This is a small example of the type of thing that happens all through married life. We say things we don’t mean, he says things that he doesn’t mean. Or it is interpreted the wrong way and then blown out of proportion. Although it is good to talk about something that rankles, at the same time, we must not be petulant and easily hurt. We have to, like the article says, “give the benefit of the doubt” and believe in the love that both of us have, not letting every wind that blows affect us….
From By Love Refined, Alice Von Hildebrand
Dear Julie,
You’ve shown me that dreadful, out-of-focus yearbook picture of you, so I can understand Michael’s response: “I wouldn’t have married that girl!” But I also sympathize with your pain on hearing him say it.
Because of your closeness to Michael, everything he says or does affects you very deeply. When he dropped this remark casually, you heard a nasty interior voice saying, “If he can say that, does he really love me?”
Suddenly, all of his many testimonies of love were blotted out of your consciousness. You got stuck on these few words which, to your mind, cast doubt on Michael’s claims to love you.
In a way, I’m very happy this happened toward the beginning of your marriage: it gives you the chance to discover how very dangerous it is to take words out of context – divorced from the beautiful story of your mutual love – and to nail your dear husband to his words by insisting: “I don’t care how you try to explain it away. You did say you wouldn’t have married me.”
Michael’s comment may have meant something very different. His words could also be interpreted to mean, “This yearbook picture is so bad, it has nothing to do with you. I married you, not the caricature you’re showing me in this picture.”
(Don’t you like to be told about a bad photograph that it “doesn’t look like you at all”? It really would be humiliating if someone looked at an ugly picture and said, “It’s so typically you; please lend me the negative so I can order a copy.”)
Since Michael could have been paying you a compliment, you shouldn’t insist on the negative interpretation of his comment that he “wouldn’t have married you.”
All of us say things in jest or things that are meant to be kind but don’t come off properly. We can miss the bull’s-eye even with the best intentions. When Michael does this, it’s crucial to read his remarks against the total background of your relationship and not to nail him to the literal meaning of his words, holding him responsible for their worst possible meaning.
St. Paul’s point that “love believeth all things” means that when such ambiguous comments are made, we must believe that what was meant was loving; that is, to use my husband’s terminology, we should give our spouse “the credit of love.” Love always assumes the best of the beloved, always gives the benefit of the doubt to the beloved.
So try to interpret Michael’s statement in a more positive light, and even use it to bring the two of you closer together. In a good moment after you’ve regained your peace, you can tell him, “You know, I was hurt the other day because I interpreted your comment as a sign of lack of love, but I see that that interpretation was unjustified. I know you love me and I’m glad you love me the way I am now.”
This explanation will certainly enchant him. What a joy it is to clear up misunderstandings when you’re in love, and to transform a defeat into victory. You’ll find that these are the true, lasting victories. To you both, I send my sincerest affection,
Lily
Foster Joy and Optimism….Insist upon joy and optimism as opposed to the sadness and discouragement which sometimes seem so natural. Do this by briefly changing your occupation and busying yourself with thoughts, readings and conversations which make the mind happy and elevate it. -Fr. Irala, Achieving Peace of Heart
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I’ve learned the best course of action in such cases, at least in my marriage, is to ask for clarification from my husband, rather than try to interpret what he meant or assume his motives — either negative or positive. For example, there was a season in our early marriage where I kept putting a “positive spin” on his hurtful words, telling myself that he really didn’t mean to say what he did. I even defended him to others. But it turned out that I was ignoring genuine problems in our marriage by looking at things through rose-colored glasses.
It took me far too many years to finally start responding, “I’m not sure how to interpret that. What did you mean?”
Thank you for sharing that!
Or one starts taking compliments and down grades on the same level, with a grain of salt. One day, you are the best wife in the whole world, the next day you are very irritating. So one doesn’t get a lot of joy out of the compliment anymore, because it lasts so short.
Thank you.