o’-lantern come from?

Learn the answer to these questions, as well as the history behind our traditional celebration of Thanksgiving, in this gem of a book by Father Weiser.

Celebrate the Faith with your kids all year round!

For over half a century, Catholic families have treasured the practical piety and homespun wisdom of Mary Reed Newland’s classic of domestic spirituality, The Year and Our Children. With this new edition, no longer will you have to search for worn, dusty copies to enjoy Newland’s faithful insights, gentle lessons, and delightful stories. They’re all here, and ready to be shared with your family or homeschooling group. Here, too, you ll find all the prayers, crafts, family activities, litanies, and recipes that will help make your children ever-mindful of the beautiful rhythm of the Church calendar.This post contains affiliate links. Thank you for your support.

The Little Things – Alice Von Hildebrand

15 Monday Jul 2019

Posted by Leanevdp in Alice Von Hildebrand, Loving Wife, Marriage

≈ 6 Comments

– by Dr. Alice Von Hildebrand

By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride

Dear Julie,

I’m grateful for your frankness. It makes my duties as your godmother easier to fulfill.

You say that although the analogy of the stained-glass windows is very moving, nonetheless true lovers are concerned with “great things, beautiful things” and should not let themselves be troubled by small things.

Roy wouldn’t agree.

He and my friend Evelyn have been married thirty-five years. She’s sloppy and he’s meticulous. During their honeymoon, Roy noticed that she always left the toothpaste tube open. He asked Evelyn to put the cap on, but she laughed at him, claiming he had the habits of an old maid.

Time and again, Roy has asked her to change. Nothing doing! After thirty-five years, the cap still remains off and Roy has resigned himself to it.

Compare this to my own husband’s attitude. Early in our marriage, I noticed he would always leave the soap swimming in a small pool of water. It would slowly disintegrate into an unattractive, slimy goo – something I found unappealing. I drew it to his attention.

From that day on, he made a point of drying the soap after each use – to such an extent that I couldn’t tell from the “soap testimony” whether he had washed himself or not. (Moreover – and this is typical of him – he too developed a strong dislike for sticky soap.)

I was so moved by this, that to this day I feel a wave of loving gratitude for this small but significant gesture of love.

My husband was a great lover. And because he was one, he managed to relate the smallest things to love and was willing to change to please his beloved in all legitimate things. This characteristic is typical of great love.

I’m sure that as your love grows deeper, you, too, will come to see how the greater the love, the more it permeates even the smallest aspects of life.

With love,

LilyA-great-love-between

“Every effort we make to forget self, to leave self behind us, and to devote ourselves to the labor of making every person with whom we are bound to live, happy, is rewarded by interior satisfaction and joy. The supreme effort of goodness is,—not alone to do good to others; that is its first and lower effect,—but to make others good.” Rev. Bernard O’Reilly The Mirror of True Womanhood, 1893 (afflink)

Our attitude changes our life…it’s that simple. Our good attitude greatly affects those that we love, making our homes a more cheerier and peaceful dwelling! To have this control…to be able to turn around our attitude is a tremendous thing to think about!
This Gratitude Journal is here to help you focus on the good, the beautiful, the praiseworthy. “For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever modest, whatsoever just, whatsoever holy, whatsoever lovely, whatsoever of good fame, if there be any virtue, if any praise of discipline, think on these things.” (Philippians 4:8 – Douay Rheims).
Yes, we need to be thinking of these things throughout the day!
You will be disciplined, the next 30 days, to write positive, thankful thoughts down in this journal. You will be thinking about good memories, special moments, things and people you are grateful for, lovely and thought-provoking Catholic quotes, thoughts before bedtime, etc. Saying it, reading it, writing it, all helps to ingrain thankfulness into our hearts…and Our Lord so loves gratefulness! It makes us happier, too!

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From the thousands of personal letters by St. Francis de Sales comes this short, practical guide that will develop in you the soul-nourishing habits that lead to sanctity.
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“I Want a Dishwasher, He Wants a Stereo”

10 Wednesday Oct 2018

Posted by Leanevdp in Alice Von Hildebrand, Attitude, Loving Wife

≈ 1 Comment

From By Love Refined, Alice Von Hildebrand

Dear Julie,
To tell the truth, I’d been expecting this for and I’m surprised it wasn’t a problem before now.

