Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George Kelly, 1950’s
How to Disagree with Your Mate
Coming from different backgrounds, a husband and wife do not view all of life’s problems in the same way. They have different ideas on how money should be spent, how the household should be run, and on matters such as health habits, recreation, eating, sleeping, and many other daily activities.
No couple can reasonably hope to live together in a continuously serene atmosphere unbroken by disagreements. We all prefer to do things in certain ways, and these preferences—plus our weaknesses of character—make it certain that any two persons will have some differences.
However, there are no differences, no matter what their seriousness, that cannot be handled on a peaceful basis. Even if the problem is vitally important to both of you, it can be resolved in a calm, affectionate way, strengthening the bonds of your marriage.
On the other hand, if your approach involves bitterness and stubbornness, you may not only fail to solve your problems but even add deep, long-remembered wounds.
Mature husbands and wives disagree—they do not fight. There is a difference: the difference between a happy marriage and one filled with tension and bitterness. Discussions of disagreements are the friendly way to reconcile different backgrounds and experiences so that you can work together toward your common goal.
Fights, on the other hand, tear apart the unity of marriage; they are a way for each mate to gain his or her own way without considering the other. They lead to name-calling, raking up the past, and a spirit of hostility.
One of the most important ways to ensure married happiness is to learn the art of disagreeing in a friendly way. This skill can be acquired by mastering nine principles.
1. Don’t Blow Up Trivial Differences
Dozens of minor irritations occur in daily life. Overlook them—don’t make an issue of them. Your wife may not have the toast ready with the eggs, your husband may leave his pajamas on the floor, or your wife may invite friends to dinner without much notice. These are trivial matters, yet in real marriages such incidents have sparked prolonged, hurtful quarrels.
Remember that you are not perfect either; your habits may irritate your spouse just as theirs irritate you. If you expect your mate to correct small annoyances, be prepared to correct your own. If the matter causes no real harm, let it go. If it is worth mentioning, do so in an affectionate way, as kindness invites cooperation more readily than criticism.
2. If You Have a Grievance, Get It Out of Your System
Continually suppressing deep anger creates a reservoir of resentment that can erupt violently. Address grievances promptly and pleasantly. Avoid the habit of pouting, which fosters silent resentment rather than resolution. If the matter is trivial, overlook it; if it continues to bother you, bring it into the open.
3. Always Guard Your Tongue
Father John A. O’Brien, in Happy Marriage, recommends couples promise never to speak angry words to each other, regardless of the provocation. All differences can be resolved if approached with mutual understanding and goodwill, while angry words often leave scars long after the subject of disagreement is forgotten. Guarding your speech requires discipline, but it prevents much harm.
4. Keep Discussions Within Bounds
Arguments become destructive when they stray from the original issue into unrelated grievances. Stick to the subject at hand and avoid dragging in past wrongs or the faults of relatives and friends. If you are wrong, admit it; if you are right, explain calmly. This keeps disagreements small and manageable.
5. Criticize the Act, Not the Person
Address the action rather than attacking your spouse’s character. Precede necessary criticism with sincere appreciation for the other’s good qualities. This keeps egos from being wounded and makes correction easier to accept.
6. Keep Disagreements Between Yourselves
Never involve in-laws, friends, or neighbors in your quarrels. Doing so undermines trust and intimacy, and often makes matters worse. Protect the privacy of your marital communication.
7. Give In on Little Things
Recognize when an issue matters more to your spouse than to you and yield graciously. Avoid thinking of marriage as a strict “fifty-fifty proposition.” Marriage is not a score-keeping game but a partnership in which both give as needed.
8. Develop an Outlet
When frustrated, engage in physical activity—take a walk, do household chores, or work on a hobby. Physical exertion often eases tension and gives fresh perspective. If a discussion reaches an impasse, set it aside and return to it later with calmer minds.
9. Never Let Bitterness Carry Over the Night
Even if you cannot agree, part with goodwill before sleeping. A simple goodnight kiss fosters peace and prevents resentment from festering overnight.
It is not always easy to keep rancor out of disagreements. Harmful habits such as name-calling, sarcasm, and ridicule may need to be unlearned. Progress may be slow, but it is worthwhile.
By consistently practicing these principles, couples can resolve differences with affection and mutual respect, deepening their love over time. If conflicts persist and threaten the stability of the home, consulting a trained marriage counselor can be a wise and necessary step.
The mother is the real homemaker. It is in her hands, that the tender life is laid for its first impressions. In all its education and culture, she has the main part. Her spirit makes the home atmosphere. The law of God makes the father the head of the household, and devolves upon him as such—the responsibility for the up building of his house, the training of his children, the care of all the sacred interests of his family. -J.R. Miller
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Here is a marriage blueprint that every woman can follow. Happy marriages do not just happen, they are made. It takes three parties to make a good marriage; the husband, the wife, and the Lord. This book is concerned with helping the woman to become the wife desired and therefore loved that every man worth having wishes to find and keep. This book sold over a quarter of a million copies shortly after its publication in 1951, and it was read by Catholics and non-Catholics alike. It is a practical manual. It should be read by every woman considering entering the matrimonial state and also by those women who are already married. It can also be read by men who may wish to see what a real challenge it is for a woman to live up to their expectations and how grateful they should be if they are blessed to find the woman of their desires…
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Thank you… Sometimes it’s difficult to remember all these at a given time…. 😬 We are working on it. 😁