The Single State by Rev. George Kelly, Catholic Family Handbook
The following letter, from a young woman of twenty-six, appeared in an “Advice to the Love-lorn” column.
“For some reason, I’ve never had many boyfriends,” it read. “As a result, I’ve always been afraid of going through life as a spinster.
“About five months ago, I met a man who seemed to be my ideal in every way. He told me he loved me and asked me to marry him. Of course, I accepted.
“He said he needed two thousand dollars to set himself up in business. Since we would soon be married, I lent it to him. Soon afterwards, he disappeared. I thought something terrible had happened, and I hired a private detective to find out where he was.
“The detective found him in another town and learned that he had a prison record. Apparently he got money from other women the same way as he did from me.
“Everybody tells me that I should get the police to arrest him. But I still love him. How can I get him back? I am afraid that if I don’t marry him, I’ll be an old maid all my life.”
This letter revealed a real tragedy—not the loss of two thousand dollars, but the fact that its writer obviously was willing to do anything to attach herself to a man as thoroughly bad as this one. At the root of her tragedy was her belief that it would almost be a fate worse than death to go through life unmarried.
Many people share that belief . . . and ruin their lives thereby.
You may have heard about the man who decided that marriage was the only way for a layman to live. There were few eligible maidens in his village, and he finally married a shrewish woman whose lips kept moving from the moment she awoke until she fell asleep at night. She nagged the man for forty years.
Finally he died. As he appeared before St. Peter, he happened to mention his wife’s name. “I know her well,” the guardian of heaven’s gates replied. “And there’s no doubt about it—you’ve served your purgatory on earth. Pass in, brother!”
Looking at present-day divorce records, I think it’s obvious that many people marry when they shouldn’t. The result? Lifetimes of misery for themselves, for the men and women they marry, for their children.
Millions of divorcees would agree wholeheartedly that a bad marriage is far worse than remaining unmarried could possibly be.
As I pointed out above, marriage and the religious life are by no means the only vocations to which God calls all men and women. Perhaps for special reasons, He, in His wisdom, has seen fit to call you to the single life.
Such a calling is nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, it’s even desirable if in that way you can gain your eternal salvation. Our Lord Himself said that persons who can live in the single life without sinning should be invited to do so.
Through the twenty centuries of the Church’s history, many thousands of holy men and women have remained single and served mankind by doing acts of charity and mercy for others. So it’s a mistake to think that those who don’t marry are living in some inferior way.
Many men and women have special characteristics which may require them to stay single. Some may lack the health or temperament for the religious life. Others may feel that they should stay home to support aged parents. Some may not have a chance to marry, or have a chance but let it pass by and never get another.
All of these people can lead happy, holy lives. They needn’t be “unwanted” bachelors or spinsters. They can regard it as God’s will that they remain unmarried in order to serve Him better.
Wrong beliefs about the single state are held widely. One is that it’s wrong because “if everyone remains single, the human race would die out.” That’s a big error because God made the desire for parenthood so strong in mankind that there’s no likelihood that vast numbers of men and women would renounce marriage. The few who do so won’t seriously affect the birth rate.
Another mistaken idea is that sexual intercourse is “necessary” for men and women. This is wrong because man was not created for the purpose of enjoying sex. And, of course, sexual pleasure of itself does not help a person save his soul, nor does it insure a well-rounded personality.
What does bring happiness in heaven as well as on earth is doing the job assigned to you in good conscience and using properly the talents God gave you. Single persons do these things just as well as the married.
In fact, when they give up all thoughts of sex and practice perfect chastity, they can serve God with an even greater love than can married persons.
As Reverend Dominic J. Unger, O.F.M. Cap., stated beautifully in his volume, The Mystery of Love for the Single, “They are, then, not bachelors and spinsters because they loved so little; they are virginal spouses of Christ because they loved so much, so ardently, that no creature can fully satisfy their longing for loving and being loved. They are, in short, on fire with love for God.”
Single persons deserve the greatest admiration if they remain unmarried because of pure unselfishness.
One attractive woman has had a chance to marry half a dozen good men. She has freely and deliberately turned down all proposals because she wants to care for a mother who is bedridden.
Another man remains single because as an unmarried person he can, so he believes, more profitably spend his time helping boys who’ve been in trouble with the police. Every moment he can spare, he’s at a playground or gymnasium, helping them work up healthy interests.
Other single men and women live in communities and perform work of Christian mercy and charity. They don’t take vows as do members of religious orders, but they dedicate their lives to God just the same.
Many of our parishes, missions, and charities function effectively only because of dedicated Vincentians, sodalists, legionnaires—all unmarried.
Single persons have more opportunities to do good work than married people, because they’re not tied down by a family. They can give all their time and talents to charity, like improving conditions of the people around them. B-cause they have no dependents, they can take unpleasant or poor-paying jobs where they nevertheless can serve mankind. They often can go to places where a religious might be unwelcome.
For example, one Catholic college graduate has become a “big brother” to many juveniles in the New York slums. He has reached youngsters who resisted the efforts of priests to reform them, and has brought them back to the Church.
Some of our most important social and political leaders, even a President, were single. Many single men and women have dedicated themselves to teaching. Many are serving in parochial schools. Others work as secretaries and filing clerks for charitable organizations. Many unmarried nurses devote their lives to helping the poor and sick.
They’re not only rewarded on earth by their satisfaction in doing good deeds for others; but through their practice of charity and chastity, they’re building up eternal treasures in heaven.
“We often live with this illusion. With the impression that all would go better, we would like the things around us to change, that the circumstances would change. But this is often an error. It is not the exterior circumstances that must change; it is above all our hearts that must change.” –Fr. Jacques Philippe, Searching For and Maintaining Peace
We must realize that building back to traditional values starts, first, in ourselves and in our homes. Which, in turn, will affect our communities and society in general. And our dress is a powerful means to do just that! It IS like a billboard saying, “There is still something beautiful, noble and good in this world, and it is worth living for.”
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Penal rosaries and crucifixes have a wonderful story behind them. They were used during the times when religious objects were forbidden and it was illegal to be Catholic. Being caught with a rosary could mean imprisonment or worse. A penal rosary is a single decade with the crucifix on one end and, oftentimes, a ring on the other. When praying the penal rosary you would start with the ring on your thumb and the beads and crucifix of the rosary in your sleeve, as you moved on to the next decade you moved the ring to your next finger and so on and so forth. This allowed people to pray the rosary without the fear of being detected. Available here.
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The last quote sums it beautifully… Do not wish to be anything more than what you are, and be that perfectly….
That sweet lady friend of yours that died, reminds me of this reading today, as well as an unmarried teacher I knew as a child. She was sooooo kind to us! If you could remember Elaine, in your prayers, because she may not have very many who remember her with prayers. 🙏
I will remember Elaine in my rosary today. 🙏🏻
This is a really hard article to read, and one that I’m rather confused about. Is singlehood a vocation, or a calling from God? And how on earth does one discern if you are meant to be single or married? I would greatly appreciate some more resources in this area. J.MJ.