Have you heard about the greedy king who died of starvation because he owned huge amounts of gold, but had no food at all?

There seems to be some mystique about money, which goes much deeper than its role as a means for acquiring other things.

Is it because money means security (or gives the illusion of security)? Is it because it opens the door to all sorts of enjoyments? Is it because it gives power?

Whatever the cause of the compelling attraction of money, your argument about it with Michael is typical. You want to use your income tax refund to make work at home easier by purchasing a dishwasher and a new toaster. Michael favors spending it on a stereo, elegant restaurants, and expensive wines.

“After all,” he says, ”We have a right to enjoy the fruits of our hard work.”

That you and Michael should have different wishes is absolutely normal. I’m convinced that men are usually more pleasure-seeking than women (though when women are addicted to pleasure, they often beat men at game).

And I think that because of their sense for concrete, women are likely to be more concerned about things that last.

As Chesterton jokingly observed, “A duchess may ruin a duke for a diamond necklace; but there is the necklace. A coster may ruin his wife for a pot of beer; and where is the beer?”

Regardless of which categories you and Michael fall into the question for you both is, “Who is going to win ?” In this particular case, you could try to appeal to Michael’s chivalry and explain to him that because of your busy schedules, a dishwasher (unpoetic as it is) should be given priority, even though it doesn’t deserve to be compared to a stereo which can give keen artistic enjoyment. This approach accomplishes two things: It acknowledges the legitimacy of Michael’s wish (which will please him) and hopefully it will convince him to purchase the dishwasher (which would be very helpful to you).

In this case, adequate reasons can be give to resove the dispute in favor of the dishwasher.
But other cases arise in which the reasons on both sides are equally strong. These disagreements are harder to resolve, since each of you will think that his case should carry the day.

To ensure that such disputes don’t get out of hand, you and Michael might try now to establish ground rules for resolving future disputes.

One of the key rules, I’ve found, is that discussions shouldn’t take place at the wrong moment – when one of you is tired, pressured, or rushed.

It’s important to choose a favorable time, when you both are in a loving, recollected mood. Then peacefully discuss the pros and cons of your differing views, seriously trying to understand each other.

Don’t begin like two duelers whose only aim is to win. I think you’ll be surprised at how quickly disagreements will be resolved if you wait to discuss them in this way in favorable circumstances.

In many cases you may both be able to compromise or one of you may give in with the understanding that the next time, the other will give in. Especially when the arguments on each side are equally weighty and there is no easy way to resolve the issue based on the evidence alone, keep in mind that the person who gives in out of love is always the greater one.

This sounds paradoxical, for the winner is usually considered the stronger.

But there are two ways of losing. One is out of weakness: the other person has a more powerful will and forces you to yield. The other type of “losing” is in fact a tremendous victory.

Think of the mother who gives her child the better portion of food because she loves him! Imagine the husband or wife who gives in, not out of weakness, but out of love.

This spouse is by far the stronger one, for he’s achieved the most difficult of all victories: conquering his own self-will.

He who truly loves, desires to do good to his beloved. He who wants to “pull the whole blanket to his side” and has very little concern about the other person, is a sorry lover.

This will sometimes mean denying yourself for the sake of a greater good.

As Cardinal Newman once wrote, “No two persons perhaps are to be found, however intimate, however congenial in tastes and judgments, however eager to have one heart and one soul, but must deny themselves…much which they like or dislike, if they’re to live together happily.”

Money and most of the other things you may fight about are very insignificant things compared to love. Isn’t it a form of madness to endanger the precious gift of marriage over such secondary disagreements?

I’m sure that by now you and your dear Michael have reached a loving solution and have discovered that yielding can be a mark of great strength and that more importantly, yielding is often an act of love.

With all my prayers for you and Michael as the holy feast of Easter approaches, I am,

Affectionately yours,
Lily

There will be loveliness, too, in the home where true love causes order and comfort to reign. For the poorest room can be made lovely by a woman’s cunning hand. She can have flowers at her window, and flowers on her mantel and her table. And the curtains of windows and beds may be beautified by some simple ornament devised by a woman’s taste and executed in spare moments by the hand of even the busiest. -Fr. Bernard O’reilly,The Mirror of True Womanhood http://amzn.to/2t7GyVt (afflink)

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“Baseball Bores me and Michael Doesn’t Like Art.”

