I Take Thee ~ My Russian Yesterdays, Catherine de Hueck Doherty

I was surprised at how similar our courting process is to the description of Catherine’s yesterdays. This is a lovely article, worthy of consideration….

By Catherine de Hueck, My Russian Yesterdays, Madonna House Publications, used with permission

Catherine was brought up in Russia and had many fond memories of her life there….a life that reflected simplicity, family, religion. After fleeing Russia during the Communist Revolution, she eventually came into the Catholic Church. Catherine prayed much that her motherland would be freed from Communist rule so that people could once again openly practice their faith.

I Take Thee

The affairs of the heart, as a Frenchman would say, were conducted in Russia much after the pattern of all Western Europe—with a little tinge of the East added. Ah yes, the East! It must never be forgotten that for four hundred years, Russia had been engaged in wars and skirmishes with her conquerors, the Tartars.

Incidentally, she receives very little credit for this from the Western historians. They constantly seem to overlook the fact that, through those wars, Russia kept the invasion of the Mongols within her own borders, thus saving the West from their devastating influence.

However, those four hundred years left their mark on the whole of Russian civilization and character. She absorbed some of the mores and customs of the Tartars, and, in a manner of speaking, Christianized them.

But the legend is that Russia, and Russians, are mysterious, with the strange mystery of the East and a stranger mixture of East and West. Even to this day this baffles the Western observer, though he shrugs it off with the saying, “Scratch a Russian and you’ll find a Tartar.”

Like all other European nations, Russia guarded her daughters in the matter of social relations by means of duennas or chaperons. There was also a rather rigid code of behavior which, unless strictly observed, brought ostracism to the culprit.

Moreover, as they were deeply religious the people venerated purity, innocence, virginity. Men looking for a wife demanded these virtues. Being realists, they understood that “platonic relations” between the sexes were the figments of creative writers only.

Furthermore, being firm believers in the Mystery of Iniquity, and of the Devil, and having a watchful attitude for the occasions of sin, Russian parents felt it their duty to guard and help their daughters. Human nature, corrupted by original sin, they believed, had to be safeguarded by the elders, especially in the days of its youth.

Thus it was that in the heart of Russia, its little hamlets, villages, and small towns, girls never ventured out alone into country roads or lanes. girls’ trysting place was either the home of the girls’ parents or the village green, where parties and dances were held during suitable seasons, and where, on Sunday afternoons, it was permissible to walk in pairs or to have a picnic under the shady trees.

The village green usually stood in front of the church, and could be seen from almost every house around; those houses in their neat, straight rows.

Should a maid disregard the age-old custom, she would probably die a spinster – for though male youth eagerly would walk the forbidden lanes with her, the mere fact that she had acquiesced placed her in the strange category of “girls one might walk with but never propose to.”

In big cities and towns, and in the upper strata of society, the code was just as rigid, and enforced through the chaperonage of young girls either by an elderly female relative, her parents, or a hired chaperon-governess.

But love has her way always.

Neither lock nor key, chaperons nor duennas have yet succeeded to thwart her. Thus, surrounded by obstacles unknown to the freer and easier ways of the North American continent, Russian youth plunged into courtship that was both more adventuresome and more fun. At least, I think so.

Eventually, to each came that special day when he asked, and she answered with that tremulous Yes!

It may have been accomplished to the bars of a waltz, danced under the vigilant eyes of their elders, or during the split second when a square dance brought her into his arms. Who can tell? The question was asked – the answer given.

But “much can happen between the time a cup is lifted, and the time it reaches the lips,” says an old Russian proverb. And often much did.

For, it was not quite enough for her to say Yes. Her father and mother had to do likewise. That meant he had to ask them for her hand. However, nine times out of ten, he heard the joyful verdict from the lips of her parents, which meant the realization of his great dream. Of course, while he was “asking” she would not be very far away. Probably she was hiding behind a half-opened door or a curtain.

Thus when her mother came to call her, she did not have far to go, for she would appear instantly, flushed and eager with shining eyes and a happy, shy smile. Mother understood and smiled, too, tolerantly.

Hadn’t she gone through the same thing years ago?

For a moment they were left alone while parents went to fetch the family ikon of the Blessed Mother from their bedroom. This was to be one of the few occasions when the ikon would be taken down.

