Chaperones? 🤔~ Benedict Kaiser

We feel very blessed to have Benedict as part of our family. ☺️

For another post on chaperones, you can follow this link.

by Benedict Kaiser (Our Son-in-Law)

“We do chaperones for all of our courtships,” said my now mother-in-law. I didn’t realize at the time that the face I made when Leane said that gave away my opinion of chaperones. It wasn’t a very high opinion.

I had very little experience with chaperones in the past, and it seemed needlessly intrusive, and frankly, hurtful. I could understand chaperones for teenagers, who have a sea of raging hormones, but I was in my early thirties, and I was a respected and well known man at the parish. Shouldn’t I be trusted? It seemed needless, and silly. I can only thank God that I was open to the idea, despite my skepticism.

My mind quickly went to the most extreme ideas of chaperones. It was something like some fuddy-duddy five feet away from me and the woman I was about to discern spending the rest of my life with. He would be staring the whole time without so much as a blink, with his cane in hand and a scowl on his face!

I knew myself enough to know it would be hard enough to be open and vulnerable even in good circumstances. I knew how important it was to have that openness to build a healthy relationship. I thought adding some third wheel would make it all but impossible. These were the thoughts that raced through my mind.

The VanderPuttens were no extremists though, I puzzled. I had really come to know their family well, and I figured that if this is the way they do things, then I would give it a shot.

Hannah and I began our courtship, and I tried to have an open mind about chaperones. I figured if I stayed positive, it wouldn’t have to be so bad. Our mindset and attitude on the outset of any endeavor can greatly impact our experience of it. For my part, I wanted to be as open as possible to God’s Will.

Our chaperones were varied. We would have one of her sisters one day, and on another it would be a couple of nieces. It often was more than one person, and in some cases it was just a mutual friend. I still remember our friend, James, saying to me with a grin, “I’ll be your chaperone.” Most of the time, though, we were in settings with lots of people, and we just made sure we were around people.

I was expecting it to make opening up to Hannah very difficult. Finding the right time to talk about certain topics can seem difficult enough as it is. I was definitely concerned that difficult topics would just be avoided instead of addressed. I was also concerned that the conversation would stay superficial. My experience had always shown that the more people in the room, usually the number of meaningful topics decreases.

I am happy to say that my concerns were unfounded. It didn’t take very long for me to see much of what I had been concerned about wasn’t going to be a problem. I never felt as though anyone was eavesdropping on us, and Hannah and I were able to open up to each other quickly.

I still remember walking the yard at my now sister-in-law’s place talking about all sorts of experiences, and growing a more deep connection with my beloved. We didn’t even realize it got dark as we paced the yard. The conversations could be lighthearted, but also very serious in the company we were in, which was very helpful for everyone involved, and for Hannah’s and my relationship.

One of the benefits of chaperones that I didn’t realize before we began courting was how it was going to help my relationship with her family. Usually our chaperones were someone from her family, and when I look back at it all, I see how it really helped me foster good relationships with them all. Instead of pulling up in a car and taking Hannah away from her family to go off who knows where, and do who knows what, it meant a lot of the time spent with her was there at her house, and with her family. Those were some good times.

I still remember Hannah’s birthday while we were engaged. I took her, and her sister out to a restaurant. I remember the three of us having a grand time. Her sister only made it a more enjoyable event. I am sure it helped me have a better appreciation for them all, and now spending time with all of them is still my favorite thing to do. If I had spent all of my time alone with Hannah, I sure would have missed out.

Hannah and I really cherished our phone calls. We didn’t need any chaperones for those situations, and it was even easier to talk freely. I still remember talking for hours, and she lived only fifteen minutes away.

There were definitely times when having a chaperone was very inconvenient, and there were definitely points when we both were very ready to be done with it all. Doing the right thing is not always convenient, or exciting, and a courting couple will have the rest of their lives to be on their own if they do indeed marry. I am glad we stuck to the program, despite the times of frustration, and inconvenience.

Many dangers were avoided by chaperones. That is the most fundamental reason for chaperones. Whether you are nineteen, or thirty-five, a couple wants to be close, and when a man and a woman are in love, it is too easy for fallen human nature to take things for a bad turn.

We definitely tried to keep our hugs dignified and reasonable, but I do remember a time or two being told we should probably shorten them. That’s not an easy thing to hear in the moment, but I am grateful for people that were courageous enough to tell us what they thought needed to be said. Who knows how many other bad situations never even happened simply because we were in the presence of people.

I still remember the children watching us so closely, I think more because they thought their aunt falling in love and getting married was such a wonderful thing, rather than just out of duty. I do remember talking to Hannah about it and us agreeing that we wanted to be a good example for the next generation.

Past generations certainly remember chaperones. Somehow along the way we decided that they are antiquated and needless. I think they are needed as much, or perhaps even more, than they were for our parents and grandparents. Having a Catholic culture means passing on these good practices to the next generation. It means we truly have to live them ourselves and lead by example.

My wife and I await our first child in late December. We are excited to be parents, and a bit nervous of course too. We want to cooperate with God’s grace and raise children that will live with God forever in heaven. When the time comes for them to find a spouse, I am really glad that I will be able to say, “Well, Son, your mother and I had chaperones for our courtship, and we wouldn’t have traded it for the world”.

“Youth is at the same time the most beautiful and the most dangerous period of life; it can be the most blessed, or the most fatal of seasons. It is the time of poetry and romance, of dreams and visions, of aspirations and ambitions, of the noblest impulses and the grandest resolves. But it is also the season of inexperience and immaturity, of impulsiveness and impetuosity, of conceit, of hasty ideas, undigested plans and precipitate action. By one heroic decision a young person can lay the foundations of future greatness; and by one misstep a youth can start headlong and irresistibly to utter and irretrievable ruin.”-Rev. Fulgence G. Meyer, 1920’s

“Sacrifice means compromise. Maybe you’d always be willing to subjugate your own wishes because of your love, but your partner, in turn, should be willing to deny his (or her) wishes so that you can have your way. Thus the act of giving is shared, and the act of taking is shared too.” -Rev. George Kelly, 1950’s

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Clean Love in Courtship, Fr. Lovasik ~ Available here.

This booklet contains practical advice on the subjects of dating and choosing a spouse from the Catholic theological viewpoint. Father Lovasik points out clearly what one’s moral obligations are in this area, providing an invaluable aid to youthful readers. Additionally, he demonstrates that Catholic marriage is different from secular marriage and why it is important to choose a partner who is of the Catholic Faith if one would insure his or her personal happiness in marriage. With the rampant dangers to impurity today, with the lax moral standards of a large segment of our society, with divorce at epidemic levels, Clean Love in Courtship will be a welcome source of light and guidance to Catholics serious about their faith.

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