11 Friday Aug 2017

Posted by Leanevdp in Alice Von Hildebrand, Loving Wife

≈ 2 Comments

Alice Von Hildebrand, By Love Refined

tumblr_ntnrfzMj981r9qhhio1_1280Dear Julie,

That you found the idea of a spiritual treasure chest helpful makes me very happy, but I rejoice even more over your renewed readiness to sacrifice to perfect your love for Michael – even as you’re discovering how many sacrifices are called for in marriage.

Sometimes the possibilities for disagreement seem endless. Close as you are to each other, a cause of enjoyment for one of you may be boring or even unpleasant for the other. This is part of the deep drama of marriage: the constant call to “die to yourself” for the sake of your loved one.

You and I love Italian cuisine and, given a choice, we always prefer spaghetti all’italiana to hamburgers and french fries. Yet now you often cook American-style food just because Michael loves it. I know you take long walks with Michael when you’d prefer to stay home. I’m sure that to please you, he, too, often gives up a wish, such as going out with his male friends.

I’ve often found that when I adopt a loving attitude, I can discover in previously boring things the fascination that others find in them. You and Michael might try to learn from each other in this way so that you can come to share more interests.

When you fail, however, the only solution is sacrifice, which doesn’t at first seem appealing. Yet it’s strange how even seemingly trivial sacrifices can give unexpected joy and nurture love between two people. “God loves a cheerful giver,” says St. Paul, so when you do make a sacrifice like going to a baseball game with Michael (Is it such a sacrifice to be with the person you love most?), do it cheerfully so that no one will notice. Advertising sacrifices is a poor way to make them.

The sacrifices I’ve mentioned so far cause neither of you real harm. It doesn’t hurt you to watch baseball, just as it doesn’t hurt Michael to go to an art museum with you. There are, however, situations in which one person enjoys something that actually causes harm to another. A case in point is smoking. Suppose Michael smoked, and you (like me) were allergic to smoke: his behavior would hurt you. In such a case, he should give up his pleasure to avoid hurting you, because that must take absolute precedence over any purely subjective enjoyment he might receive from smoking (which is, of course, hurting him, too -but I won’t speak of that now).

Sometimes sacrifices come from spouses being together; sometimes they come from spouses having to be apart. I know very happy marriages in which husbands go fishing while their wives stay home or visit friends. I also know marriages in which the husband, because of his ardent love for his wife, doesn’t enjoy anything, if she isn’t present and would gladly renounce his favorite activities to be with her. You and Michael will have to use trial-and-error to find out how sacrifices can best serve love in your marriage.

You’ve already taken the most difficult step by realizing that every love calls for sacrifice. And I imagine you’ve discovered what a joy it is to sacrifice for the one you love!

I keep you in my prayers constantly,

Lily

A-great-love-between

 
“A desire to be beautiful is not unwomanly. A woman who is not beautiful cannot properly fill her place. But, mark you, true beauty is not of the face, but of the soul. There is a beauty so deep and lasting that it will shine out of the homeliest face and make it comely. This is the beauty to be first sought and admired. It is a quality of the mind and heart and is manifested in word and deed.” – Beautiful Girlhood, Mabel Hale http://amzn.to/2pOKmtj (afflink) Illustration by http://www.genevievegodboutillustration.com/
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“Baseball Bores me and Michael Doesn’t Like Art.”

10 Thursday Sep 2015

Posted by Leanevdp in Alice Von Hildebrand, Loving Wife

≈ 1 Comment

Alice Von Hildebrand, By Love Refined

tumblr_ntnrfzMj981r9qhhio1_1280Dear Julie,

That you found the idea of a spiritual treasure chest helpful makes me very happy, but I rejoice even more over your renewed readiness to sacrifice to perfect your love for Michael – even as you’re discovering how many sacrifices are called for in marriage.

Sometimes the possibilities for disagreement seem endless. Close as you are to each other, a cause of enjoyment for one of you may be boring or even unpleasant for the other. This is part of the deep drama of marriage: the constant call to “die to yourself” for the sake of your loved one.

You and I love Italian cuisine and, given a choice, we always prefer spaghetti all’italiana to hamburgers and french fries. Yet now you often cook American-style food just because Michael loves it. I know you take long walks with Michael when you’d prefer to stay home. I’m sure that to please you, he, too, often gives up a wish, such as going out with his male friends.