Back into the living room the parents would come. The happy couple would kneel at their feet. The father, lifting the ikon high, would bless them, making the sign of the cross with it. The mother would repeat the sign and the formula.

A toast would then be drunk to the young people’s happiness, and the engagement became semiofficial. The same ceremonies would be repeated a few days later at the house of the boy’s parents.

However, the engagement would become fully official only after it received the blessing of the Church. For Russians firmly believed that when a man and woman pledged themselves to enter the great and holy Sacrament of Matrimony, that the in-between time, the time between the engagement and the wedding, must be given to God through a solemn ceremony originated by His holy Spouse, the Church.

The beautiful rite of betrothal can be found in that translation of the Ritual by Father Weller, mentioned at the beginning of this chapter. It is truly worth studying, reviving, and, above all, putting into practice on this continent of ours where engagements are entered into so easily and carelessly, and are broken so readily. It is this attitude, I think, that is responsible, to a great extent, for our irreverence toward the Sacrament of Marriage.

In Russia, the betrothal ceremony took place before an altar. The engagement and wedding rings were blessed, and both were placed on the third finger of the girl’s left hand. After marriage the wedding ring would be worn on the right hand. Mass and Communion followed.

Thus was a solemn promise taken before God. It could not be lightly given, nor disregarded. Human hearts and souls are not play-things of lower passions or passing moments. The ceremony was also legally binding. True it did not bind parties to marry under pain of mortal sin. But, nevertheless it was valid both before ecclesiastical and civil courts, especially in matters of inheritance.

Perhaps because of this serious and sacramental approach to engagement, it took me literally years to understand the ways of maid-and-man in the U.S.A. and Canada.

For here was the utter reversal of everything I knew. It seemed that over here the girl who could boast of the most broken engagements was the most popular with the opposite sex and the envy of her own! Promises were but the breath of scented night air-and love, if love it was, seemed but a swift passing shadow, illusory in the moonlight, gone with the rising sun.

But, then again, I may have misunderstood. Maybe … I was … and am … old fashioned.

Being engaged was fun. It always is-everywhere. In Russia, you, of course, saw quite a bit of him, yet still you were never quite by “yourself.” Oh, you could, once in a while, go together to a show, a restaurant, a tearoom, or even to a dance with a crowd of friends. But you had to be circumspect and not stray from the allowed and beaten paths. Once in a while the family would leave you alone, for a few minutes, in the living room. But such moments were few and far between.

Engagements were short. It was felt that it was best to have them that way. For, again, one must guard against occasions of sin. Always. And long engagements surely led to such. Furthermore, what was the sense of a lengthy engagement anyway?

Of course, it may be argued, a young couple in love should wait to marry until such time as the husband-to-be is somewhat “established,” with enough money to support a young wife and a growing family. In the West, alas, this also means that a certain “standard of living” must be maintained if the young couple really wants to “amount to something,” be “successful” in the worldly sense of the word.

Somehow, that did not seem to matter too much in the old days in Russia. True, the ways of life were more stable. People “stayed put” longer. The land, farming it, living on it, was the accepted way of life of the majority. All of this contributed to ease the ways of the young folks.

As likely as not, they would get a plot of land. They could build out of logs, there being an infinite acreage of virgin forests. The girl’s folks would provide the dowry, such as it was, in household goods, chickens, a cow, maybe, or two. And, before you knew it, the young folks were

 farming on their own, with the rather primitive machinery and the old ways of their forefathers. City folk followed the same pattern-the girl bringing to her marriage the bedding, napery, clothing, and often cash, and the groom providing the house furnishings and the apartment or the house or the room, as the case might be.

It was believed that youth should make their future together, accepting together the lean and the fat times, that in so doing they would be welded into one, both in flesh and spirit, more completely than if all had been already provided before marriage.

By and large, the Russians did not care too much for worldly goods, savings, money, and the like. They were more interested in being than in having. Their whole spirituality bespeaks this trait, which was also reflected in their marriage and the preparation for it.

Hope chests were started with the birth of a girl. As she grew, she contributed much to it by work of her hands. Home-woven and embroidered linens and other things of lasting beauty were carefully put away into beautifully carved hope chests. Yes, these hope chests really existed. Woolens were specially treated against moths and kept ready for use and for changing fashions. This, too, made it easier to start housekeeping.

