Looking to Marry? ~ Great Need of Prudence & What Intimacies to Form

From Guide for Catholic Young Women by Rev. George Deshon, 1863

This article may be from a different era but its principles still stand…

Great Need of Prudence

On our stormy and dangerous coast, there are many safe harbors where the mariner feels secure against the violence of every storm. But as he approaches these harbors, he is wide awake, paying the closest attention to every movement of his vessel—and with good reason. Here is a shoal on one side; there, a ledge of rocks; here, the channel takes a sharp turn. At no other time in his voyage is there so much danger of shipwreck as now. He must not relax his vigilance for an instant until he drops anchor in the very spot where he will remain.

So it is when one is about to anchor for life in the state of matrimony. The entire approach to this state is filled with great danger and requires untiring vigilance to pass through safely—without wrecking happiness in this world and the next.

This danger is greater, it seems to me, in this country and in our time than in almost any other. Why? Because in other countries the social interaction between young people is more restrained and guarded than it can be here. It is often settled by custom that they shall not visit so often or be so much together as is the case here.

Parents or friends there have far more to say and arrange, while here much more depends on the parties themselves. Many a girl has no father or mother to guide and advise her. She must manage everything herself as best she can. For all these reasons, far more discretion and prudence is required of a young woman in this country than in many others.

There is a peculiar modesty and shyness that springs up in the heart when one changes from the state of childhood to that of womanhood. No doubt God has given this as a safeguard at the most dangerous period of life. When one could, as a light-hearted and innocent girl, speak and act with freedom, she must now, as a young woman, keep an eye upon her actions, that nothing may go beyond the bounds of propriety and be a snare to herself or to others.

Many women of this age, moving about in the world, are forming acquaintances and intimacies—more or less close—upon which their entire future depends.

Let us lay down, then, a few rules of prudence for how a young woman should conduct herself in that dangerous period of life, which extends from the time she reaches maturity until she is married. Let us see what intimacies it would be prudent for her to form, and how she should behave during the period of courtship.

What Intimacies to Form

Be careful what acquaintances you make. There are many young men of pleasing appearance who are, in heart, far from what they seem. Keep your guard up. Do not allow your feelings to become too deeply involved before you have had time to judge whether an intimacy should be allowed.

If you discover a heart filled with bad and impious principles—one that is a proud scoffer at religion, or seems destitute of religious principles (that is, an infidel)—avoid such a one, whether he calls himself Catholic or not.

There are many such—real infidels at heart—who conceal their true sentiments when they wish to marry a Catholic girl, knowing she would be shocked by an open avowal. Once the marriage is over, they hide it no longer. They ridicule religion, undermine the faith of their wives, and, if they have children, endanger the salvation of their souls.

The young women who marry such men—and who pay for it with the bitterest tears, perhaps for a lifetime—could have avoided it by exercising the slightest prudence, by praying to God, and by refusing to be blinded by foolish passion. Their manners and conversation would have revealed enough to put them on guard, and they would have sooner cut off their right hand than unite their fate for life and death with such a man.

St. Paul says:

“Bear not the yoke together with unbelievers. For what participation hath justice with injustice? Or what fellowship hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belal?”

Again—if you discover a want of moral principle, if the person is enslaved by any grievous sin, be on your guard. Do not think of taking such a person as your partner for life. If the young man drinks freely and becomes intoxicated—if there is any real danger he may turn out a drunkard—for God’s sake, and for the sake of your soul, form no intimacy with him.

What are you marrying for? A quiet, peaceful home, and the opportunity to further your salvation. The drunkard’s home, as you know, is a picture of hell on earth—filled with strife, disorder, burning passions, and hatred. Is that the place to learn the way of salvation?

I speak of drunkenness because it is the bitter root from which all kinds of vice and misery grow. There is no need to give many examples—you need only look around your neighborhood.

That bloated, coarse-looking woman who has not combed her hair for a week, surrounded by ragged children fighting and cursing—she was, a few years ago, a pretty and modest girl. She lived in a quiet, pleasant home, earning an honest living and attending to her duties with peace in her soul. Now she has not been to Mass for nearly a year, saying, “My husband won’t let me.” Her life has become a burden, and she wishes she were dead.

It was her own fault. She knew enough about him when he was courting her to put her on her guard. She smelled liquor on his breath, saw signs of intoxication, and was warned by friends: “Don’t you know that young man is a drunkard? You will rue the day you marry him.” But she closed her eyes, became obstinate, forgot God, and chose to marry him at any cost—even the loss of her soul.

Ah, poor woman! It may well come to that, for her life is sinful, and there is little hope of change.

Such examples should speak loudly to warn you against marrying a drunkard. Likewise, if you discover any other confirmed vice—dishonesty, impurity, or anything gravely sinful—do not let the acquaintance grow into intimacy. Do not entangle yourself. Do not, for a moment, consider marriage with such a man.

“Nobody needs a smile so much as the one who has none to give … you will spread sunshine in a sometimes dreary world.” ~ Fr. Lawrence G. Lovasik

After passing through the fears of childhood, experience teaches us that many fears are groundless. And we protect ourselves against unreasonable fears. Yet oftentimes the environment and our imagination lead us to see dangers where there are really none. Or they may magnify our fears a hundredfold….

Penal Rosaries! 

Penal rosaries and crucifixes have a wonderful story behind them. They were used during the times when religious objects were forbidden and it was illegal to be Catholic. Being caught with a rosary could mean imprisonment or worse. A penal rosary is a single decade with the crucifix on one end and, oftentimes, a ring on the other. When praying the penal rosary you would start with the ring on your thumb and the beads and crucifix of the rosary in your sleeve, as you moved on to the next decade you moved the ring to your next finger and so on and so forth. This allowed people to pray the rosary without the fear of being detected. Available here.

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