I’ve often found that when I adopt a loving attitude, I can discover in previously boring things the fascination that others find in them. You and Michael might try to learn from each other in this way so that you can come to share more interests.

When you fail, however, the only solution is sacrifice, which doesn’t at first seem appealing. Yet it’s strange how even seemingly trivial sacrifices can give unexpected joy and nurture love between two people. “God loves a cheerful giver,” says St. Paul, so when you do make a sacrifice like going to a baseball game with Michael (Is it such a sacrifice to be with the person you love most?), do it cheerfully so that no one will notice. Advertising sacrifices is a poor way to make them.

The sacrifices I’ve mentioned so far cause neither of you real harm. It doesn’t hurt you to watch baseball, just as it doesn’t hurt Michael to go to an art museum with you. There are, however, situations in which one person enjoys something that actually causes harm to another. A case in point is smoking. Suppose Michael smoked, and you (like me) were allergic to smoke: his behavior would hurt you. In such a case, he should give up his pleasure to avoid hurting you, because that must take absolute precedence over any purely subjective enjoyment he might receive from smoking (which is, of course, hurting him, too -but I won’t speak of that now).

Sometimes sacrifices come from spouses being together; sometimes they come from spouses having to be apart. I know very happy marriages in which husbands go fishing while their wives stay home or visit friends. I also know marriages in which the husband, because of his ardent love for his wife, doesn’t enjoy anything, if she isn’t present and would gladly renounce his favorite activities to be with her. You and Michael will have to use trial-and-error to find out how sacrifices can best serve love in your marriage.

You’ve already taken the most difficult step by realizing that every love calls for sacrifice. And I imagine you’ve discovered what a joy it is to sacrifice for the one you love!

I keep you in my prayers constantly,

Lily

A-great-love-between

Check out my new book here! 🙂

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“Why Do They Say ‘Love is Blind’?”

23 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by Leanevdp in Alice Von Hildebrand, Youth

≈ 2 Comments

by Alice von Hildebrand, By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride

04f1769a745fb9d23e776768b7471bb4Dear Julie,

Don’t allow yourself to be upset by the remarks you overheard at the Fourth of July picnic. It’s not surprising that your co-workers can’t understand why you fell in love with Michael.

Keep in mind that the person who sees is qualified to pass judgment on the thing he sees; but he who doesn’t see is by his own admission blind. You perceive Michael’s goodness and beauty; they don’t. Trust your sight, not their lack of sight.

They can only perceive neutral facts about Michael (such as how tall he is, the color of his eyes, how he laughs, and the kinds of activities he generally engages in). This information is available to everyone. But you can see more, including Michael’s nobility and goodness.

As I suggested in my last letter, even on a merely factual level your vision of Michael is more complete, for it includes things others can’t know just by looking at him. They must ask to gain this information: where and when he was born, whether he has brothers and sisters, what sort of persons his father and mother are. The closer someone gets to Michael, the more such information he’ll gather, but a friend has to be very close – and he must be trusted very deeply – before Michael will reveal his private life, his disillusionments, his joys and hopes, the wounds he’s received, his inner self.

Things such as these belong to the intimate sphere in Michael’s life, which includes much of his spiritual, psychological, and even physical being. Many things in these areas are so deeply personal that they call for veiling in front of strangers; they’re simply private by their nature and should be revealed only in an environment of love, where they’ll be treated with reverence and awe.

The closer we get to another person and the more we trust him, the more we desire to know about him, to penetrate his intimate self, and to have him know us in this way as well.

When you fell in love with Michael, you were granted a vision of his true self, the self which he usually hides from others, both because it is his secret and also because he doesn’t want to make himself vulnerable to persons who fail to approach him with reverence and love.

It’s right to hide oneself from an indiscreet and unloving gaze, but it’s also right to reveal oneself to a person whom we trust and love. This is happening between you and Michael. You now know him better than any other person because he has trusted you enough to reveal himself to you in ways that he’s revealed himself to no other human person.

This mutual self-donation is the ideal of marriage and the reason why your love for Michael isn’t blind, but is the opposite: it’s based on a deeper knowledge and a clearer vision of him than any other person has. Only those who love see; and those who see most clearly, love most deeply.

Your special vision of Michael allows you to love him profoundly. Trust this love and nurture it. It will bring you profound joy.

Affectionately yours,

Lily

A-great-love-between

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