Thus the great day of the wedding would dawn quickly for the engaged couple. And it was always a great day. Church weddings were a must, and all over the land. Gorgeous in their wonderful ceremonies and trappings, they remained indeed memorable for the couple and for their relatives and friends.

Mass and Communion usually followed the marriage ceremony. Parental and Church blessings came thick and fast throughout that hallowed day. The parents of the bride would hurry out of the church as soon as the ceremonies were over and rush home, so as to greet the newlywed pair at the door.

The father would have a loaf of bread, held on a richly decorated wooden plate, over which was laid an intricately embroidered linen scarf. The mother would present the salt in a beautiful handmade dish.

The bread was to remind the young people of the natural life that bread sustained, and the supernatural life, of which it was so glorious a symbol. The salt was to remind them that they belonged to the Mystical Body of Christ, and hence they were the salt of the earth-the salt that must not lose its flavor.

Having presented the bread and salt; the parents, both sets if present, again blessed the couple with the family ikons, one of which was now presented to them for their keeping.

Later the bridal chamber was to be blessed by the priest. “Bless, O Lord,” he would say, “this bridal chamber, that they who share it establish themselves in Thy peace and conform themselves to Thy will.

And as their years increase, may they be enriched with the fullness of life, and finally come into Thy heavenly Kingdom. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.”

There would follow the time of gaiety and rejoicing. Dancing, eating, and merrymaking would go on for three days and nights. It was usual for the bridal couple to participate, retiring to their blessed bridal chambers overnight, to rejoice with their friends on the morrow.

Of course, the wealthy and upper class had adopted the Western-style honeymoon. But the custom was not too widespread. For the attitude to marriage, sex, and the like, was so interwoven with God and the Church that it carried easily its true aura of beauty and vocation to all who took part in its celebration.

Begun with Christ, and in Him consummated! That was Russian marriage. Is it to be wondered at that there was little confusion, in the minds of the Russians, as to the ends of marriage?

Reverently they looked on virginity, purity, and innocence in the young unmarried women. Reverently, too, they treated pregnant women. For motherhood was one of the main ends of marriage. It was the fruitfulness of love and the visible sign of God’s choicest blessing on the union between man and woman.

Recently a visiting Eastern prince was asked his impression of American women. Politely he declared they were both charming and beautiful. But, he wondered, why were so few of them pregnant? The remark was thought to be funny. But was it?

It seems strange to me that, on this side of the Atlantic, the blessed months of carrying a child should be camouflaged by skillfully designed clothes. As if there were something shameful in the prenatal carrying of a child.

“My dear, I would never have guessed! You do not show it at all.” That seems to be the greatest compliment a pregnant woman can receive from her friends! Why? Is motherhood so hideous that it must not be seen? Is “pregnancy” a word never to be used in genteel company?

Or is the body of a woman with child-the visible sign of an invisible grace-so ugly it must be concealed?

In my Russia and in most other parts of the world women were proud to show their motherhood- to-be to the whole world. That “world” loved and respected it greatly. And it showed this feeling in a thousand ways.

The visit or the passing-by of a woman with a child was always considered a blessing by my friends. Perhaps they remembered the visitation of our Blessed Mother to her cousin Elizabeth.

Large families were the rule and not the exception. Artificial birth control was almost unknown. And if it was practiced in secret, those who practiced it definitely understood it to be a grave sin. There was, at least, no hypocrisy.

Perhaps, because of the “Eastern tinge,” the heritage of Russians from their four hundred years of Mongol invasion, the woman was satisfied to be the queen of her home and the mother of many children. She had little or no ambition to shine in the political or the business world.

Neither did she crave an existence full of excitement and change. Home was a real word to her. It meant so many inexpressible things. Safety. Peace. Happiness. The tranquility of God’s order.

Anyhow, that is how I remember my home.

It would do much in the home if all the members of the family were to be as kind and courteous to one another as they are to guests. The visitor receives bright smiles, pleasant words, constant attention, and the fruits of efforts to please. But the home folks are often cross, rude, selfish, and faultfinding toward one another. Are not our own as worthy of our love and care as is the stranger temporarily within our gates? -Fr. Lasance, My Prayer Book

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