Alice von Hildebrand, By Love Refined
Dear Julie:
You and Michael certainly have been leading a busy social life! I’m glad to see how often you do things together, but be careful not to let that eclipse the deeper dimension of your marriage. Movies and dinners with friends are enjoyable, but only you two together can develop an I-Thou relationship in which you have each other as the exclusive theme of interest.
In this special relationship between you and Michael, no third person or object detains your attention: you look at each other, into each other’s eyes, into each other’s souls, and dwell exclusively in each other’s presence.
This deep soul-to-soul relation should be at the heart of your marriage and must continually be deepened and enriched if your love is to grow. I know of many marriages that have grown cold or even failed because involvement with other people or with children has become so predominant that the I-Thou dimension has receded completely into the background. The spouses have turned their attention completely away from each other into other activities.
Be careful that this doesn’t become a problem for you and Michael. Newlyweds, especially, often engage in such an exhilarating whirlwind of parties and other activities (not to mention jobs) that every night they fall asleep exhausted, but not really closer to each other as persons.
As time goes by, your lives will get even busier (especially when you have children) and there will be more obstacles to the leisurely, sweet intimacy that you now enjoy (and which should be preserved at all costs).
So now is the time to develop a deep I-Thou relationship between you and Michael, a relationship you’ll have to nurture as long as you live. Your time for each other will gradually grow less, but don’t let your lack of time become an excuse for avoiding intimate talks between you.
Above all, never let your I-Thou encounters become limited to the sexual sphere, which ought always to be a manifestation of your spiritual union rather than the only common meeting you ever have. Success in marriage isn’t so much a question of time as of loving longing.
Mother Teresa of Calcutta is certainly one of the busiest people on earth, yet she spends hours absorbed in prayer and loving contemplation of our Savior. It is here alone that she finds the spiritual and physical strength to face her crushing duties.
Similarly, throughout your marriage, you should try to reserve moments for you and Michael in which you forget everything else, talk to each other, concentrate exclusively on each other, and revivify your love.
In these moments, let Michael and your love for him be your great, all-absorbing theme. These intimate moments will increase your mutual devotion and bring you both deep happiness. I keep you constantly in my prayers.
Love, Lily
You are the first to teach your children that lying , stealing, disobedience, anger and revenge are wrong…. ~The Catholic Family Handbook, Fr. Lawrence G. Lovasik
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Finding time together to talk about important things, without the children around, is really difficult for my husband and me. Especially when we can’t disagree about something in front of the children, then we put off talking about it until later by which point we’re exhausted or forgotten about it. Finding babysitting for regular dates is tricky…our relatives aren’t overly eager or available. Does anyone have tips for parents of many kids to schedule regular uninterrupted time together?
Thank you, this is a very good reminder, it has been more than busy lately! 😕